Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2




00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Woodrow

Actor.....Chris Kattan
Actress.....Molly Shannon
Director.....Chris Parnell
.....Kate Hudson
Woodrow.....Tracy Morgan
Cafe Manager.....Will Ferrell

[ open on a group of actors sitting outside a Hollywood cafe ]

Actor: Anyway, long story short - I'm at home getting paid for doing squat.

Actress: And, believe me, you're good at doing that!
[ everyone laughs ]

Actor: I am!

Director: [ changing subject ] Kate, what time do we have to be back on the set?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. 1:20, we've got some time.

Actress: Hey, how's the movie going?

Kate Hudson: Oh.. great!

[ the sound of a car screeching to a halt can be heard ]

Voice in Street: Hey! Watch where you're going!

Woodrow: [ running forward ] Whoo! Blast off! Hey, everyone, it's me, Woodrow!

Actress: [ holding her nose ] Eugh!

Actor: [ horrified ] Oh, my God! He stinks!

Cafe Manager: Excuse me, Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Woodrow: I'm Woodrow! [ holds up mangled script ] I got a movie part for Kate, it's a doozy!

[ everyone laughs at him ]

Actress: Oh, my God, this guy actually thinks he's in the biz!

Woodrow: Stop! Stop laughing at me!

Director: [ laughing ] Even the homeless in this town have a script! I bet he directs!

Woodrow: It's not funny! [ starts crying ]

Kate Hudson: [ gets up to comfort Woodrow ] Hey, hey, you're hurting his feelings. It's okay. I'll look at your movie script.

Woodrow: You will?

Kate Hudson: Yes.

Woodrow: It's only a part of it. The best part, I left at home.

Kate Hudson: Oh. Well, let's go look at it. Where do you live?

Woodrow: Right here. [ points to manhole in middle of street ]

Kate Hudson: In the sewer?

Woodrow: Yeah. Come on.

[ Woodrow opens manhole and climbs down. Kate follows, much to the horror of her friends. ]

Director: Kate, remember we gotta be back at the studio by 1:30!

Actress: Geez.. oh, my gosh, you guys, I think I'm gonna be sick. That guy smelled awful!

Actor: Well, she can kiss her career goodbye.

Director: Really? Why?

Actor: Well, you never go down in a sewer with a homeless man! It's career-ending. Don't you know anything?!

[ cut to Woodrow and Kate reaching the bottom of the sewer - harp music sets the scene ]

Woodrow: Well, here we are. I like it because it's rent-controlled.

Kate Hudson: It's nice.

Woodrow: Here, would you like a doggie biscuit?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. no thank you.

Woodrow: How about a can of baby formula?

Kate Hudson: Sure. So, okay.. what about this movie script?

Woodrow: Oh, that? Uh.. [ fakes sound of phone ringing ] Ring! Ring! I gotta take this one.. [ picks up piece of board ] Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah! [ hangs up board ]

Kate Hudson: Wow. That sounded important..

Woodrow: Yeah. That's Wall Street stuff. I'm sorry about that. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah - the movie script. You don't really want to read this, do you?

Kate Hudson: Oh, no, I do. I really do.

Woodrow: Really? That's a relief. I gotta be honest.. you know that phone call I just had?

Kate Hudson: Yeah?

Woodrow: That was a fake. I was just trying to impress you. In fact, I'm not really that rich. I'm just a gret, big phony.

Kate Hudson: Oh, I don't think you're a phony.

Woodrow: Thanks! [ holds up script ] Okay, in this scene, you play Amanda Kiln, and I'll play the part of Dr. Jergens.

Kate Hudson: Okay. [ reads from script ] "Tell me, Doctor Jergens, is my liver gonna be okay?"

Woodrow: "No. No, it's not. Your liver has a brain tumor. It's serious."

Kate Hudson: "How serious?"

Woodrow: "Medical. That's how."

Kate Hudson: "Is it laryngitis?"

Woodrow: "Yes. You're going to die in.. in.. in a minute or so."

Kate Hudson: "Oh, God, this crazy world, Doctor, I'm scared!"

Woodrow: "You know, when I'm scared, I have a song I like to sing, and I want you to sing it with me.. [ singing ]
'Toasters and birds, little pigeon turds
Radio in my hair, it's really not there
Because I.. love.. you..'

Now, your turn.'

Kate Hudson: "Okay. [ singing ]
'Boogers and poop, dictionary soup
Run for the hills, we have to eat pills
And I.. love.. you..'
"

Woodrow: "Now, both."

Kate Hudson: "Ah."

Together: [ singing ]
"'Mr. Rubber Face, I'm from outer space
Kibbles 'n Bits, tiny mouse tits
And I.. love.. you..
I.. love.. you..'
"

Woodrow: This is it. This is where we kiss.

Kate Hudson: Like this? [ kisses Woodrow on the lips ]

Woodrow: See? You just made me piss my pants!

Kate Hudson: I've got an idea. Why don't I introduce you to my agent?

Director: Hey, Kate! It's past 1:30!

Kate Hudson: Oh, rats.. that's my director..

Woodrow: You'd better get back..

Kate Hudson: Oh, I can't leave.. I have feelings for you.. I think maybe I.. I think..

Woodrow: Shh.. You belong up there, with them. Now go.

Kate Hudson: You sure?

Woodrow: Go, before I change my mind.

Kate Hudson: Bye. [ climbs back up the sewer ]

Woodrow: [ fakes the sound of a telephone, and holds the board to his ear ] Hello? This is Woodrow. I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. [ hangs up - scene fades to black ]


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