Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1


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00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Leon Phelps.....Tim Meadows
Grand Master Rap.....Jerry Minor
Kid Shazaam......Horatio Sanz
.....Eminem

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. And when we get together..

Together: It's news.

Before Tuesday's presidential debate, a coin toss was used to determine which candidate would speak first. When Governor Bush was asked to call it in the air, he yelled: "It's a quarter!"

This Sunday, the Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia came to a close, with the United States winning 97 medals, the most of any country. So, suck on that, Portugal!

Actors Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey have each given $100,000 to the Screen Actors Guild to assist out-of-work actors. In a related story, actor Arsenio Hall would like to thank Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey.

After a week of violent protests in Yugoslavia, Slobodan Milosevic finally stepped down and conceded defeat in the presidential election. Milosevic said he plans to relax and spend time with his family before being strung up on a meathook in the center of Belgrade.

During Tuesday's debate, Al Gore made a point of correctly pronouncing Milosevic's name, and that of his opponent, Vojislav Kostunica and noting that Yugoslavia is made up of Serbia and Montenegro. Meanwhile, George W. Bush knew his own name and that a sandwich is made up of "bread plus some other stuff."

Tina Fey: Jimmy, what did you think of the debates?

Jimmy Fallon: Fantastic.

Tina Fey: What did you think was the "defining" moment?

Jimmy Fallon: Med.. Medicare..?

Tina Fey: Medicare?

Jimmy Fallon: Mmm-hmm..

Tina Fey: Did you.. did you watch the debates?

Jimmy Fallon: I watched "Dark Angel".

Tina Fey: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: I tried to watch the debates, it was so boring! They just stand there, you didn't tell me that.

Tina Fey: Jimmy, we talked about how we were both going to watch the debates!

Jimmy Fallon: You want to debate about "Dark Angel"?

97-year-old Senator Strom Thurmand - who was hospitalized last week after fainting in a restaurant - is reportedly back on his feet, and was even seen out and about with his new lady friend.
[ show doctored photo of Thurmond with Anna Nicole Smith ]

Tina Fey: If there's one thing that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on, it's that there's too much sex and violence coming out of Hollywood. Here to shed some light on this ongoing battle between Washington and Hollywood, a man well-versed in the ways of love, Leon Phelps, the Ladies Man.

Leon Phelps: Yeah. Thank you. What is happenin'? Thank you, Colin.. [ notices Tina there instead ] Oo-ooh! It's a lady, yeah! Now, that is what I call sexy. But I digress. My fellow Americans, I am here today to dispute the charge that movies have too much sex. Now, I've always thought that saying "too much sex" is like saying "too much Christmas." But, Hollywood isn't built on sex, it's built on romance. Was the magic between Bogart and Bacall just about sex? Or Richard Burton and Liz Taylor? Was it just about sex when Ron Jeremy bent Traci Lords over the hood of a..

Tina Fey: [ breaking in ] Yes, it was.

Leon Phelps: Well.. I, for one, thought it was beautiful.. But maybe I'm just old-fashioned. You see, Tina, I can remember when a movie only cost a quarter.. and then, after a few minutes, you could see more of the movie for another quarter. You know what? That sounds pretty good right about now! Say, Tina, how about you and I grab a roll of quarters and go see 6 or 7 movies?

Tina Fey: You want me to go see a porno with you?

Leon Phelps: You see, Tina, that's what I'm talking about. One man's porno is another man's "Sleepless in Seattle". Which reminds me, if you haven't seen it do yourself a party and see "Ass Party."

Tina Fey: Wait a minute. Why does "Sleepless in Seattle" remind you of a movie called "Ass Party"?

Leon Phelps: Well, basically, everything reminds me of "Ass Party".. You see, what I'm saying is that Washington has no business telling America what's too sexy. You see, if that was the case, then I, Leon Phelps, would be illegal, instead of just "wanted for questioning" in several states. You know, I think everyone in Washington, all over America, in fact, should just relax, enjoy some Couversier, and take in a sexy movie.

Tina Fey: So you're advising people to go out and see a sexy movie?

Leon Phelps: Well, yes, Tina, but not right this minute.. but maybe next weekend, October 13th, maybe..? [ holds up poster to his movie ] That's right.. yes, America, it is your responsibility to go out October 13th and see a movie - a very funny movie - a movie Entertainment Weekly called..

Tina Fey: Come on, Tim! Is that the only reason you came back this week is to plug your movie!

Tim Meadows: [ breaking character ] No, Tina, I didn't. I came to see my friends.. I miss this place. I had a great time here. And I'd also like to say that I'm one of the stars of "The Michael Richards Show", premiering on NBC in two weeks..!

Tina Fey: Get out of here! Tim Meadows, everybody!

Two Wisconsin brothers, ages 74 and 80, were arrested this week after agents confiscated more than half a million dollars in pot on their property. When discovered in their home, the brothers were found laughing their asses off watching an episode of "Matlock."

This week, the Vatican apologized for a recent Church document that called non-Christian religions "gravely deficient". Said a Vatican spokesman, "While we believe that other religions are deficient, and that their pagan followers will burn in hell, we certainly never meant to write it down."


