Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Katherine Harris.....Ana Gasteyer
.....Charlie Sheen
.....Chris Kattan
Marta Mercado.....Maya Rudolph

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

Future First Lady Laura Bush will wear a red-scoop-neck embroidered Chantilly lace gown to next week's Inaugural Ball. It will take three women 100 hours to complete the gown. Coincidentally, the three women are all former houseguests of Linda Chavez.

President Clinton will be moving out of the White House next week and when he does, he is expected to be the first president in history to not get his security deposit back.

It was announced this week that Ricky Martin will perform at the Lincoln Memorial as part of President Bush's inauguration. Apparently, Mr. Bush's first step in restoring the dignity of the presidency is having a soap star sing "She Bangs" at the foot of the Great Emancipation.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, unfortunately, Florida's Secretary of State Katherine Harris' fifteen minutes of fame are quite up. On Thursday, she was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on "20/20", and yesterday she testified in front of the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights. Here now, with a special and hopefully final message from all of us, is Katherine Harris.

Katherine Harris: Thank you, Jimmy. I appreciate this opportunity. The past months have been a difficult and trying time for me. Particularly irksome have been the unwarranted and sexist criticism of my appearance, my make-up, my clothing. These attacks have forced me to tone down my make-up to such an extent, that I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Well, tonight, I would like to take a moment to respond to those who have criticized me. First off - Paul Begala, co-host of MSNBC's "Equal Time", who referred to me as "Cruella De Vil". This guy looks like someone skinned Kermit the Frog. Then there's Jay Leno. Good Lord! He needs a funhouse mirror to shave! And here's Bill Maher. He actually agrees with me that attacking a person's appearance is inappropriate. No wonder - look at him! His head looks like someone left an apple on a radiator!

Tina Fey: Okay, Katherine, that's enough..

Katherine Harris: You know what, Tina? Joan Jett called. She wants her haircut back.

Tina Fey: Oh, that's just mean.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no. That's actually pretty cool! Keep going!

Katherine Harris: You know what, Jimmy? Cheech called..

Jimmy Fallon: No, no! Please, that's enough! Katherine Harris, everybody! Cheech?

Tina Fey: Cheech Marin? You look like Pee-Wee Herman!

This week, for the first time, president Clinton publicly described the way he plans to accomplish peace in the middle East: Magic!

One of the stars of the original "Survivor", the ex-Navy Seal and admitted homophobe Rudy, will be made into a 12 inch action figure. You pull its string and it says, "Don't pull my string, fag!"

Scientists this week announced they have spliced the DNA of a jellyfish into a Rhesus monkey causing the monkey protein to glow green in the dark. Read all about it in this month's New England Journal of Evil.

Tina Fey: This week, President Clinton rolled his farewell tour into New York City's Madison Square Garden. Here with a review is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina! It was awesome, what a show! First off, I got front row seats, everyone's psyched.. they're hitting their Whitewater beach balls around, everyone's doing the Bent Penis Wave.. passing joints - nobody's inhaling. The lights go out, lasers, smoke machines, spotlight, then.. Bam! Bill Clinton. He's wearing the President suit, he's does the thumb - he never does the thumb first off, so the place goes nuts! He opens up with "A Place Called Hope", then launches into a 20-minute version of "I Did Not Have Sexual Relations". Everyone goes wild! Then they do the Hillary part - you know, people start going to the bathroom. Second half: he's got the sax, he does the instrumental version of the Impeachment. Everyone's got their lighters out, people are throwing cigars. Then they retire the stained dress up in the rafters next to Willis Reed's journal. Pandemonium! Three-and-a-half hours, Tina! Not since he toured with the Rolling Stones in '92 has he ever been this good. I am totally going to see him closing night in D.C.

Earlier this week, Steve Geary, an English man who has been blind for two decades, threw a perfect game of darts - at least that's what we're telling him.

Tina Fey: According to published reports, Michael Douglas' prenuptial agreement with Katherine Zeta-Jones features a $5 million penalty if she discovers the actor's been unfaithful. In an interesting side note, the last person to pay that much for extracurricular sexual relations is this man.

Charlie Sheen: [ pops up behind desk ] Hi! [ exits ]

Tina Fey: Earlier this week, Prince Charles injured his shoulder after falling off his horse. Here now with a Terrible Re-enactment of that event, is our own Chris Kattan.

Chris Kattan: [ trotting on stick horse, trips and falls down ] Oh-oh-oh! My shoulder! [ stands up, bows, walks off ]

Tina Fey: That was really horrible!

Jimmy Fallon: Chris Kattan, everybody.

Earlier this week, M-TV shut down its programming to broadcast the names of hundreds of victims of hate crimes. This moving tribute was followed by Eminem's "I'm Going to Kill You Bitch" weekend.

The Chinese pandas, T-ven T-ven and May Shang, made their official United States debut this week at the National Zoo in Washington. Zoo officials say the pandas are getting along well, although their relationship will really be put to the test in February when they spend a week on "Temptation Island".

Tina Fey: Earlier this week, Linda Chavez withdrew as George W. Bush's Labor Secretary nominee, amid reports that she housed an illegal immigrant named Marta Mercado. Although Chavez claims Mercado was a houseguest, Mercado did receive money and perform chores. Here now with her side of the story, is Marta Mercado.

Marta Mercado: Thank you, the Tina Fey, you are so kind to having me as your guest on the "Weekend Update!" So, you want, I will start with the floor, or do I scrub the desk first?

Tina Fey: Oh, no.. Marta, that's not necessary.

Marta Mercado: What, what? But I am a guest. I brought my suitcase. [ places mop bucket on desk ] Would you like, I start with the big map? [ points to wall behind her ]

Tina Fey: Okay, in a second.. Now, you said you were not an employee of Ms. Chavez?

Marta Mercado: No. Ms. Tina Fey, we were framed. And she was such a good friend to me. She lended me the money, and she bought me these beautiful clothes.. not this sweater, but this.. [ removes sweater, revealing waitress outfit with name tag ] ..and she even put-a my name on it, so I always remembered my beautiful face!

Tina Fey: So, you lived as a guest in Linda Chavez's house?

Marta Mercado: Jes.. well.. I live in the guest house, with the beautiful pool toys, and the paint cans, and, how do you say? What is the word? The car. I sleep next to the car.

Tina Fey: But did she know that you were in the country illegally?

Marta Mercado: Mmm.. [ thinking ] Jes. I think she may have.. because often she would say to me, "You filthy illegal, I take cream in my coffee!" So, maybe she knew this. But, jes, I think that no matter what it is, she would make a great Secretary of the Labor!

Tina Fey: She dropped out, Marta.

Marta Mercado: Yes. That's probably for the best.

Tina Fey: Marta Mercado, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: With "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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