Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 3

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00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
.....Adam McKay
.....Robert DeNiro

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon, and here are tonight's top stories.

A current online poll shows that George W. Bush is beating Al Gore by a margin of 4% - or, as George W. Bush would refer to it: [ holds up four fingers ] ..this many.

With Election Day approaching, the presidential candidates stepped up their TV appearances. This week, Gore and Bush were on Letterman, Regis, and "The View". Meanwhile, Ralph Nader was a plaintiff on "Judge Joe Brown", and Pat Buchanan appeared on a security camera at a Walgreen's.

This just in - New York City Police have reportedly apprehended the person who let the dogs out.

Tina Fey: Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia.

Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9.. This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore.

Back to you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: You take this one.

Tina Fey: Alright, I'll take this one!

With the election just two weeks away, the average person finds himself bombarded by polls and interviews that supposedly reflect how real people feel. But are average citizens influenced by the media themselves when responding to questions and polls. "Weekend Update" correspondent Adam McKay hit the streets to find out. Adam?

[ cut to live video ]

Adam McKay: Thank you, Tina, Jimmy, let's face it - most people resent us media types. They resent our committment to excellence, our extreme wealth, and the fact that we're very good friends with Peter Jennings - which I am. With that in mind, how can we be expected to generate honest answers from people on the streets? It's simple. By posing as one of them. The clothes I'm wearing right now are the types of clothes that Joe Average might wear; and the vehicle I'm driving.. [ indicates van ] exactly the type of vehicle that John Q. Public might drive. So now I'm no longer an award-winning reporter, I'm just a dude who wants to rap about politics while my buddies film people in my van. Let's find out what America thinks about Bush-Gore in 2000.

[ on the street ]

Adam McKay: Sir, maybe you could help me out..

Man on Street #1: [ rushing by ] Get away from me.

Adam McKay: I just need you to get in my van..

Man on Street #1: I don't think so.

Adam McKay: Just get it the van!

[ cut to another street ]

Adam McKay: Folks? Come for a little ride with us? Want to get in my van, have some beers, maybe make some movies? Oh, it's no joke, that's what we're doing.

[ cut to another street ]

Adam McKay: Hey, ladies, how you doin'? Your hair's lookin' pretty. Let me just do, like, a three-way - a three-way interview with you ladies.. We'll go for a ride, like just up to the reservoir..

Ladies No.

Adam McKay: Come on.. you all got pretty hair, and we just want to go for a ride, that's all..

Ladies No.

[ cut to Adam addressing the camera alone ]

Adam McKay: Okay, so far so good. But now we're gonna change our focus a little bit. We're gonna talk to a group of people who can't help being honest. I'm talking about children.

[ cut to Adam trying to get some kids in his van ]

Adam McKay: Hey, kids! I got candy! Wanna go for a ride in my van? Come on! Your parents know who I am! [ walks slowly up to the kids, his arm extended ] I'm not gonna hurt you - we just want to film you. Come on, get in the van.. we're gonna make movies..

[ an angry Father rushes and out and grabs Adam by the collar ]

Angry Father: What did you say?!

Adam McKay: Nothing! I just want them to go in my van, so I can film them talking about Bush!

[ Angry Father shoves Adam to the ground and proceeds to beat the crap out of him ]

[ cut back to Adam safe in the back of his van, face bloodied up ]

Adam McKay: Well, there you have it - there's still passion in this country for the electoral process. So, guess what?

[ Angry Father and others appear running after the van from behind ]

Angry Father: Get out of our neighborhood, you pervert!!

Adam McKay: Mr. Pundit doctor experts, don't give up on Lady Liberty yet. Reporting from Life, I'm Adam McKay. Back to you, Jimmy and Tina.

Jimmy Fallon: Something to think about there.

Donna Hanover, the estranged wife of New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani, made her debut in the play "The Vagina Monologues" this week, in which she talks about orgasms and lesbian sex. In response, the Mayor has already made plans to have Hanover torn down and replaced with a Disney Store.

Tina Fey: Last week, in a segment we call "Movie Minute", Jimmy gave an unfavorable review to the movie "Meet The Parents", starring Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro.

Jimmy Fallon: I did, that's right. And I'm gonna stand by my review.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah? Good. Because here with a review of Jimmy's Review, is Robert DeNiro.

[ Jimmy turns pale and tries not to laugh as DeNiro takes the seat next to him ]

Robert DeNiro: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. [ to Jimmy ] So.. what did you say about my movie?

Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling ] I just said that basically it's you just saying, [ imitating DeNiro ] "You're gonna meet me! We're gonna meet! Meet the Parents! You're gonna meet me! We're gonna meet!"

Robert DeNiro: That's not what I do.

Jimmy Fallon: [ imitating ] Yes, you do!

Robert DeNiro: That's not what I do.

Jimmy Fallon: [ imitating ] Yes, you do-o-o!

Robert DeNiro: [ rough ] Jimmy! I said, that's not what I do!

Jimmy Fallon: [ pause ] Little bit? [ pause ] Tina..?

Tina Fey: Uh.. you are on your own!

Jimmy Fallon: I.. I thought that..

Robert DeNiro: [ grabs Jimmy's arm ] You think too much. [ pause ] So.. you gonna meet me? Is that what I do?

Jimmy Fallon: [ shaking head ] No, Sir.. that's not what you do..

Tina Fey: Well, that's the news. I'm Tina Fey..

Robert DeNiro: [ imitating Jimmy ] "And I'm Jimmy Fallon!"

Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow.

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