Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 7

00g: Val Kilmer / U2

Veronica & Co.

Veronica Kilvere.....Molly Shannon
Dr.Marshall Reames.....Val Kilmer
Jeannie Fukal.....Ana Gasteyer
Kevin Aquarius.....Chris Parnell

[Opens with logo of Veronica & Co. on the wall. Techno music plays. Veronica is standing on the catwalk wears a fashionable black dress, the stage behind her has her guests sitting in their chairs, the audience surrounds the catwalk]

Veronica Kilvere:[foreign accent] Hi, you guys! I'm Veronica Kilvere, European supermodel and this is my show, "Veronica and Company" It's a show....[Audience applauds]Thank you so much. Thank you. It's a show about people and issues and people talking about these issues. So let's get started. Today my guests are Dr. Marshall Reames from Women's Health Clinic[dumb blonde, dumb smile]Jeannie Fukal, which is famous for her cookies[frumpy, nerdy looking woman]and a funny silver robot man from Times Squares which is named Kevin Aquarius.[Man in all tight silver outfit, silver painted face makes robot-like military salute]He's hysterical! OK, let's crank this baby up and get started![Techno music plays, she struts down the catwalk, poses, goes back and joins his guests, she sits]I love my show!! So, who wants to talk first on my show "Veronica and Company"?

Jeannie Fukal: Uh, well I could talk about my modeling career but I don't have one.[Giggles]So I'll just talk about my cookies.

Veronica Kilvere: OK.

Jeannie Fukal: OK, these are my dark-chocolate mud bars, OK?[Shows plate with cookies]And these won me the Duncan Hines Bake Off.[Shows crappy trophy in the shape of an oven mitt holding a batter utensil]They won me these trophy and $4,000.[Veronica and Jeannie giggle intensely]

Veronica Kilvere: I feel so lucky because all I have to do is put on a bikini, be the bomb and I'm making something which is like hundreds of thousands of dollars![Cracks herself up]Which is awesome!!

Jeannie Fukal: Well, you must need a very big coin purse.[Giggles]

Veronica Kilvere: Definitely![More hard laughs]So, who else would like to ask question or say something on my show?

[Dumb blonde all giddy]

Dr. Marshall Reames: I will.

Veronica Kilvere: OK![Giggles]

Dr. Marshall Reames: You're so funny! You're so g.d. hilarious! I love this woman![claps]

Veronica Kilvere: Dr. Reames, tell us about Women's Clinic which you founded.

Dr. Marshall Reames: You're doing a bit, right? That's hilarious! That's great![laughs]

Veronica Kilvere: No, seriously doctor. I want to know about you're job.

Dr. Marshall Reames:[serious]I'm not a doctor. I'm an actor.[laughs]You're so....[confused look on Veronica]Yeah, its the series, you know "Gideons Crossing". I play a ladies doctor and then you know, in real life I play doctor with the ladies.

Veronica Kilvere: Oh, my God![laughs]I can't believe this because I thought you were a real doctor because you have exam table in your apartment![They both laugh]

Dr. Marshall Reames: I checked her out! She's really healthy![laughs hard]

Veronica Kilvere: Why do want to be fake doctor?[Dumb blonde is confused, can't believe the question] Why do you want to be fake doctor?

Dr. Marshall Reames: Seriously? Well, I'm an actor, so like if I play a gynecologist, so if I tell women that I am like a gynecologist sometimes, like you, they believe me.

Veronica Kilvere: And believe me they do. Because he has stirrups and everything![laughs hard]

Dr. Marshall Reames: What can I say? Acting is my gig![happy as can be]

Veronica Kilvere: Doctor, I like acting too. I did a part in a movie and the line goes like this, uh, "Hey Carlos, we will seat here all day until you admit that you swallowed a condom of cocaine".

Jeannie Fukal: Oh, wow!

Dr. Marshall Reames: That's amazing![claps]

Veronica Kilvere: Thank you.[little bow;laughs]And now to top it off on my show "Veronica and Company" the amazing silver robot which is Kevin Aquarius from Times Squares[Kevin makes victory sign]Kevin show us why you deserve quarter in a cup.

[Dance music plays. Kevin does very good robotic dance moves]

Veronica Kilvere: I love this!

Jeannie Fukal: How does he do that?

Veronica Kilvere: I love it. It's great. So great.[music stops]Wooooo!!!

[Kevin bows, everyone applauds]

Veronica Kilvere: Oh, he's awesome!, he's awesome!

Jeannie Fukal: Wow!

Veronica Kilvere: Here, Kevin Aquarius have a cookie please?[gives Kevin cookie from Jeanie's plate; Kevin eats it]Oh, my gosh! Kevin, do you have anything else to say on my show?

[Kevin is seriously choking, pulls out little card from his sleeve, gives it to Veronica]

Veronica Kilvere: What? Oh, my gosh! I'll take a look.[reads little card]"This food contains peanuts. I have severe nut allergy. Please call a doctor"[laughs]Well, luckily we have doctor in the house![laughs]

Dr. Marshall Reames: No, you don't.[concerned laugh]

Veronica Kilvere: Oh, that's right! I don't. OK, well that's the end of our show, you guys! Thank you so much for joining here on "Veronica & Company" Join me next week when my guest will talk about subjects which are politics, how to buy purse, and at least 15 other things on "Veronica and Company". Let's work it till the cows come home, you guys. Veronica.

[Techno music plays. Veronica struts down the catwalk, poses. Jeannie dances badly, dumb blonde just stares with dumb grin on his face, Kevin is still choking, grabs his neck]

[Veronica & Co. logo]

[Cheers and Applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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