00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

Charlize Theron's Monologue

.....Charlize Theron
.....Tracy Morgan

Charlize Theron: Thank you! I'm delighted to be here in New York, hosting the show. I actually wasn't even born in the United States - I was born and raised in South Africa. But I live here now!

Tracy Morgan: [ standing amongst the audience ] Oh, Boo! Boo? You serious?

Charlize Theron: Yes.. Sir.. you have a question?

Tracy Morgan: No, I'm not a Sir. I'm Tracy Morgan, I'm on the show.

Charlize Theron: Oh, really?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I didn't have much to do this week, so I skipped the practices. You live here, but you were born in Africa?

Charlize Theron: Yes, that's right.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. so you're an African-American?

Charlize Theron: [ contemplating ] Wow..! I guess I am! I.. I.. I never thought of it that way..

Tracy Morgan: [ steps on stage ] Well, you better start thinking about it that way!

Charlize Theron: You're right. People always think I'm Swedish or German.. but I'm African-American, you're right!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, we have to stick together, because this business is rough!

Charlize Theron: You're right.

Tracy Morgan: Hell, yeah, I'm right! So, I saw you in that new movie with Will Smith.

Charlize Theron: Yeah, "The Legend of Bagger Vance". It's me, and Will, and Matt Damon.

Tracy Morgan: I don't know him.

Charlize Theron: But you know Will Smith?

Tracy Morgan: Not personally.. but I hang out with DJ Jazzy Jeff's crew. You know Griffin Louie Trade? Man, that dude is hilarious! [ laughs ]

Charlize Theron: That's the guy with the iguana, right?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, man, that lizard is crazy! [ takes out a pack of cigarettes ] You want a Newport?

Charlize Theron: [ takes out her own pack of cigarettes ] That's okay. I got my Kools.

Tracy Morgan: Mmm. When I saw you in "Bagger Vance", I knew you was African-American, man. When I heard you talking during the movie..

Charlize Theron: I was in the movie.

Tracy Morgan: So was I. I was yelling at the screen: "Let Will Smith hit the ball, man! He's like Tiger Woods!"

Charlize Theron: So, did you like the movie?

Tracy Morgan: Uh.. we didn't get to see it all. They had kicked us out because they said a little trained lizard had bit a kid in the third aisle - but I didn't have nothin' to do with that! But we all know what the real reason was.

Charlize Theron: Because you're African-American.

Tracy Morgan: Oh.. you can relate. Damn! It's about time they let a sister host this show! And you're fine, too!

Charlize Theron: Thanks, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: [ peeks around back ] Your ass a little bony, but that's okay. Anyway, I'm gonna let y'all get on with your show - it's a big one, the election show. By the way, who you voting for?

Charlize Theron: Well, actually, because I was born in Africa, I can't vote.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. I can't, either. I got convicted of a felony. Anyway, I should let you do your thing. Stay strong, sister! You heard?

Charlize Theron: I heard. [ they clap fists before Tracy steps away ] We have a great show, Paul Simon is here, so stick around, we'll be right back!