Charlie Sheen's Monologue

.....Charlie Sheen
Woman #1 In Audience.....Paula Pell
Man #1 In Audience.....
.....Tracy Morgan
Man #2 In Audience.....Steve Higgins
Man #3 In Audience.....Dennis McNicholas
Woman #2 In Audience.....Meredeith Walker



Charlie Sheen: Thank you very much, thank you! It's great to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live". I'm excited, because I joined the cast of "Spin City" this year. Thank you. It was amazing to get the role, 'cause, you know, I've lived a pretty wild life, with the drinking, and the hookers, and the drugs.. and the hookers.. I'm not proud of what I did, but I don't mind talking about my experiences if they can help somebody, you know? So, if anyone has any questions.. [ acknowledges audience member ] Yes. You.

Woman #1 In Audience: Hey, Charlie. If I was a hooker, how much could I charge?

Charlie Sheen: [ bothered by the question ] Pardon me?

Woman #1 In Audience: Just a ballpark figure - and I won't do any of the kinky stuff, either. What do you think?

Charlie Sheen: I don't know.. $100, maybe?

Woman #1 In Audience: Really? Wow! Thank you!

Charlie Sheen: You're welcome. [ points to man in audience ] Yes. You.

Man #1 In Audience: Hey, Chas-man. How much do you think I could get for this bag of weed? [ holds it up ]

Charlie Sheen: Well.. uh.. actually, I don't know.. I never really smoked that much weed..

Man #1 In Audience: That's cool.. uh.. how about, uh.. this bag? [ pulls out bag of cocaine ]

Charlie Sheen: [ looks carefully ] $1200.

[ Tracy Morgan approaches Man #1 and makes his purchase ]

Charlie Sheen: Anyone else?

Man #2 In Audience: Hey, Charlie Sheen!

Charlie Sheen: Uh, yes, your question?

Man #2 In Audience: Yeah, I saw that garbageman movie you made with your brother.

Charlie Sheen: You mean, "Men At Work"?

Man #2 In Audience: You tell me. Did you make another garbageman movie with your brother?

Charlie Sheen: Uh, no, I didn't.. just "Men At Work".. [ takes out his wallet ] Did you see it at night, or during the day?

Man #2 In Audience: Night.

Charlie Sheen: You probably had a date, bought some popcorn - looking at you, it's probably a big tub.. [ hands him some money ] Here you go.. [ Man #2 takes the money ] Like I said, I'm not proud of my past. [ hand is raised ] Yes?

Man #3 In Audience: Uh.. would you see if that woman who asked the first question would, uh.. take, like.. say, $70?

Charlie Sheen: No, no.. you can't bargain with a hooker..

Woman #1 In Audience: $70! Sold to the dapper young gentlemen over there!

Man #3 In Audience: Swee-ee-eet!

Charlie Sheen: Okay, I have time for one more question - preferably a question that doesn't pertain to drugs, or hookers, or "Men At Work".. [ hand is raised ] uh.. yes, ma'am.

Woman #2 In Audience: I enjoy your father's work on the TV show "West Wing". Do you think you'd like to play the part of the president someday?

Charlie Sheen: Thank you for the question, but I could never be the president.. I mean, think about it - I've abused cocaine, I've been arrested, I'm not a very smart guy.. I mean, it's a big joke to think people would want someone like me, just because his dad was president.. [ audience applauds the comparison to George W. Bush ] Alright, we've got a great show tonight, Nelly Furtado is here. Stick around, we'll be right back!


SNL Transcripts