Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11





00k: Jennifer Lopez

MTV Cribs

Britanica.....Maya Rudolph
Jonette.....Ana Gasteyer
Lady Speed Stick.....Jennifer Lopez

(MTV Cribs bumper shown)

Announcer: Welcome to MTV Cribs, the show that lets you hop the fence and sneak a peek at the homes of your favorite stars. This week we head to Manhattan to drop in on the hottest new R&B trio, Gemini’s Twin!

(Cut to the twins inside their apartment. Their song, ‘No Whack Whack’ plays in the background)

Jonette: Wassup MTV!

Britanica: Welcome to the beautiful home of the ladies of Gemini’s Twin in downtown…

All: Man-Hatt-An!

Jonette: Okay, so today, we’re gonna give you a tour. Kick back and chill, cause we ‘bout it, ‘bout it.

Britanica: Now you all have probably noticed that yet again, we have a new mem-ber!

Jonette: MTV, give it up for our resident mistress of rhyme, Lady Speed Stick!

Lady Speed Stick: Cause Lady Speed Stick controls the funk 24-7 hours a dizz-ay!

Britanica: Alright, so let’s begin the tour. So…basically this is it.…

Lady Speed Stick: Yeah, it’s little, but it’s where we fiddle, y’all.

All: Mmm-Hmm.

Britanica: Yeah, it’s real small, cause see, because we are trying to overcome our monetary deficiencies, and watch ourselves from a financial perspective.

Jonette: Word. That’s also cause we broke like TLC.

Lady Speed Stick: Or Hammer. You saw Behind the Music?

Jonette: Yes, I did.

Britanica: We got a lot of overhead, like our designer wardrobes, hairdos…

Jonette: Facials, salt water aquarium…

Lady Speed Stick: Karate, pilates, looking for hotties…

All: Mmm-hmm.

Jonette: Also, my dialect coach.

Britanica: Word, cause she from Scars-dale, but she’s real sweet on the inside.

All: (singing in ’harmony’) Sco-o-o-ottsd-a-a-a-le!

Britanica: White Girl!

Jonette: Okay, this is our living room, and it’s real special to us because it’s also the bedroom.

Britanica: See, the couch folds out into a bed.

Lady Speed Stick: Yeah. And you can sleep on it, too.

(Pan over to the minibar, which has various souvenirs on top of it)

Britanica: Right over here, y’all, is the minibar, and also where we do our makeup, and where we display our collection from our worldwide European tour!

(Jonette holds up a piggy bank)

Jonette: Okay, this is a pig and a bank also, and it’s from Spain. You put coins in it; it’s real cool.

(Lady Speed Stick holds up a Russian stacking doll)

Lady Speed Stick: This right here is a Russian doll from China…that has other dolls inside her. (opens it to reveal the other dolls inside) It’s a trick.

Britanica: Word, we also got fragrance and Merit ultra lights from Duty Free in Italy.

Jonette: We got Duty Free y’all!

All: (chanting) Duty-duty duty-free What! Duty-duty duty free Ha-ey!

(Pan over to the intercom)

Britanica: Ooh! Check it out y’all, we got an intercom…

Jonette: We got intercoms, y’all! This is where we chop it up with all the delivery guys, yo!

Lady Speed Stick: (talking to the intercom) Yo, wassup Little Caesar! Haha!

Britanica: Pizza Pizza! Okay, now it’s time for one of our fav-or-ite areas – the kitchenette!

Jonette: Yeah, cause Gemini’s Twin like to eat FOOD!

All: WHAT, WHAT!

Britanica: Let’s see what’s in the refrigerator, yo. Open sesame!

Jonette: (singing the tune to “Kung Fu Fighting”) Da-na-na-na na nuh-na-na-na!

(The fridge is opened, the various food items inside are shown)

Jonette: Okay, we got lots of nutritious foods cause we like to eat balanced.

Britanica: Yeah, like here’s some Kraft Singles, fish sticks, goober grape peanut butter with the jelly mixed in.

Jonette: We got cat food, gummy worms, orange soda, Arm & Hammer box to keep it fresh.

Lady Speed Stick: Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Bacos, string cheese, Fruit Roll-Ups…

Jonette: Ooh, this is my favorite from my house growin’ up; this sundried tomato spread from Williams Sonoma!

All: (singing in ’harmony’) Williams Son-o-maaaa!

Lady Speed Stick: White People Food!

(closes fridge, pan over to a large, colourful painting)

Britanica: Check it out – up here is our most prized possession of all, y’all. It’s a painting of the Gemini symbol.

Lady Speed Stick: It’s very colourful and dramatized.

Britanica: Cause see, it’s where we get our inspiration, horoscopically.

Jonette: Because zodiologically speaking, the twins also remind us that we are three very powerful women.

Britanica: Word! A’ight y’all, before we go, we made up a little song for you, Gemini style. So why don’t we kick it?

(music starts)

Britanica & Jonette: (singing)

You’ll call up my nana and Carson Daly
Cause we cold getting’ down on MTV
You came to our crib, you see we got class
Cause we more ‘bout it ‘bout it than those fools on jackass
Jackass, jackass, jackass, jackass!

Lady Speed Stick: (rapping)

Check, Check one!
I’m gonna get to the intros mighty quick
Johnette, Britanica and Lady Speed Stick
We are the Twins of Gemini
And we co-habitate on the Lower East Side
Lower East Side, you chilled and you kicked it
But the fun is over cause you’re getting evicted

All:
Scoot it out now, we just playin’, MTV!
Scoot it out now, we love you MTV!
Scoot it out now, bye MTV!

(door closes)

(MTV Cribs bumper shown)

(fade)


Submitted by: Ann*e Hussey


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