Jimmy Fallon: Coming up on "Weekend Update Health Watch": Is there a simple muscle exercise you can do that will prevent diabetes? No.. no, there isn't.

Tina Fey: Yeah, I didn't think so.

In New York this week, Spike Lee premiered his new film "Bamboozled", which features actors in blackface. Or, as John Rocker calls it: "The feel good movie of the year."

Jimmy Fallon: And now, it's time for "Women's News".

Tina Fey: Thank you, Jimmy. As a mother of two, which I am not, I worry about the lack of positive role models for today's young girls. For example, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore this skimpy outfit at MTV's Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfit inappropriate and say it's just another example of Hollywood sexualizing young girls. But I say, ladies, give it up. Britney's ass looks good. Look at that ass. That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through a hole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonna blow, so enjoy it now. Have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it with fine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it's gone. And, as for whether or not those are breast implants are not.. Britney was on our show last year, I worked with her.. and, to me, her breasts felt completely real.

Jimmy Fallon: What did you say? you said they "felt real"?

Tina Fey: No.

This week "The Beatles Anthology", a 368-page history of the band's career, was released, giving fans the group's own take on their rise to success. And, as an added bonus, if fans read the book backwards it says, "We're just trying to help out Ringo."

This week Pat Robertson reportedly invited Joe Lieberman to address the Christian Coalition, but the date he chose was Rosh Hashana, one of the holiest days in the Jewish religious calendar. Robertson apologized, saying that he meant no disrespect to the Jewish faith and tried to make it up to Lieberman by sending him a two-pound Honey-Baked ham.

Jimmy Fallon: And now in part two of looking into violence in the media, the music industry, and the controversy over expicit lyrics and violent content. To help shed light on this matter, here are two of my favorite old school rappers, the masters of hip-hop, please welcome Grand Master Rap and Kid Shazaam.

Grand Master Rap: Yeah!

Kid Shazaam: Dig it!

Grand Master Rap: Yeah, how ya doin', homeboy?

Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good.

Kid Shazaam: Whoa, now, don't forget Miss Tina down there, uh huh!

Grand Master Rap: She sure is fly, ain't she?

Kid Shazaam: Super-duper fly!

Grand Master Rap: Word! Word!

Kid Shazaam: Word up!

Grand Master Rap: Word up!

Jimmy Fallon: Now, you were there at the beginning of rap.. so, you tell me, why do you think there's so much violence in hip-hop today?

Kid Shazaam: That's a good question, Jimmy Fallon. These rappers today like M&Ms, talking about abusing women and violence and all kind of nonsense.

Grand Master Rap: When we were rappers, we talked about good stuff, like putting your hands in the air.

Kid Shazaam: [ starting their rap ]
"And waving 'em, like you just don't care!"

Grand Master Rap: "If you believe that you are great
Somebody say, "Oh yeah!"

Kid Shazaam: "Oh yeah!"

Grand Master Rap: "Oh yeah!"

Kid Shazaam: "Everybody in the house say, yeah!"

Together: "Rap rap ribbity rap rap
Rip rop ribbity do!
If you believe that you are great
Rip rop ribbity do!:


Grand Master Rap: That was fresh!

Kid Shazaam: Word!

Grand Master Rap: Yo, man.

Kid Shazaam: Okay.

Grand Master Rap: How's that for hard-core rap, Jimmy Fallon?
Jimmy Fallon: [ disturbed ] How old are you guys?

Grand Master Rap: I'm 54.

Kid Shazaam: I'll be 63 in December.

Jimmy Fallon: My grandfather's 63!

Grand Master Rap: We told you we started hip-hops! Back in 1972!

Kid Shazaam: We are dangerous, we're on the street, man. In 1984, I was ticketed for operating a roasted nut stand without a license.

Grand Master Rap: Whew!

Kid Shazaam: That's dangerous!

Grand Master Rap: Let me tell ya, anytime you youngsters wanna battle us old-timers, than bring it on!

Kid Shazaam: Bring it on!

[ Eminem steps up ]

Grand Master Rap: Hey, hey!

Kid Shazaam: You wanna battle us, punk?

Eminem: No, no. Grand Master Rap, Kid Shazaam. I was thinking, you guys started it all. And, maybe I should clean up my act, and start rapping about throwing my hands in the air.

Grand Master Rap: That's right.

Together: Hit it! Here we go...

"Cause we'll...
Rap you up
We'll rap you down
We'll let our lyrics beat you down
Cause we'll do it, do it, do it
Rap rap rap
Rop rop rop
A-rap rap, ribbity rap rap
Rip rop ribbity do!"

Grand Master Rap: "Grand Master Rap!"
Kid Shazaam: "Kid Shazaam!"
Together: "Rip rop, ribbity doo! "
Eminem: "Well, I'm Eminem
And I'm here to say
I like to rap in the old-school way
I said, rap rap
Ribbity rap rap
Rip rop ribbity do!"

Jimmy Fallon: Grandmaster Rap, Kid Shazaam, and Eminem, everybody! I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow. [ to Jimmy ] We're set, baby!


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