The Culps

Principal.....Jerry Minor
Marty Culp.....Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp.....Ana Gasteyer



Principal: Martin Luther King said the best way for a person to change is through nonviolent means, and that's why I choose not to hunt down and beat the person who wrote "crap nut" on the globe in my office! SO not funny! You're so mistaken if you think that's funny! Okay, and now, a treat from the music department.

[Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp enter]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. [microphone gives off feedback] Test. Whoops. We got a real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Check, check.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Got a real, real hot mic.

Marty Culp: Could we adjust the audio balance?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Could we adjust the audio? And the treble, actually. And the -

Marty Culp: And the bass. All three.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Can we - can we adjust the treble and the bass? Nothing's up to par today.

Marty Culp: Nothing. Well, good afternoon.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yeah.

Marty Culp: What a special mandatory celebration of the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I'm Mr. Marty Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I'm Ms. Bobbi Mohan-Culp. And as you know, we do head up the music department here at Alta Dena. So, hello again.

Marty Culp: Seems like only yesterday when Bobbi and I were driving to Washington in our VW Bus to join thousands of people in their march against racial discrimination.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It truly is a powerful memory. It really is. I think what I dug the most was the unity vibe. I was really grooving on with my brothers and sisters. It really was groovy.

Marty Culp: And what I think I dug the least was the 600 dollars we ended up paying in parking fines for mistakenly parking on the lawn of the Library of Congress. It really, really was a bummer.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Kind of tough. We blamed one another for not seeing the "No Parking" sign and really ripped into each other on the way home.

Marty Culp: Yeah.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It would be the only time in our relationship that I openly mocked Marty for being prematurely bald.

Marty Culp: It's true. I retaliated, however, with a list of names for my wife, including Stink Pits and Cottage Cheese Ass.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yes. Yeah, it was tough.

Marty Culp: I'm not proud of it.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No. We learned that day just how terrible it feels to be shamed for who you are on the outside.

Marty Culp: In the end, we were being just a couple of judgmental honkies, pretty much.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We really were. Can we try to harness some of this rowdy energy? The diving and the jumping off the backs of chairs.

Marty Culp: Can we do that?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: This is not a Limp Bisquick concert.

Marty Culp: No. No, it's not. I'm Mr. Culp, not Fred Dilst up here. So knock off the marshing.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Okay, this is not the placeā€¦ it's not the place to be form a mush pit. It's not the place.

Marty Culp: No marshing.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: So, so no marshing. No marshing.

Marty Culp: It's a "No Moosh Pit Zone". I think it's time for everyone to be still for a moment and reflect on the past.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yes, yes. You know, whether it be 1963 or 2001, the spirit of the Civil Rights Movement does live on right here.

Marty Culp: So sit down, sit in, and join our musical march straight to the top of mountain funk. 1, 2, 3, 4... [starts playing piano] Chuga-chuga...

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga...

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga...

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: "Come and ride the train!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Come and ride it!"

Marty Culp: "Freedom!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Come and ride it!"

Both: "Come and ride the train, come ride it!"

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga...

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga!

[piano plays music to Sly and the Family Stone's "Everyday People"]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "I am everyday people!"

Marty Culp: "There is a blue one that can't accept the green one,
for living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one..."

Both: "Different strokes for different folks,
and so on and so forth and Scooby Dooby Doo!"

[music changes to Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music"]

Both: "And they were dancing and singing and moving to the grooving,
and just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted..."

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Play that funky music..."

Marty Culp: "White boy..."

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Play that funky music..."

Marty Culp: "White..."

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Play that funky music..."

Marty Culp: "White boy..."

Both: "Lay down the boogie and play that funky music 'til you die!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "'Til you die! Whoa, 'til you die!"

[music changes to DMX's "Party Up"]

Both: "Y'all gonna make me lose my mind,
Up in here, up in here!
Y'all gonna make me go all out,
Up in here, up in here!
Y'all gonna make me act like a fool,
Up in here, up in here!
Y'all gonna make me lose my cool,
Up in here, up in here!"

[tempo slows down and goes into Marvin Gaye's "What's Goin' On"]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Ooooooh..."

Marty Culp: Hey, brother man. Hey, brother man, word out on the street is that it's 2001 and we're still not in a colorblind world.

Both: "Mother, mother,
There's too many of you crying,
Oh, brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying..."

Marty Culp: "You know we've got to find a way..."

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "To bring some lovin' here today!
What's goin' on?"

Marty Culp: "What's goin' on?"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "What's goin' on?"

Marty Culp: "What's goin' on?"

Both: "What's goin' on?"

[music changes to Nine Days' "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)"]

Both: "This is the story of Dr. King,
The cat who tried to do his own thing,
We're reminded of him every year,
We absolutely love him
Bank holiday!"

[music changes to Creed's "Higher"]

"Can you take me higher,
to a place where blind men see?
Can you take me higher,
to a place with golden streets?
He had a dream!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Thank you, Dr. King.


Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!


SNL Transcripts