Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 3





00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

The Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullin.....Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto.....Molly Shannon
Gordon Hoover.....Dana Carvey

Margaret Jo McCullin: Hello. I'm Margaret Jo McCullin.

Teri Rialto: And I'm Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullin: And you're listening to..

Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Now, Teri, today is a special Halloween culinary spooks-travaganza. So let's summon some ghoulies and ghosties to help us make ghoulash and toasties.

Teri Rialto: Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year. I have such happy memories from my childhood of dressing up and going door-to-door, and collecting for UNICEF.

Margaret Jo McCullin: I know, same. My favorite was always apple-bobbing. Although, due to a terrible allergy to apples, my family bobbed for uncooked potatoes and yellow onions. It was a real hoot!

Teri Rialto: Neat.

Margaret Jo McCullin: It was fun.

Teri Rialto: Potatoes and onions.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Now, Teri, what are you going to do this Halloween?

Teri Rialto: Well, I enjoy spending Halloween night out in a pumpkin patch, waiting for the Great Pumpkin to appear.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Ooh, like Charlie Brown!

Teri Rialto: Charlie what, now?

Margaret Jo McCullin: The cartoon. The cartoon, Charlie Brown.

Teri Rialto: [ minorly upset ] There is nothing cartoonish about my religious beliefs.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, anyway, we have a very special guest joining us tonight. He teaches at Cesar Chavez High School.

Teri Rialto: Now, didn't that used to be the James Madison High School?

Margaret Jo McCullin: Yeah, it sure did, but they changed the name.

Teri Rialto: More importantly, once a year he is the proprieter of Gordon Hoover's Scary Town.

Margaret Jo McCullin: But don't worry, it's actually just one-half of a 2-family duplex over near Interstate 15!

Teri Rialto: Ooh! Scary Town!

Margaret Jo McCullin: Please welcome Gordon Hoover. Hi, Gordon.

[ Gordon, dressed in a pirate costume complete with eye patch, scoots up to the microphone and puts on his headphones ]

Teri Rialto: I like your pirate costume.

Gordon Hoover: Well, thank you. I strive for terrified authenticity.

Margaret Jo McCullin: The eyepiece is a really clever touch.

Gordon Hoover: That's not part of the costume. Yesterday, I scratched my cornea while replacing some fiberglass insulation over at Scary Town.

Teri Rialto: Ohhh..

Margaret Jo McCullin: Ouch.

Teri Rialto: Injured eyeball. Painful.

Margaret Jo McCullin: That's not fun at all.

Gordon Hoover: No. It's not.

Teri Rialto: Well, Gordon, every Halloween, for about fifteen years now, you've turned your house into a haunted castle full of treats for the neighborhood, isn't that right?

Gordon Hoover: Fifteen years, that's right. Of course, most of the kids are grown up now.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Yeah, kids will do that.

Gordon Hoover: Yeah, and the neighborhood has gotten a little more character, and it's become a little more.. uh.. urban.. but I'm still out there every year.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good for you. Well, why don't you tell us about this wonderful tray here of Halloween hors-douvres - or, should I say, horrors-douvre.

Teri Rialto: [ laughing ] That's funny. You're really funny.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Thanks. I thought of that last Christmas, but I had to save it until now to use it!

Gordon Hoover: Yeah.. well, um.. one of my favorite spooky treats are these little ghosts. [ holds up the ghosts ] These bone-chilling spectors are made by taking an ordinary lollipop and wrapping it in toilet paper.

Teri Rialto: Boy, I never knew that toilet paper could be so scary.

Gordon Hoover: Well, it can.. be scary, yes.. especially if it's thrown at your house by a gang of mass teenagers shouting Spanish curse words, and swilling something out of a bottle marked "Algano Diablo."

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, tricks can be as fun as treats.

Gordon Hoover: Yeah.. I tell myself that.

Teri Rialto: So, what else did you bring?

Gordon Hoover: Well, Teri, one of the scariest foods out there is this. [ holds a bowl of cereal ] It's General Mills' most terrifying brand of cereal available. It's Count Chocula.

Teri Rialto: Ooh, Count Chocula. Now, isn't he some kind of black Dracula?

Gordon Hoover: Yeah, that's right. And, incidentally, the name of the gang that corrals around my neighborhood - the Black Draculas. And that's pretty much a year-round thing.

Margaret Jo McCullin: So, on Halloween, the kids like to come to your door, and you give them cereal?

Gordon Hoover: Well, they don't really come to the door any more. They mostly let themselves in through an open window, or they cut out a screen door. And I don't think they're really looking for cereal, so much as they're looking for electronics, stereo equipment, and cheap.. cheap thrills.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. speaking of thrills, one thing Teri and I like to do is put peeled grapes in a bowl, and they feel like gooey eyeballs!

Teri Rialto: [ excited ] Yeah-ah!

Gordon Hoover: Is that a joke about my scratched cornea?

[ awkward silence ]

Teri Rialto: So, do you have anything really special planned for this year's Gordon Hoover's Scary Town?

Gordon Hoover: Do I ever! Let me tell you, those punks are in for a bog surprise if they try to screw with Gordon Hoover this year!

Margaret Jo McCullin: Oh, neat!

Teri Rialto: Should be fun.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times.

Gordon Hoover: No, it won't be good times. It'll be more along the order of razor blades on the windowsills, and buckets of human waste propped over the door jambs. Those little a-holes better watch their butts this Halloween.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, that's all the time we have..

Gordon Hoover: I don't care! If I have to go down, I'm gonna take a couple of Black Draculas with me!

Teri Rialto: Please join us next time when we discuss..

Together: Bran.


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