Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 1

00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

Airport Blind Date

Ray Murphy.....Molly Shannon
Rick Jennings.....Will Ferrell
Bartender.....Chris Kattan

[ open on an airport bar, with Rick Jennings sitting to the right. Ray Murphy appears, and Ray looks to the left as she arrives. ]

Ray Murphy: Hi! Are you Rick Jennings?

Rick Jennings: Yes, hi!

Ray Murphy: Hi...

Rick Jennings: Ray?

Ray Murphy: Ray.

Rick Jennings: Ray...

Ray Murphy: Murphy?

Rick Jennings: Yeah, Ray Murphy.

Ray Murphy: Nice to meet you...

Rick Jennings: Nice to meet you too... yeah...

Ray Murphy: Good...

Rick Jennings: Yeah...

Ray Murphy: So nice to meet you...

Rick Jennings: So nice to meet you!

Ray Murphy: Well...

Rick Jennings: You look great!

Ray Murphy: Thank you... so do you!

Rick Jennings: Sorry the stool is so high...

Ray Murphy: [ laughs ] That's OK!

Rick Jennings: So, yeah...

Ray Murphy: Yeah...

[ they repeat this uncertainty routine for a few seconds ]

Rick Jennings: So...

Ray Murphy: It's so nice to finally put a face with the voice I've talked to on the phone for so long.

Rick Jennings: [ in agreement ] Oh yeah, right, right!

Ray Murphy: So...

Rick Jennings: Do you, uh.. do you go on blind dates much?

Ray Murphy: You know, I really don't, they sorta scare me. I'm a pretty shy person...

Rick Jennings: That's understandable.

Ray Murphy: ...and the whole thing just sorta makes me feel a little bit embarrassed or vulnerable, like that.

Rick Jennings: That's fine, well... thank you for showing up!

Ray Murphy: Well, thank you for thanking me!

[ They both laugh ]

Ray Murphy: So...

Rick Jennings: Yeah... Would you likea drink?

Ray Murphy: Sure! I'm gonna have... a whiskey sour.

Rick Jennings: OK! I think I'll have one, too!

Ray Murphy: Great!

Rick Jennings: [ to Bartender ] Excuse me. [ Bartender appears ] Um, can we have two whiskey sours?

Bartender: Two whiskey sours?

Rick Jennings: Yeah.

Bartender: OK. [ taps table, then leaves ]

Ray Murphy: So... can I ask you a question?

Rick Jennings: Yeah, sure.

Ray Murphy: Why did you pick an airport bar as a first date?

Rick Jennings: You know.. I thought you lived near the airport.

Ray Murphy: Really? That's strange. No, I live down by the Dunes.

Rick Jennings: Oh.. OK.

Ray Murphy: Yeah...

Rick Jennings: How is it, is it nice down there?

Ray Murphy: Yeah, it's great. My brother Mack and his wife have a place down there, so sometimes I stay with them.

Rick Jennings: Wait, so I'm confused. So, do you not have your own place, do you stay with your brother and his sister?

Ray Murphy: You know what, I don't really wanna talk about that right now; I just met you and I don't know you all that well, and maybe when I get to know you better I can tell you about my living situation, because, well... I really don't wanna talk about it right now. So...

Rick Jennings: That's fine.

Ray Murphy: Yeah.. sorta how I feel.

Rick Jennings: Fine.

Ray Murphy: So...

Rick Jennings: Yeah, we don't hafta talk about it.

Ray Murphy: Yeah... OK... [ Bartender appears ]

Bartender: Two whiskey sours. [ places the drinks in front of Ray and his date ]

Rick Jennings: Thank you.

Bartender: Are either of you two on the 8:00 American flight to Boston?

Together: No, no...

Bartender: Because it just got delayed two hours... [ to Ray ] So you're lucky. [ leaves ]

Rick Jennings: Yeah...

Ray Murphy: So, where do you live?

Rick Jennings: [ mimicking his date ] Um.. you know what? I'd really rather not talk about it right now... no, just kidding! I live just off of Dewberry Street--

Ray Murphy: [ peeved ] That's not funny.

Rick Jennings: I was.. I was just joking.

Ray Murphy: Yeah, well, that's not my kind of joking. [ awkward pause ] Maybe we could just change the subject.

Rick Jennings: OK, let's just change it.

Ray Murphy: I'm sorta hungry, do you wanna get something to eat, like some chicken fingers?

Rick Jennings: That sounds great! That sounds great! [ to Bartender ] Excuse me... [Bartender appears] can we order some chicken fingers?

Bartender: You know what, we're all out of chicken fingers.

Rick Jennings: OK... [ to Ray ] Do you like shrimp?

Ray Murphy: I LOVE shrimp, that sounds great!

Rick Jennings: OK... [ to Bartender ] Shrimp?

Bartender: Popcorn shrimp?

Rick Jennings: Yeah, that sounds great.

Bartender: OK. [ taps table once, then leaves ]

Ray Murphy: Um.. so what kind of work do you do?

Rick Jennings: I sell eyeglasses. I know it sounds weird.

Ray Murphy: It doesn't sound weird.

Rick Jennings: Oh good, yeah.

Ray Murphy: I think it's so cute when you see little babies or little children that wear little glasses.. it's SO cute!

Rick Jennings: Yes! Or babies that wear sunglasses!

Ray Murphy: Exactly!

Rick Jennings: Adorable, it really is.

Ray Murphy: Cute...

Rick Jennings: [ to himself ] What else, what else can I ask you... [ Bartender appears ]

Bartender: Here's your popcorn shrimp.

Ray Murphy and Ray Murphy: Mmmmmm...

Ray Murphy: That looks so good...

Rick Jennings: I absolutely love shrimp.

Ray Murphy: Is it your favorite food?

Rick Jennings: ...Yes. Does your brother Mack, does he like shrimp?

Ray Murphy: [ shocked ] You know what, I don't really wanna talk about that right now.

Rick Jennings: OK. I was just asking...

Ray Murphy: Well, don't ask.

Rick Jennings: Listen, I'm sorry, I just think it's weird that every time I ask you something about your brother, it's a sensitive subject.

Ray Murphy: [ upset ] Look... why are you so curious about him? I told you I don't wanna talk about him, and here we are going round and round talking about my brother. Why are you so curious about my brother Mack?

Rick Jennings: I just think it's odd that I can't ask you about your brother Mack or his wife or living down by the Dunes.

Ray Murphy: [ even more distraught ] Please stop talking about it! God! Really! [Bartender appears]

Bartender: How are we doing over here?

Rick Jennings: We're doing fine, yeah... we're doing great.

Bartender: ...OK. [ taps counter once, then leaves ]

Rick Jennings: You know, it's funny, I'm driving a rental car, and--

Ray Murphy: [ interrupting ] You know what, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna leave... I'm gonna leave, I have sort of a full plate... so I'm gonna grab my purse and...

Rick Jennings: Can I call you sometime?

Ray Murphy: Yeah... No.

Rick Jennings: Yeah, don't call.

Ray Murphy: I really don't think we're a match, I know that sounds rough but that's just sorta how I feel... so...

Rick Jennings: So, don't call you?

Ray Murphy: No, don't call. You want some money?

Rick Jennings: No, no, no, my treat.

Ray Murphy: Good... great...

Rick Jennings: Well, good luck.

Ray Murphy: Good luck to you!

[ they shake hands, then she leaves ]

[ Bartender appears ]

Ray Murphy: You know what, it turns out we did have those chicken fingers.

Rick Jennings: OK... that might be nice...

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Paul Buxton

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