Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1




00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

Monday Night Football

Al Michaels.....Darrell Hammond
Dan Fouts.....Will Ferrell
Dennis Miller.....Jimmy Fallon
Melissa Stark.....Maya Rudolph
Eric Dickerson.....Tracy Morgan

Al Michaels: This Teflon-coated roof will be vibrating tonight as the Tampa Bay Buccaneers battle the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football. Hello, everybody, I'm Al Michaels. The Buccaneers, who are tied for first place, are about to take on the undefeated Minnesota Vikings in what should be a thriller. Then tomorrow night on ABC, from a single girl to a mother of two in six dates flat, The Geena Davis Show. I'm joined now by Dan Fouts.

Dan Fouts: Hey, Al.

Al Michaels: Dan, it seems to me that the Buccaneers and the Vikings are serious Super Bowl favourites.

Dan Fouts: That's right, Al. Tampa Bay is an excellent, excellent football team. But the Vikings have a great football team too. Al, my prediction is that whoever puts the most points on the scoreboard will probably win tonight's football game.

Al Michaels: The expertise of a true NFL great. For an injury report, let's go to Melissa Stark.

Melissa Stark: Hi, Al. Tampa Bay running back Warrick Dunn is out for the third straight game after tearing the medialateral ligament in his left knee. Now, this is a guy who's averaged 4.6 yards a carry, Al. You know, Al, you may not take me seriously because I'm a woman wearing a lavender sweater set from Club Monaco, but I know one thing, Al. I know my football!

Dan Fouts: That girl's got something, she's got a real spark, and that's all right with me, Al.

Al Michaels: We're joined now by Dennis Miller. Dennis, Tampa Bay coach Tony Dungie, what do you think?

Dennis Miller: Well folks, tonight's pigskin competition will involve more offensive strategy than an Albert Spier designed German blitzkreig! On one side, you've got Dennis Green, a draft pick virtuoso, not to mention a guy who stole Eldridge Cleaver's afro! Ha ha! On the other side of the ball, we've got Bucko's skipper Tony Dungie, who created a pass rush just as volatile as Dennis Hopper after a three day crystal meth binge, babe! By any measure, wide receiver Randy Moss scores more often than Leo DiCaprio at an NSYNC concert at the Mall of America during a lunar eclipse! If Tampa Bay loses tonight, they'll be understudies in the Bogaraton dinner theatre production of Les Mis with Warren Sapp as Jean Valjean! Isn't that right, Albino!

Al Michaels: Warren Sapp, perhaps the most feared man in the NFC, and this Friday on ABC, it's Madigan Men!

Dennis Miller: Hey, Al, I saw the Madigan Men pilot. It's got fewer laughs than Molly Blum's internal monologue at the end of Jimmy Joyce's "Ulysses."

Dan Fouts: Ulysses, I love this guy, Al.

Dennis Miller: It's like attending Haley Joel Osment's birthday party at Benny Hara..

Dan Fouts: Dennis, you lost me on that one, buddy.

Al Michaels: You know, a lot has been made about the great running backs, who better to discuss it, here's Eric Dickerson.

Eric Dickerson: My man.. Who's proud about it. Dante Culpepper's proud about it. I met Dante at the bar. He passed for three touchdowns last week. I asked Dante about the Tampa Bay D. But Dante said he's not worried about that. I told him you gotta get your freak on, kid. He said, I'm a butler..

Al Michaels: Well, thoughtful commentary from the former Ram, and political drama this Wednesday on ABC's Gideon's Crossing. Dan, quarterback Shaun King, your take.

Dan Fouts: Al, Shaun King knows how to throw the football. Okay, and a quarterback is able to take that football up into the air into the hands of the reciever as he's running down the field, really that'll help this team score a touchdown, and that's what this game's all about.

Al Michaels: For an injury update, let's go back to Melissa Stark.

Melissa Stark: Hi Al. Viking tackle Tony Williams may not play due to a groin injury. I don't know firsthand what that feels like, Al, but you probably don't understand the pain of childbirth either, Al. You know, Al, I know it's awkward for you to be working with a woman, but I wish you'd say hi to me in the hallway sometimes. Hopefully in time, Al, you won't see me as a threat, but as a colleague, who knows her football.

Dan Fouts: I like this lady, Al, I really do.

Dennis Miller: Dan, it looks like you're sprouting a little wood there, babe. I haven't seen a package that tight since I got a COD from Teddy Kaczinski!

Al Michaels: We're just two minutes away from kickoff here at the Metrodome, and I think all of you Monday Night Football fans will agree, that this new crew that I'm working with makes me very lucky to have worked with Boomer Esaison. We'll be right back after this.

[ fade out ]


Submitted by: Jordan Davidson


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