Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

... Tina Fey
... Jimmy Fallon
Jeannie Darcy ... Molly Shannon
... Gwyneth Paltrow

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey."

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I'm Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight's top stories:

In Florida tonight, the hand count continues and Republicans are accusing Democrats of changing the rules. Among the types of ballots that will now be counted for Gore: indented ballots, ballots left completely blank, and ballots marked "Bush."

Tina Fey: Al Gore's offer Wednesday to resolve the Florida election with a statewide hand recount was rejected by George W. Bush, who said that such a count would be, quote, "arbitrary and chaotic." Bush then looked down and crossed two words off his vocabulary worksheet.

The recount is now focused on what are called "chads," the little pieces of paper punched out of the ballots, and "hanging chads," pieces that aren't quite punched all the way through. When asked if officials should consider hanging chads, George W. Bush responded, "Yeah, let's hang him! Who is he? Let's do it."

Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, Al Gore offered that if he wins the election, Al Gore, he said he'll meet George W. at his home in Texas. To which the Governor responded, "Sure. Come on by. I live in a really big house, can't miss it, right on the corner of Eat Me Avenue and Go Screw Yourself Boulevard."

Tina Fey: Earlier tonight, Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Plaza Hotel here in New York. The entertainment at the reception was singer Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfect choice because, like the bride, he is Welsh and, like the groom, he is old and creepy.

Jimmy Fallon: Cereal maker General Mills is opening its own amusement park this week with attractions like the Lucky Charms Magical Forest, the Wheaties Hall of Champions, and the Fiber One restrooms.

And, now, I'd like to introduce a new segment on Weekend Update: the Weekend Update Talent Showcase.

Tina Fey: Wait a minute. Since when do we have a "Talent Showcase"?

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I-I-I-I'm a stand-up, you know, and I like to give a little bit back. So, uh, I'd like you to meet a really great lady, she's a kick-butt comedienne, Jeannie Darcy, ladies and gentlemen.

[Applause for Jeannie Darcy who stands before a fake red brick wall, holds a microphone, and delivers her monologue of lame jokes, very stiffly.]

Jeannie Darcy: Thank you. Hi, folks. I'm Jeannie Darcy. Hey, is it me or is it cold enough to hang meat in here? Don't get me started. I'm a little cranky today. It must be PMS. Ladies, I get it so bad, I don't have periods. I have exclamation points. Don't get me started. Do not get me started.

Tina Fey: Jimmy! What is - what's up with this lady?

Jimmy Fallon: Love her. She's, uh, I know her from my building. Isn't she hilarious?

Jeannie Darcy: Who - ? Can I have a show of hands for who likes to date in here? Okay. I'm very picky. I have a specific type. Somebody who calls me back. Don't get me started. My ex-boyfriend was way too critical. The only thing he didn't put down in our house was the toilet seat. Don't get me started. He also wanted me to dress sexy all the time. Ladies, can we talk about thongs? Who designed these things? 'Cause it wasn't a woman. Tina Fey, you're a woman. You know what I'm talking about.

Tina Fey: Yeah. Leave me - leave me out of this. Please.

Jeannie Darcy: Um, I know what you're talking about, sister-friend. And - and what about diets?

Jimmy Fallon: You know, Jeannie, you gotta - you gotta go now but thank you. Awesome. Everyone loves you.

Jeannie Darcy: What's the matter, Jimmy? Have you "Fallon" and you can't get up?

Tina Fey: Jeannie Darcy, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: I still love her. I still love her.

Jeannie Darcy: Don't get me started. [cheers and applause]

Jimmy Fallon: See you in the laundry room.

Jeannie Darcy: Don't get me started.

Tina Fey: Send your tape to [?]

Jimmy Fallon: You were really funny. Really good. [Jeannie exits]

Tina Fey: President Clinton visited Vietnam this week and, to balance things out, John McCain got high and made out with some British college girls.

Jimmy Fallon: On Thursday, Hillary Clinton arrived in Vietnam where she was greeted by adoring crowds. She immediately bought a hut and declared her candidacy for mayor of Hanoi.

