Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2




00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Boston Teens

Sully.....Jimmy Fallon
Denise.....Rachel Dratch
Frank.....Horatio Sanz
Bernadette.....Kate Hudson
.....Nomar Garciaparra

[close up on "Red Sox" on Sully's shirt]

Sully: Hey Tommy, got enough light? Focus it...Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, this is my girl here, Denise. I'm here in my basment in Lexington, Mass.

Denise: GO MINUTEMAN! GO MINUTEMAN!

Sully: This tape is our official submission to the producers of Survivor.

Denise: Yeah, please disregard the previous tape we sent to you. That was supposed to be for our own private use.

[they make out]

[Frank enters with an Easy Bake Oven]

Frank: Hey Sully! I found a Easy Bake Oven in a box of your old toys. You mind if I bake a tiny cake with it?

Sully: Knock yourself out, Frank

Frank: Awesome! [walks to table in the back of the room]

Denise: Alright, here's why we are prime canidates to be on the next Survivor: I have the military knowledge of Rudy, a nicer rack than Colleen.

Sully: And I'm craftier than Richard Hatch.

Denise: You're queerer

Sully: You are!

[they make out...]

[Bernadette Enters]

Bernadette: Ugh! Call animal control! There are two dogs humping in my room!

Sully: This part of the basement is public domain. Your room is in there with the water heater. [points to door]

Bernadette: Yeah, shut up butt-lick!

Sully: You shut up, ass face. [pushes Bernadette, she pushes back, and they run around the room pusing each other]

Denise: That's Sully's sista Bernadette. She's back home livin in the basement cuz she failed out of cookin school.

Bernadette: I wanted to be a cake maker.

Sully: Yeah, and yet your dreams were crushed by your poor attendence and your inability to spell "Congratulations".

Bernadette: [pushes Sully] Moron!

Sully: You are!

[Sully and Denise make out]

Bernadette: Hey, hey! Seriously guys, knock it off. I got somebody comin ova.

[Bernadette runs to her room]

Sully: [turning back to camera] You know, if I could live with this half-a-whore for 17 years, surely I could survive the harsh rigors of the Australian wilderness. The only thing I'd miss would be this Louisville Slugga [picks up baseball bat and shows camera] personally signed by Nomar Garciopara. NOMAR!! YEAH!!

Denise: I should be picked to be on Surviver cuz I'm very good at group dynamics. I grew up with NINE brothers and sisters. Donnie, Dorreen, Dotty, Davy Junior, Debbie, Dougie, Dennis, Donna and Jamal.

Sully: Guess which one's got a different Dad!

Denise: You're Retahded!

Sully: Prove it! [goes in to kiss her]

Denise: [pushes him away] Alright, in conclusion CBS, pick me! I'm wicked psyched to go down under!

Sully: Not often enough, trust me.

[Denise pushes Sully]

[Bernadette enters wearing short shorts and a leapord-print tube top]

Bernadette: I swear to God Sully, if you don't get out of here I'll put my foot so far up your ass you'll be breathing like you smell like Reebocks!

Sully: Yeah, good comeback

[Frank gets up with his easy-bake oven]

Frank: I need a 15-watt lightbulb and some semi-sweet chocolate chips.

Sully: [annoyed] Upstairs.

Frank: AWESOME!! [goes upstairs]

Denise: Hey Bernedette, that tube top's wicked nice.

Bernadette: Oh thanks. It's a kinda tight...it's supposed to be a headband.

[Tommy zooms in on her boobs, Sully puts hand over camera]

Sully: HEY! Watch it Tommy! Yeah, you are really whored-out. Even for you.

Bernadette: Well yeah cuz this guy's comin ova. He's wicked hot. We're gonna watch Howard Stern and make out.

[someone knocks on the door]

Bernadette: Ooh! [runs upstairs to answer the door]

Sully: God! He's not even gonna take you out to Papa Gino's first? Pitiful! This guy must be a top-notch loser.

Denise: Yeah, seriously Bernadette, you gotta learn to respect yourself.

[Sully wiggles his fingers where Denises boobs are]

[Nomar Garciaparra enters]

Nomar: Hey Bernadette you look great!

Bernadette: Hi

Nomar: [waves to Sully and Denise] Hi, kids.

Sully & Denise: NNOOMMAAARR!!! [they make out]

[Sully and Denise jump off the couch]

Sully: NOMAR!! NOMAR!! AHH!!!! [freaks out]

Bernadette: What are you freaks doing?

Denise: Are you retahded? It's Nomar Garciaparra!!

Sully: I can't breathe!

Denise: Sully, don't look directly at him! [Sully turns away] He's got a heart murmur.

Sully: [turns back] Bernadette, for once, your slutty ways have brought honor to the Sullivan house.

Denise: Oh my Gawd, oh my Gawd! Will you autograph my boob? [pulls down shirt]

Nomar: OK. What's your name? [gets pen from jacket]

Denise: Just make it out to Zazoo

Nomar: Alright

Denise: No, wait! [reaches down on the table and grabs a sharpie] Use a Sharpie!

[while Normar signs her boob Denise mouths "Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!"]

Sully: I will never pour beer on that boob again!

Nomar: Calm down, calm down! Listen, I'm not a superhero. I'm a person, just like you are. And you two can be as successful as I am, as long as you stay in school and follow your dreams.

Sully & Denise: [in awe] Seriously?

Nomar: Yeah, now get out of here, so I can make out with your sister.

Sully: Absolutely. It's an honor to have you anywhere near my gene pool.

Bernadette: [To Sully and Denise] Hey, beat it! [to Normar] So, uh, you wanna drink? Beer, peach schnaps, tequiza?

Denise: Bernadette! Bernadette! You should totally try to get pregnant. You'd get a wicked cute baby, and a fat check every month!

Bernadette: All retards remove yourself!

Sully: But Nomar! I'll have nothing to remember you by.

Nomar: I'll give your sister a couple souvenier balls.

Sully: Tommy, PLEASE tell me you got that on tape?!?

[Tommy nods yes]

[Denise & Sully make out and Bernadette and Nomar make out]

[fade out]


Submitted by: SiLLyPiNkRaBBiT


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