Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Jesse Jackson.....Darrell Hammond
Al Sharpton.....Jerry Minor



Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much! I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. And, let's begin with a recap of election news from the last twenty-four hours. Yesterday afternoon in a surprising decision, the Florida Supreme Court ruled in favor of Al Gore, calling for an immediate hand recount. This victory for Gore is regarded as the most shocking and ludicrous comeback since Bobby Ewing walked out of the shower on "Dallas".

Jimmy Fallon: It's like a WWF Smackdown plot. You know the guy's all beat up - he's down for the count, George Bush is talking about his transition team, and then all of a sudden you see Al Gore's eyebrow go up - "Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?" Gore grabs a folding chair, whole new ball game.

Tina Fey: Then, around 4:30 p.m., Judge N. Sanders Sauls recuses himself of any further proceedings and George W. Bush recuses himself in his pants.

Jimmy Fallon: Then around 5:30, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch burst into flames.

Tina Fey: So now we're up to today. At eight o'clock this morning, the hand recounts start up again, then the Circuit Court rejects Bush's appeal, the Prime Minister of Israel resigns, no one notices, then this afternoon the U.S. Supreme Court got all up in it and stopped the recount. In light of these events, America is cancelled. Citizens are asked to choose between Canada and Mexico by 4 p.m. tomorrow.

On "Meet the Press" last Sunday, Dick Cheney warned that "We may be on the edge of a recession." Governor Bush has since asked his running mate, "If it's warm enough, can we have recession outside?"

Former President George Bush Sr. had his left hip replaced this week. The surgery was needed to relieve all the pain from the weeks of kicking his son Jeb in the ass.

During an interview this week on "60 Minutes", Al Gore denied that he was angry about the election, saying, "Anger? What would be the point of feeling that way?" Adding, "Seriously. Tell me. I am fascinated by your human emotions."


Tina Fey: And now, here with a new segment called "I Have An Opinion", is our own, Jimmy Fallon.

[ trumpet fanfare ]

Jimmy Fallon: I have an opinion! I keep hearing people say, "Aren't you sick of the whole election thing? Don't you want it to end?" No. No, I don't want it to end. This is the coolest thing ever! With the court cases, the protest, all the twists and turns, "Stop the count!" "We already stopped the count." "Yeah? Well, stop it again!" The tension, the excitement, the emotions, people - it kicks ass! Disenfrancised voters! Oh, yeah, I said it! And I know what it means, too! Yeah, I'm watching CNN now, because I want to! Because I have opinions! Decision 2000, that's what they call it. Not "The Election". You know why? Because it's a TV show. It's "Survivor". It's "Millionaire". It's "The Real World" - the Boston one. You hear that, America? For the first time ever, politics are exciting! And I want more! I am not an animal - I'm a human being. And I have an opinion! I also think "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" is a really cool movie. I Have An Opinion!

Benjamin Harrison Holcomb, the world's oldest man, died this week at the age of 111. Doctors say the official cause of death was "cracking in half".

University of Minnesota researchers said this week that the drug Naltrexone could be used to curb a kleptomaniac's impulse to steal. Although the drug is not covered by most HMOs, doctors say kleptomaniacs should have no problem obtaining it.

Dr. Frank J. Orland, the man who discovered the relationship between bacteria and tooth decay, passed away last week, at the age of 83. His memorial service was attended by 4 out of 5 dentists.

President Clinton Thursday granted a reprieve to federal inmate Juan Raul Garza, thereby postponing Garza's execution until next year, when it will be given to George W. Bush as a housewarming gift.

New Scientist Magazine reported this week that in the future, cars could be powered by hazel nuts. Thatís encouraging, considering an 8-ounce jar of hazel nuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and fabrache eggs.


Tina Fey: Among all the other problems with this year's election, there have also been allegations of discrimination and intimidation of black voters. Here to comment, are Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

Jesse Jackson: Tonight.. we pause and give thanks.. and praise to God.. for being good enough to allow us to petition the United States Supreme Court.. to count the vote, and not the clock.

Al Sharpton: Tell them, Jesse!

Jesse Jackson: I take this position: the thesis, antithesis, creatosynthesis, the critical mass of mutual survival.

Al Sharpton: We have an egregious situation! These allegations of a voter intimidation have forced us to start litigation, 'cause George Bush is trying to win this election over prestidigitation.

Jesse Jackson: That was good.

Al Sharpton: Thank you.

Jesse Jackson: But I will keep focus on our message.

Al Sharpton: This election was ambushed, bushwhacked, and a Gore in the hand is worth more than a Bush in the Oval Office. Push Bush into the bush!

Jesse Jackson: I will keep focus on my message. As a face of America - red, yellow, black and white..

Al Sharpton: Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike! If I love the girl, who cares who you like? Cool it now!

Together: [ singing ] "Oooh, watch out! You're gonna lose control!"

Jesse Jackson: But I digress.. Dick Cheney - big ol' butt; one Denny's Grand Slam away from dead. Let's make sense. Now, Mr. Bush has appealed to the highest court in the land. Next Tuesday night, we will march on the steps of the courthouse, and when Katherine Harris come out.. look like Dracula..

Al Sharpton: We will go upside Dracula's head!

Jesse Jackson: Tuesday, and we will continue into Wednesday, if that is what it takes.

Al Sharpton: We will march into Thursday, if necessary. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday!

Jesse Jackson: We may have lost this battle, but the war is not over! Wherever you are tonight, you can make it!

Al Sharpton: [ singing ] "The NBA.. is in the house.."

Jesse Jackson: Hold your head high, stick your chest out. You can make it! It gets dark sometimes, but the morning comes! We must never surrender! America will get better and better and better! Keep hope alive! Keep hope alive! Keep hope alive!

Tina Fey: The Reverand Jackson and Al Sharpton, everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: With "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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