Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
... Tina Fey
... Jimmy Fallon
Jeannie Darcy ... Molly Shannon
... Gwyneth Paltrow
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller
Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and
Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: And I'm Jimmy Fallon. And here
are tonight's top stories:
In Florida tonight, the hand count continues and
Republicans are accusing Democrats of changing the
rules. Among the types of ballots that will now be
counted for Gore: indented ballots, ballots left
completely blank, and ballots marked "Bush."
Tina Fey: Al Gore's offer Wednesday to resolve
the Florida election with a statewide hand recount was
rejected by George W. Bush, who said that such a count
would be, quote, "arbitrary and chaotic." Bush then
looked down and crossed two words off his vocabulary
The recount is now focused on what are called "chads,"
the little pieces of paper punched out of the ballots,
and "hanging chads," pieces that aren't quite punched
all the way through. When asked if officials should
consider hanging chads, George W. Bush responded,
"Yeah, let's hang him! Who is he? Let's do
Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, Al Gore
offered that if he wins the election, Al Gore, he said
he'll meet George W. at his home in Texas. To which
the Governor responded, "Sure. Come on by. I live in a
really big house, can't miss it, right on the corner
of Eat Me Avenue and Go Screw Yourself
Tina Fey: Earlier tonight, Michael Douglas
married Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Plaza Hotel here
in New York. The entertainment at the reception was
singer Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfect
choice because, like the bride, he is Welsh and, like
the groom, he is old and creepy.
Jimmy Fallon: Cereal maker General Mills is
opening its own amusement park this week with
attractions like the Lucky Charms Magical Forest, the
Wheaties Hall of Champions, and the Fiber One
And, now, I'd like to introduce a new segment on
Weekend Update: the Weekend Update Talent
Tina Fey: Wait a minute. Since when do we have
a "Talent Showcase"?
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I-I-I-I'm a stand-up, you
know, and I like to give a little bit back. So, uh,
I'd like you to meet a really great lady, she's a
kick-butt comedienne, Jeannie Darcy, ladies and
[Applause for Jeannie Darcy who stands before a fake
red brick wall, holds a microphone, and delivers her
monologue of lame jokes, very stiffly.]
Jeannie Darcy: Thank you. Hi, folks. I'm
Jeannie Darcy. Hey, is it me or is it cold enough to
hang meat in here? Don't get me started. I'm a little
cranky today. It must be PMS. Ladies, I get it so bad,
I don't have periods. I have exclamation points. Don't
get me started. Do not get me started.
Tina Fey: Jimmy! What is - what's up with this
Jimmy Fallon: Love her. She's, uh, I know her
from my building. Isn't she hilarious?
Jeannie Darcy: Who - ? Can I have a show of
hands for who likes to date in here? Okay. I'm very
picky. I have a specific type. Somebody who calls me
back. Don't get me started. My ex-boyfriend was way
too critical. The only thing he didn't put down in our
house was the toilet seat. Don't get me started. He
also wanted me to dress sexy all the time. Ladies, can
we talk about thongs? Who designed these things?
'Cause it wasn't a woman. Tina Fey, you're a woman.
You know what I'm talking about.
Tina Fey: Yeah. Leave me - leave me out of
Jeannie Darcy: Um, I know what you're talking
about, sister-friend. And - and what about
Jimmy Fallon: You know, Jeannie, you gotta -
you gotta go now but thank you. Awesome. Everyone
Jeannie Darcy: What's the matter, Jimmy? Have
you "Fallon" and you can't get up?
Tina Fey: Jeannie Darcy, everyone!
Jimmy Fallon: I still love her. I still love
Jeannie Darcy: Don't get me started. [cheers
Jimmy Fallon: See you in the laundry
Jeannie Darcy: Don't get me started.
Tina Fey: Send your tape to [?]
Jimmy Fallon: You were really funny. Really
good. [Jeannie exits]
Tina Fey: President Clinton visited Vietnam
this week and, to balance things out, John McCain got
high and made out with some British college
Jimmy Fallon: On Thursday, Hillary Clinton
arrived in Vietnam where she was greeted by adoring
crowds. She immediately bought a hut and declared her
candidacy for mayor of Hanoi.