Tina Fey: In a Time magazine article, Barbara Bush was quoted as saying, "I was the mother of a President for thirty minutes. I loved it." This came as new information to many who thought she was the mother of a President for four years. [Photo of Barbara and husband George Bush]

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been all over the news this week. First, she set a deadline for the recount, then she was overruled, now she has been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much attention since Spring Break '77. Look at her, she looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called "daytime." Check it out. Turn it up.

Now, here, with this week's Hollywood report is our gossip man, Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina. [rubs his hands together] Oooooh, it's been a juicy one! First up: guess who Martha Stewart's cooking a special Thanksgiving dinner for? Jimmy Fallon. [waves arms in the air, expects to hear a swooshing sound effect which arrives late] And who just bought a thirty million dollar mansion in upstate New York? Rumor has it: Jimmy Fallon. [waves arm to swoosh effect] Gwyneth Paltrow's new movie "Bounce" opened in New York to rave reviews. But who was Gwyneth seen ice skating with in Central Park? Not Ben. Jimmy. Fallon. Sh! Sh! [a little dance move, an arm wave, a swoosh]

Tina Fey: Jimmy, what are you talkin' about? Mansions, Gwyneth Paltrow? That's not gossip. You're just lying.

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, in high school, they used to call me "Jimmy Gossip." I know gossip, Tina, and you're no gossip.

Tina Fey: Okay, you know, I need to talk to you about this after the show 'cause you continue--

Gwyneth Paltrow: Uh, Jimmy?

[Gwyneth Paltrow enters, wearing a sleeveless pink shirt that reads JIMMY RULES, to cheers and applause, Jimmy rises to greet her.]

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, hi. What are you doing here?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sorry. I'm - I'm really sorry to interrupt you guys but, um, I'm locked out of the mansion with Martha Stewart, you know. I can't - I can't find my keys anywhere.

Jimmy Fallon: Cutie!

Gwyneth Paltrow: I'm standing out there with the turkey.

Jimmy Fallon: You were locked out? Were you freezing?

Gwyneth Paltrow: I was freezing.

Jimmy Fallon: Cutie! You were cold?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah. We were.

Jimmy Fallon: You should've checked under the thing. I've got the keys under the doorway.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Give me your keys.

Jimmy Fallon: Awww, cutie! [gives her his keys]

Gwyneth Paltrow: When are you coming home?

Jimmy Fallon: Like an hour or something.

Gwyneth Paltrow: All right. I miss you.

Jimmy Fallon: [they trade kisses] I love you. I miss you. I love you. [they do some serious smooching and Jimmy repeats "I love you" over and over before they finally break]

Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay, bye. [exits to cheers and applause]

Jimmy Fallon: [sits at desk, gazing after Gwyneth, absently throws it back to Tina who tries to act nonchalant] Back to you.

Tina Fey: That was really, really--

Jimmy Fallon: Back to you, Tina.

Tina Fey: That was really gross, okay?

Jimmy Fallon: [still gazing off] Yeah, back to you.

Tina Fey: The daytime talk show "The View" has reached an agreement-- Okay. [crowd and Tina still laughing from previous bit, so Tina starts over] The daytime talk show "The View" has reached an agreement with Campbell's Soup in which the hosts of the show will spontaneously mention Campbell's products in every broadcast. Critics of the deal say this commercial tie-in could undermine Barbara Walters' journalistic integrity the same way oxidation can ruin the finish on your deck chairs. That's why I use Thompson's Water Seal. [holds up a container of Thompson's Original Water Seal] Back to you, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: USA Today reported this week that an increasing number of young teens are engaging in oral sex and experts blame it on the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal. However, they never would have known about the trend if kids weren't tattled on by a gang of school of-- school yard little Linda Tripps. ... [doctored photo of kid with Linda Tripp's head superimposed on it] Look how cute she is.

Tina Fey: Funny picture!

Jimmy Fallon: [mumbling] Little jukebox. Little girl.

Tina Fey: During an interview this week, Macaulay Culkin said that he is still good friends with Michael Jackson, saying, "I think we understand each other in a way that most people can't understand either of us." He then added, "Basically, we both still wish I was nine."

Jimmy Fallon: China's state media reported this week that a thirty-seven year-old Chinese man had his damaged esophagus replaced with part of his own colon. Earlier today, the man was quoted as saying, "Does this taste funny to you?"

For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted Anonymously

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