Palm Beach

Katherine Harris.....Ana Gasteyer
Jeb Bush.....Val Kilmer
George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
Al Gore.....Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw.....Chris Parnell



Announcer: When life is uncertain, and results are unclear.. then you must be in Palm Beach..

[ cue title graphic, dissolve to George W, Al, Katherine Harris, Jeb, and Florida Supreme Court, dissolve back to title graphic over image of George W. laughing behind Al's back ]

[ open on Katherine Harris fixing herself a drink ]

Katherine Harris: Well, Jeb, with the Supreme Court's ruling to stop the recount, Al Gore is finally finished. It's everything I've worked for.

Jeb Bush: And what about us, Katherine?

Katherine Harris: Us? [ laughs ] You silly boy! There never was any "us". What happened in the skybox at the Dolphins game was.. just a fling. I'm gonna be an ambassador! Do you think I'd jeopardize my career for some beurocrat named "Jeb"? Ha!

Jeb Bush: It meant more to us than that. [ kisses Katherine ]

Katherine Harris: Stop, you'll ruin my makeup.

Jeb Bush: Damn you, Katherine! Why.. I have half a mind to give your job back to Nikki Cox.

Katherine Harris: So go ahead. [ pause ] I didn't think so. Always the conservative, aren't you, Jeb?

George W. Bush: [ stumbles into the room ] Hey, hey, it's me, hey.. Uh, Jeb.. the computer's doing that thing again. Can you fix it for me, so I can finish my game of Tetris?

Jeb Bush: Of course, Georgie. [ to Katherine ] Even presidents need their computers. [ exits room ]

George W. Bush: Hey, Katherine. I've been thinking about my cabinet. Who do you think would make a better Secretary of the Interior - Nolan Ryan or The Rock?

Katherine Harris: [ sits him down on the couch ] You're thinking too hard, George. [ massages his shoulders ] You look.. tense.

George W. Bush: Heck, I just can't wait 'til all this President junk is over next week.. so I can go back to hunting and executing.

Katherine Harris: Next week? You know you have to President for four years.

George W. Bush: [ angry ] What?! [ stands ] That blows! I'm gonna kill Dick Cheney! He told me it was like winning a fishing contest - you win a trophy, you take your picture, and you're done!

Katherine Harris: Don't worry - it'll go by fast, with me by yuor side.

Katherine Harris' Thoughts: You've got him right where you want him, Katherine. [ laughs ]

George W. Bush's Thoughts: The Rock is stronger. But Nolan Ryan's wise. Presidenting is hard!

[ Katherine and George W. lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted by the arrival of Al Gore ]

Al Gore: Hello, George W.! Hello, Katherine!

Katherine Harris: Al! I thought you were dead.

Al Gore: I'm Al Gore. I just appear to be that way.

George W. Bush: [ angry ] Hey, Al! I saw you on TV today! You interrupted the "Rugrats"!

Al Gore: That's right, George W. I was accusing you of circumventing the Democratic process in the name of personal ambition.

George W. Bush: [ laughs ] You said "circumventing"!

Al Gore: [ pours himself a drink ] Ms. Harris, isn't it inappropriate for you to be here?

Katherine Harris: Guess what, Al? I'm always gonna be here. Everywhere you turn, this face will be staring at you! [ smiles wickedly ] I'm gonna crush you!

Al Gore: Damn you, Woman! Not in front of the boy!

George W. Bush: [ sobbing ] Why are you yelling?! Be friends!

Katherine Harris: Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Justice Scalia for cocktails at the Viscayne Club. [ exits ]

Al Gore: [ sighs, and walks towards George W. ] She's a real piece of work.

George W. Bush: Yeah. She's a "circumvent"! [ laughs ] Right?

Jeb Bush: [ re-enters ] Hey, guys. Dick Cheney just had another heart attack..

George W. Bush: [ panics ] No-o-o! He promised he wouldn't! First, Poppy with the hip replacement, now this! Where are all the grown-ups? [ runs into the corner and cries ]

[ Al and Jeb sit on the couch ]

Al Gore: Jeb, let me ask you something. You seem to care a lot about this country. When you saw your brother actually had a chance of winning, were you ever tempted to tell everyone how he's.. well, you know.. "special"?

Jeb Bush: Shh.. I tried.. but believe me - the more people that learned about his disability, the more popular he became.. like Tom Arnold.

Al Gore: You're a good man, Jeb.

Jeb Bush: Only by comparison. [ points to George W. in the corner ]

[ suddenly, Tom Brokaw enters the room ]

Tom Brokaw: Hello, Jeb. Hello, Al.

Jeb Bush: Tom! Tom Brokaw!

Al Gore: [ stands ] What are you doing here?

Tom Brokaw: Well, it was just announced that the Supreme Court will hear arguments Monday afternoon. And Sandra Day O'Conner is pregnant.. with James Baker's baby.

[ close-up of Al's tightened, worried face ]

[ close-up of confused Jeb ]

[ close-up of George W. playing with a ball of yarn like a cat ]

God bless us all!

Al Gore: It's this town! It's.. it's evil.. it's.. [ singing ] "Palm Bea-each"!

[ fade to title graphic ]

Announcer: And so it goes, in the city called.. "Palm Beach".

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts