A Message From The Vice-President Of The United States

Vice-President Al Gore.....Darrell Hammond

Vice-President Al Gore: Hi. I'm Al Gore. I've asked to speak with you tonight, because we are a nation in crisis. A crisis more serious than anything we have faced in our entire history. In the election held last Tuesday, I, and my running-mate Joe Lieberman, received a clear majority of the popular vote. However, according to our Constitution, it is not the popular vote, but that of the Electoral College which determines the winner. And I accept that, even though I won a majority of the vote. Now, many have argued that this may be unfair, in as much as I, the winner of the popular vote, could still lose this election in the Electoral College. But that is our system. And until that system changes, perhaps in the next election, or retroactively, for this one, I will abide by it. Even though, as I said, I won a clear majority of the popular vote.

But I'm not here tonight to talk about the popular vote that I won - although I did win it, I won a clear majority of it. My concern is with the state of Florida, and the outrageous voting irregularities which took place there. And it shows a clearly illegal ballot, used only in a heavily Democratic Palm Beach county, particularly in African-American and elderly Jewish communities. [ grabs the ballot for show ] In the opinion of most independent observers, this is the single most confusing, bewildering, incipherable document ever produced. To begin with, how do you know which side to vote on? [ holds it up on one side ] Is this right-side up? [ flips it over ] Or is this right-side up? The ballot dosn't say. And what's with all these confusing names? Bush. Gore. Buchanan. Nader. And confusing party affiliations. Democrat. Republican. Reform. Here's one called "Green". And here's more names. George. Patrick. Albert. John. John. There's two different Johns.. I mean, who on earth could figure this out. But to really understand how confusing this ballot is, you have to take a closer look. Here it is. [ close-up is shown ] Now, for the love of God, what are all these dots? And these arrows? If you look closely, you will see that tips of the arrow points to a dot.. but the shaft of the arrow points back to a name. So how do you vote? Do you circle a candidate's name? Do you underline it? Or do you write it on the arrow? Or underneath? Or maybe it's the dots. Do you write the candidate's name on the dots? They seem sort of small. Maybe just his initials. Or do you color in the dots? If so, in what color? Maybe you scratch the dots with the edge of a penny. Or lick the dots. Again, this ballot does not spell it out. I went to Harvard - I couldn't make heads or tails of this. [ puts ballot away ]

Just imagine what it was like for the most vulnerable residents of Palm Beach. [ holds up photo ] This is Esther Rosenthal. Esther Rosenthal is age 92, a Democrat all her life.. Esther left her nursing home Tuesday morning intending to vote for me! Totally bewildered by this ballot, she ended up voting for the Libertarian candidate, and switching her long-distance service to Sprint. [ holds up next photo ] Okay.. Sidney and Reesa Mandel, age 87 and 85, ate their ballot! [ holds up next photo ] While Rachel Goldensten, age 96, mailed hers to Barbra Streisand.

Now, once more, this ballot fiasco not only violated the rights of Palm Beach citizens, it may also have cost my ticket the state of Florida and given my opponent a majority in the Electoral College, even though the majority of the popular vote, for those of you just joining this program, went to me. So, how can this injustice be remedied? Clearly, the only one practical solution, as any fair-minded person would agree, is to have a revote among the African-American and elderly Jewish residents of Palm Beach county with a simple, clearly-readable ballots, printed in English, Hebrew and Ebonics. Let the people vote, and the chips fall where they may. Should I win the vote, even though it's impossible to predict.. that's fine. Should Governor Bush win - again, let's just say - so be it. I'll accept the judgment of the people of Florida and move on.. to challenge the vote totals in Tennessee.. Ohio.. Nevada.. Missouri.. New Hampshire.. New Mexico.. Arkansas.. and West Virginia. Also, Dick Cheney may not technically be a United States citizen. We're looking into that. Thank you, and God bless you.

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