Tina Fey: In a Time magazine article, Barbara
Bush was quoted as saying, "I was the mother of a
President for thirty minutes. I loved it." This came
as new information to many who thought she was the
mother of a President for four years. [Photo of
Barbara and husband George Bush]
Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been
all over the news this week. First, she set a deadline
for the recount, then she was overruled, now she has
been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida
votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much
attention since Spring Break '77. Look at her, she
looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated
on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's
another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called
"daytime." Check it out. Turn it up.
Now, here, with this week's Hollywood report is our
gossip man, Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina. [rubs his hands
together] Oooooh, it's been a juicy one! First up:
guess who Martha Stewart's cooking a special
Thanksgiving dinner for? Jimmy Fallon. [waves arms in
the air, expects to hear a swooshing sound effect
which arrives late] And who just bought a thirty
million dollar mansion in upstate New York? Rumor has
it: Jimmy Fallon. [waves arm to swoosh effect] Gwyneth
Paltrow's new movie "Bounce" opened in New York to
rave reviews. But who was Gwyneth seen ice skating
with in Central Park? Not Ben. Jimmy. Fallon. Sh! Sh!
[a little dance move, an arm wave, a swoosh]
Tina Fey: Jimmy, what are you talkin' about?
Mansions, Gwyneth Paltrow? That's not gossip. You're
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, in high school, they used
to call me "Jimmy Gossip." I know gossip, Tina, and
you're no gossip.
Tina Fey: Okay, you know, I need to talk to you
about this after the show 'cause you
Gwyneth Paltrow: Uh, Jimmy?
[Gwyneth Paltrow enters, wearing a sleeveless pink
shirt that reads JIMMY RULES, to cheers and applause,
Jimmy rises to greet her.]
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, hi. What are you doing
Gwyneth Paltrow: Sorry. I'm - I'm really sorry
to interrupt you guys but, um, I'm locked out of the
mansion with Martha Stewart, you know. I can't - I
can't find my keys anywhere.
Jimmy Fallon: Cutie!
Gwyneth Paltrow: I'm standing out there with
Jimmy Fallon: You were locked out? Were you
Gwyneth Paltrow: I was freezing.
Jimmy Fallon: Cutie! You were cold?
Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah. We were.
Jimmy Fallon: You should've checked under the
thing. I've got the keys under the doorway.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Give me your keys.
Jimmy Fallon: Awww, cutie! [gives her his
Gwyneth Paltrow: When are you coming
Jimmy Fallon: Like an hour or
Gwyneth Paltrow: All right. I miss you.
Jimmy Fallon: [they trade kisses] I love you. I
miss you. I love you. [they do some serious smooching
and Jimmy repeats "I love you" over and over before
they finally break]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay, bye. [exits to cheers
Jimmy Fallon: [sits at desk, gazing after
Gwyneth, absently throws it back to Tina who tries to
act nonchalant] Back to you.
Tina Fey: That was really, really--
Jimmy Fallon: Back to you, Tina.
Tina Fey: That was really gross, okay?
Jimmy Fallon: [still gazing off] Yeah, back to
Tina Fey: The daytime talk show "The View" has
reached an agreement-- Okay. [crowd and Tina still
laughing from previous bit, so Tina starts over] The
daytime talk show "The View" has reached an agreement
with Campbell's Soup in which the hosts of the show
will spontaneously mention Campbell's products in
every broadcast. Critics of the deal say this
commercial tie-in could undermine Barbara Walters'
journalistic integrity the same way oxidation can ruin
the finish on your deck chairs. That's why I use
Thompson's Water Seal. [holds up a container of
Thompson's Original Water Seal] Back to you, Jimmy.
Jimmy Fallon: USA Today reported this week that
an increasing number of young teens are engaging in
oral sex and experts blame it on the Clinton-Lewinsky
scandal. However, they never would have known about
the trend if kids weren't tattled on by a gang of
school of-- school yard little Linda Tripps. ...
[doctored photo of kid with Linda Tripp's head
superimposed on it] Look how cute she is.
Tina Fey: Funny picture!
Jimmy Fallon: [mumbling] Little jukebox. Little
Tina Fey: During an interview this week,
Macaulay Culkin said that he is still good friends
with Michael Jackson, saying, "I think we understand
each other in a way that most people can't understand
either of us." He then added, "Basically, we both
still wish I was nine."
Jimmy Fallon: China's state media reported this
week that a thirty-seven year-old Chinese man had his
damaged esophagus replaced with part of his own colon.
Earlier today, the man was quoted as saying, "Does
this taste funny to you?"
For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have
a pleasant tomorrow.