00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend
Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."
Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon, and here are tonight's top stories.
A current online poll shows that George W. Bush is beating Al Gore by a
margin of 4% - or, as George W. Bush would refer to it: [ holds up four
fingers ] ..this many.
With Election Day approaching, the presidential candidates stepped up their
TV appearances. This week, Gore and Bush were on Letterman, Regis, and
"The View". Meanwhile, Ralph Nader was a plaintiff on "Judge Joe Brown",
and Pat Buchanan appeared on a security camera at a Walgreen's.
This just in - New York City Police have reportedly apprehended the person
who let the dogs out.
Tina Fey: Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government
to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who
are protected by the Albanian mafia.
Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that
all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they
send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse,
or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave
me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but
every time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9.. This
just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French
Back to you, Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: You take this one.
Tina Fey: Alright, I'll take this one!
With the election just two weeks away, the average person finds himself
bombarded by polls and interviews that supposedly reflect how real people
feel. But are average citizens influenced by the media themselves when
responding to questions and polls. "Weekend Update" correspondent Adam McKay
hit the streets to find out. Adam?
[ cut to live video ]
Adam McKay: Thank you, Tina, Jimmy, let's face it - most people
resent us media types. They resent our committment to excellence, our
extreme wealth, and the fact that we're very good friends with Peter
Jennings - which I am. With that in mind, how can we be expected to
generate honest answers from people on the streets? It's simple. By posing
as one of them. The clothes I'm wearing right now are the types of clothes
that Joe Average might wear; and the vehicle I'm driving.. [ indicates van ]
..is exactly the type of vehicle that John Q. Public might drive. So now
I'm no longer an award-winning reporter, I'm just a dude who wants to rap
about politics while my buddies film people in my van. Let's find out what
America thinks about Bush-Gore in 2000.
[ on the street ]
Adam McKay: Sir, maybe you could help me out..
Man on Street #1: [ rushing by ] Get away from me.
Adam McKay: I just need you to get in my van..
Man on Street #1: I don't think so.
Adam McKay: Just get it the van!
[ cut to another street ]
Adam McKay: Folks? Come for a little ride with us? Want to get
in my van, have some beers, maybe make some movies? Oh, it's no joke, that's
what we're doing.
[ cut to another street ]
Adam McKay: Hey, ladies, how you doin'? Your hair's lookin' pretty.
Let me just do, like, a three-way - a three-way interview with you ladies..
We'll go for a ride, like just up to the reservoir..
Adam McKay: Come on.. you all got pretty hair, and we just want to
go for a ride, that's all..
[ cut to Adam addressing the camera alone ]
Adam McKay: Okay, so far so good. But now we're gonna change our
focus a little bit. We're gonna talk to a group of people who can't help
being honest. I'm talking about children.
[ cut to Adam trying to get some kids in his van ]
Adam McKay: Hey, kids! I got candy! Wanna go for a ride in my
van? Come on! Your parents know who I am! [ walks slowly up to the kids,
his arm extended ] I'm not gonna hurt you - we just want to film you.
Come on, get in the van.. we're gonna make movies..
[ an angry Father rushes and out and grabs Adam by the collar ]
Angry Father: What did you say?!
Adam McKay: Nothing! I just want them to go in my van, so I can
film them talking about Bush!
[ Angry Father shoves Adam to the ground and proceeds to beat the crap out of
[ cut back to Adam safe in the back of his van, face bloodied up ]
Adam McKay: Well, there you have it - there's still passion in this
country for the electoral process. So, guess what?
[ Angry Father and others appear running after the van from behind ]
Angry Father: Get out of our neighborhood, you pervert!!
Adam McKay: Mr. Pundit doctor experts, don't give up on Lady Liberty
yet. Reporting from Life, I'm Adam McKay. Back to you, Jimmy and Tina.
Jimmy Fallon: Something to think about there.
Donna Hanover, the estranged wife of New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani, made her
debut in the play "The Vagina Monologues" this week, in which she talks about
orgasms and lesbian sex. In response, the Mayor has already made plans to
have Hanover torn down and replaced with a Disney Store.
Tina Fey: Last week, in a segment we call "Movie Minute", Jimmy gave
an unfavorable review to the movie "Meet The Parents", starring Ben Stiller
and Robert DeNiro.
Jimmy Fallon: I did, that's right. And I'm gonna stand by my review.
Tina Fey: Oh, yeah? Good. Because here with a review of Jimmy's
Review, is Robert DeNiro.
[ Jimmy turns pale and tries not to laugh as DeNiro takes the seat next to him ]
Robert DeNiro: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. [ to Jimmy ] So.. what
did you say about my movie?
Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling ] I just said that basically it's you just
saying, [ imitating DeNiro ] "You're gonna meet me! We're gonna meet! Meet
the Parents! You're gonna meet me! We're gonna meet!"
Robert DeNiro: That's not what I do.
Jimmy Fallon: [ imitating ] Yes, you do!
Robert DeNiro: That's not what I do.
Jimmy Fallon: [ imitating ] Yes, you do-o-o!
Robert DeNiro: [ rough ] Jimmy! I said, that's not what
Jimmy Fallon: [ pause ] Little bit? [ pause ] Tina..?
Tina Fey: Uh.. you are on your own!
Jimmy Fallon: I.. I thought that..
Robert DeNiro: [ grabs Jimmy's arm ] You think too much. [ pause ] So.. you gonna meet me?
Is that what I do?
Jimmy Fallon: [ shaking head ] No, Sir.. that's not what you do..
Tina Fey: Well, that's the news. I'm Tina Fey..
Robert DeNiro: [ imitating Jimmy ] "And I'm Jimmy Fallon!"
Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow.