Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

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00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories.

Despite explosive violence in the West Bank this week, negotiators remained hopeful that a  U.S.-sponsored summit could end the conflict. Israeli and Palestinian officials say they are eager to sign an agreement so they could dip it in gasoline, light it on fire, and throw it at each other. Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina. Thanks, Tina.

During Wednesday's Presidential Debate, Al Gore pointed out that while George Bush is opposed to same sex marriage, his own running mate Dick Cheney has much more liberal views on the subject. Bush replied that if Gore liked Dick Cheney's ideas so much, maybe he should marry him.

During this week's New York Senate debate, both Hilary Clinton and Rick Lazio said they were strongly opposed to a bill that would place a 5-cent charge on e-mail messages. However it turns out the bill is an urban myth and doesn't even exist. The candidates also expressed their opposition to giant alligators in the sewers and their deep sorrow that Mikey died from drinking Pepsi and Pop Rocks.

The space shuttle Discovery was launched Thursday to begin building a $60 billion international space station. After the launch an excited NASA spokesman commented, "This space station will be the most sophisticated, technologically advanced piece of  equipment we will ever lose."

Despite adding an extra hour this week, the Today Show was unable to beat its competition, Live With Regis. Regis executive producer Michael Gelman explained, "Even though Katie Lee has left the show, we still benefit from her deal with Satan."

Responding to a bill being proposed in New York that would limit sex-related businesses in the city, Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he drives sex shops "into the ocean". Giuliani is backed by thousands of parents, teachers, and Aquamen. (show picture of Aquaman)

Tina Fey: In sports news, New York City is closing in on its first all-New York World Series since 1956. (wild cheers and applause from audience) And no one - no one could be more excited about this than our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you. Thank you very much. Tina, three words: Subway Series. Am I right, New York? Come on! (audience responds by wild cheers and applause) The Yankees just won 5-nothing, okay? The magic number is three, and it's out of control - the whole city is going crazy! For once, Tina, New York City is divided. The guys in the Bronx are all like, "Yo yo yo, El Duque, that's what I'm talkin' about!" and the people in Queens are like, "Eduardo Alfonso, Piazza, yo yo yo, that's what I'm talkin' about!" and the rest of New York is like, "Yo yo yo, Mets, Yankees, that's what I'm talkin' about!" People are just going nuts in the streets. Roll the footage... (supposed footage of people going wild in New York City shows) Look at these people celebrating the Yankees' victory in game 2, the bats finally woke up. And here, Tina, you can see the mad rush to get World Series tickets has already begun.

Tina Fey: Jimmy, did you put that little piece together by yourself?

Jimmy Fallon: No, Tina. I had the help of millions of New Yorkers. Back to you.

An entire school showed up at a George W. Bush rally in Dearborn, Michigan this week to complain to the governor that their building is unsafe and they lack books and teachers. A sympathetic Bush promised that if elected, he'll take care of the students the best way he knows how, by executing them.

The producers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer are reportedly talking with Britney Spears to get the singer to do a two-part guest appearance on the show. The two parts are above her waist and below her neck.

Jimmy Fallon: Turning to business news, Wall Street has been erratic all week as the tech market continues to falter. Here now with a "Weekend Update" stock report is Tina Fey. How did the market do today, Tina?

Tina Fey: The stock market was closed today, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: That bad, huh? I guess I got out just in time...

The rock group Phish surprised its fans this week with an announcement that they will be breaking up. No surprise is the immediate drop in sales of Birkenstocks, hackey sacks, and one-hitters and the rise of sales of soap.

Tina Fey: Now at "Weekend Update" we are proud to introduce a brand new segment we call "Movie Minute" featuring our own movie man Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina. I'm all over this tonight, huh? This weekend I saw "Meet The Parents" starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller. Falling in love with Pam was easy, but meeting her dad was the hard part, Tina. Ben Stiller was so funny. Ben Stiller was like - (imitating Ben Stiller) "I'm gonna meet the parents! Guess what? I'm from the other side of the tracks. Guess what? The dad's from the CIA. Ooh-ooh, I'm so scared, ooh, the CIA guy. Ooh, Mr. Scary Guy." And Robert De Niro, uh, he was like, De Niro. (imitating Robert De Niro) "You're gonna meet me! You're gonna meet me! Me you'll meet! You're meeting me! I got a lie detector, that you will meet! You're gonna meet me! I'm gonna meet you!  I'm gonna meet you! You're gonna meet me!"

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you just keep saying the word "meet" over and over - did you even see this movie?

Jimmy Fallon: No, I did not, Tina. I saw an ad in the paper, it looks really good though.

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you are a constant disappointment to me.

Jimmy Fallon: (imitating De Niro) Tina, I'm gonna meet you.

Tina Fey: No you're not.

The producers of "Seussical", a $10 million musical celebrating the characters of Dr. Seuss, have delayed their Broadway opening three weeks to fix the show's troubled second act. A spokesman for the production said, "We'll work out the kinks, we'll work out the glitches, we'll work out the schneezles and beezles and squitches."

Country music star Garth Brooks announced this week that he and his wife Sandy will be divorcing after 14 years of marriage. Rumor has it that Garth was angry Sandy made fun of his alter ego Chris Gaines, and Sandy was angry that Chris Gaines was nailing Trisha Yearwood.

The supposed image of the Virgin Mary in the window of a New Jersey house disappeared Tuesday when the homeowner cleaned the glass, leading many to conclude what they have already feared... there are no virgins in New Jersey.

Tina Fey: Of all the people tuned in to the recent presidential debates, no one was more interested in the outcome than the current president. Here he is to talk about the debates and more - President Bill Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Thank you, Jimmy, and thank you, Ms. Fey. America, anyone who has paid attention to the events of the last few days knows that we are in the midst of some very difficult times. Therefore, it's all the more important for us as a nation to do the best we can to make an informed decision concerning our next leader. Will it be Al Gore or will it be George W. Bush? I would like to say my friend Al Gore is the right choice, but that would not be truthful. And I believe there is one thing my presidency will be remembered for. It will be honesty and integrity.

Anyway, after watching the two candidates debate, there is one informed decision we can make, and that is, they suck! They suck big time. They are not presidential material. We need a Colin Powell or John McCain type. Or a Chuck Heston. Those are presidents. But - but George W.? Al Gore? "Oh, no, the situation in the Middle East is out of control! What are we gonna do, Al Gore?" "Well I propose we calculate the ratio of an isoceles triangle and divide it by..." WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT? I don't know. Nobody knows.

But - but - is George W. much better? Subliminable? Unaccepta-ma-ba-ble? Can y'all say unelect-a-ma-bable? Now, now, when the country is invaded by apes, we need the president to say, "Get your stinking hands off me, you damn dirty ape!" That's what Chuck Heston would do. That is presidential. That's what I'm talking about.

Listen, America, I have felt your pain before and I feel it now. In the coming months I'm going to appoint a special council to look into the legality of the - of this 8-year term limit thing. I think there's some fudging we can do. Because if there's one thing I've learned, our laws are like pinatas - the more you beat 'em, the more candy you get. I think I'll be able to run again by late October. Don't be scared, America. Everything will be okay.

Tina Fey: President Clinton, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.


Submitted by: >Mike


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