Katherine Harris.....Ana Gasteyer
Jeb Bush.....Val Kilmer
George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
Al Gore.....Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw.....Chris Parnell
Announcer: When life is uncertain, and results are unclear.. then you
must be in Palm Beach..
[ cue title graphic, dissolve to George W, Al, Katherine Harris, Jeb, and
Florida Supreme Court, dissolve back to title graphic over image of George
W. laughing behind Al's back ]
[ open on Katherine Harris fixing herself a drink ]
Katherine Harris: Well, Jeb, with the Supreme Court's ruling to stop
the recount, Al Gore is finally finished. It's everything I've worked for.
Jeb Bush: And what about us, Katherine?
Katherine Harris: Us? [ laughs ] You silly boy! There never was
any "us". What happened in the skybox at the Dolphins game was.. just a
fling. I'm gonna be an ambassador! Do you think I'd jeopardize my career
for some beurocrat named "Jeb"? Ha!
Jeb Bush: It meant more to us than that. [ kisses Katherine ]
Katherine Harris: Stop, you'll ruin my makeup.
Jeb Bush: Damn you, Katherine! Why.. I have half a mind to
give your job back to Nikki Cox.
Katherine Harris: So go ahead. [ pause ] I didn't think so. Always
the conservative, aren't you, Jeb?
George W. Bush: [ stumbles into the room ] Hey, hey, it's me, hey..
Uh, Jeb.. the computer's doing that thing again. Can you fix it for me, so I
can finish my game of Tetris?
Jeb Bush: Of course, Georgie. [ to Katherine ] Even presidents need
their computers. [ exits room ]
George W. Bush: Hey, Katherine. I've been thinking about my cabinet.
Who do you think would make a better Secretary of the Interior - Nolan Ryan
or The Rock?
Katherine Harris: [ sits him down on the couch ] You're thinking too
hard, George. [ massages his shoulders ] You look.. tense.
George W. Bush: Heck, I just can't wait 'til all this President junk
is over next week.. so I can go back to hunting and executing.
Katherine Harris: Next week? You know you have to President for
George W. Bush: [ angry ] What?! [ stands ] That blows!
I'm gonna kill Dick Cheney! He told me it was like winning a fishing
contest - you win a trophy, you take your picture, and you're done!
Katherine Harris: Don't worry - it'll go by fast, with me by
Katherine Harris' Thoughts: You've got him right where you want him,
Katherine. [ laughs ]
George W. Bush's Thoughts: The Rock is stronger. But Nolan Ryan's wise.
Presidenting is hard!
[ Katherine and George W. lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted by the
arrival of Al Gore ]
Al Gore: Hello, George W.! Hello, Katherine!
Katherine Harris: Al! I thought you were dead.
Al Gore: I'm Al Gore. I just appear to be that way.
George W. Bush: [ angry ] Hey, Al! I saw you on TV today! You
interrupted the "Rugrats"!
Al Gore: That's right, George W. I was accusing you of circumventing
the Democratic process in the name of personal ambition.
George W. Bush: [ laughs ] You said "circumventing"!
Al Gore: [ pours himself a drink ] Ms. Harris, isn't it inappropriate
for you to be here?
Katherine Harris: Guess what, Al? I'm always gonna be here.
Everywhere you turn, this face will be staring at you! [ smiles wickedly ]
I'm gonna crush you!
Al Gore: Damn you, Woman! Not in front of the boy!
George W. Bush: [ sobbing ] Why are you yelling?! Be friends!
Katherine Harris: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Justice
Scalia for cocktails at the Viscayne Club. [ exits ]
Al Gore: [ sighs, and walks towards George W. ] She's a real piece
George W. Bush: Yeah. She's a "circumvent"! [ laughs ] Right?
Jeb Bush: [ re-enters ] Hey, guys. Dick Cheney just had another
George W. Bush: [ panics ] No-o-o! He promised he wouldn't!
First, Poppy with the hip replacement, now this! Where are all the
grown-ups? [ runs into the corner and cries ]
[ Al and Jeb sit on the couch ]
Al Gore: Jeb, let me ask you something. You seem to care a lot about
this country. When you saw your brother actually had a chance of winning,
were you ever tempted to tell everyone how he's.. well, you know.. "special"?
Jeb Bush: Shh.. I tried.. but believe me - the more people that learned
about his disability, the more popular he became.. like Tom Arnold.
Al Gore: You're a good man, Jeb.
Jeb Bush: Only by comparison. [ points to George W. in the corner ]
[ suddenly, Tom Brokaw enters the room ]
Tom Brokaw: Hello, Jeb. Hello, Al.
Jeb Bush: Tom! Tom Brokaw!
Al Gore: [ stands ] What are you doing here?
Tom Brokaw: Well, it was just announced that the Supreme Court will
hear arguments Monday afternoon. And Sandra Day O'Conner is pregnant.. with
James Baker's baby.
[ close-up of Al's tightened, worried face ]
[ close-up of confused Jeb ]
[ close-up of George W. playing with a ball of yarn like a cat ]
God bless us all!
Al Gore: It's this town! It's.. it's evil.. it's.. [ singing ]
[ fade to title graphic ]
Announcer: And so it goes, in the city called.. "Palm Beach".
[ fade ]