Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy

Charlie.....Charlie Sheen
Fleisy.....Rachel Dratch



Announcer: And now, the Saturday Night Live preservation Society presents Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy.

[ Charlie and Fleisy take the stage ]

Charlie: Hello, Fleisy, how are you?

Fleisy: I'm doing alright!

Charlie: Good. Now, Fleisy, you're a whore, aren't you?

Fleisy: Yeah! [ spotlight shines upon her crotch ]

Charlie: Well, I was thinking maybe I'd like to patronize some of the whores who work on your corner.

Fleisy: Well, I gotta warn you, nowadays whores have very peculiar names.

Charlie: Funny names?

Fleisy: Nicknames. Example: on the corner where I work, Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don't Know takes it in the kiester.

Charlie: That's what I want to find out.

Fleisy: I told you! Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don't Know takes it in the kiester.

Charlie: Do you know the whore's name?

Fleisy: Hell, yeah!

Charlie: Well, then, who does oral?

Fleisy: That's right!

Charlie: The whore that does oral.

Fleisy: Who.

Charlie: I'm asking you.

Fleisy: And I'm telling you.

Charlie: Look, what's the name of the whore that does oral?

Fleisy: No! What uses her hand.

Charlie: I'm not asking you who uses her hand.

Fleisy: Who does oral.

Charlie: I don't know.

Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester!

Charlie: Look, after I get oral, who gets the money?

Fleisy: Every dollar of it.

Charlie: Who does?

Fleisy: That's right. And why not? The bitch deserves it!

Charlie: Who deserves it?

Fleisy: Naturally.

Charlie: Okay. So Naturally does oral?

Fleisy: No, no, no. Who does oral.

Charlie: Naturally?

Fleisy: You got it!

Charlie: So.. Naturally does oral?

Fleisy: No. Who does oral.

Charlie: Look, what's the name of the whore that does oral?

Fleisy: No, What uses her hand!

Charlie: I don't know.

Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester.

Charlie: Again, I'm back to the kiester. Okay, when I get oral, who makes me climax?

Fleisy: She'd better!

Charlie: Who'd better?

Fleisy: If she wants to get paid!

Charlie: If who wants to get paid?

Fleisy: That's right!

Charlie: [ thinking ] Look.. do you have a pimp?

Fleisy: Of course! A fine bunch of whores we'd be without a pimp!

Charlie: The pimp's name?

Fleisy: Why.

Charlie: I just thought I'd ask you.

Fleisy: And I just thought I'd tell you.

Charlie: Then, tell me who's the pimp.

Fleisy: No, Who does oral.

Charlie: I don't know.

Together: She takes it in the kiester!

Charlie: Okay, look. Let's say I want to have an orgy. Who's doing oral, what's using her hand, and I don't know takes it in the kiester. Now, when it's all over, why comes in to collect the money.

Fleisy: That's the first thing you've said right!

Charlie: I don't even know what I'm talking about! And, you know what? I don't give a damn!

Fleisy: Oh, he's my crack dealer!

[ they bow, the curtains close ]


SNL Transcripts