00k: Jennifer Lopez
Jeannie Darcy....Molly Shannon
Grieving daughter....Ana Gasteyer
Orderlies....Jerry Minor, Chris Parnell
(Opens with a helicopter view of The Medical Center,
cut to an elderly ward. Old folks in wheelchairs and
Nurse: OK, you guys. Listen up! You're in for a treat
today because St. Joseph's Hospital has organized a
little surprise for the elderly ward. We're gonna have
a young woman come out here and entertain us
all.(reads from a piece of paper) Uh, you can
currently catch her at Boner's. Now please welcome the
stand-up comedy stylings of miss Jeannie
(Two guys put up a fake brick wall in the middle of
the room then leave. Jeannie with a mannish blue suit
jogs into the room, stands with her back to the fake
brick wall, mic on hand)
Jeannie Darcy:(over rehearsed tone of voice) Hi folks!
I'm Jeannie Darcy. Hey, this will be a lot of fun. I
never thought of going to a retirement home to get a
date. I thought the only thing guys take out here are
their teeth. Don't get me started.(A woman cries for
her sick mother, nurse observes)I'm getting pretty
desperate. I'm suffering from PMMS. "Please Marry Me
Somebody" Don't get me started! Don't even get me
started!( Shot of two old folks nodding off in their
wheelchairs)But, uh, I don't know, I'm just glad I
have my cats. I can really relate to them. I'm always
burying all my crap too. Or so my therapist says.
Don't get me started. (shot of bubbling I.V.)Hey, can
I ask you guys a question? Who here is on a date?
(Shot of old lady, puzzled look on her face)It's so
hard to date in the 90's, isn't it ladies? When I
first read about safe sex I thought, "Oh great! More
equipment" Are you with me? (Shot of old lady out like
a bulb, facing the ceiling)Have you ever notice what
babies men can be when they get a cold? If they had to
have children, painkillers would be in gumball
machines. Don't get me started.(Shot of flat line, two
orderlies come into the room) You know, I'm kind of
afraid of labor pains. I don't know why. I should be
used to it because I've spent the last 3 years pushing
to get my ex-husband out. (Orderlies cover up the body
of old lady)"Congratulations Ms. Darcy. It's a jerk!"
234 pounds and 6 ounces.(Orderlies wheel out the dead
old lady, one orderly throws a dirty look at Jeannie,
she just continues her routine)Somebody cut the
cord.....to his TV set. Don't get me started! And what
about stretch marks? My ex-husband developed a bad
case of stretch marks....on his wallet! Don't get me
started! Don't even get me started!
Nurse: Ms. Darcy, um, maybe now its not the best time.
Do you want to take a break?
Jeannie Darcy:(ignores the nurse)And ladies, how good
are vibrators? The only thing that could make them
better is if they took out the trash. Help me out
here, sister girlfriend!(Grieving daughter sobs)My
vibrator's got 2 speeds. On and...on. Don't get me
started! Don't even get me started!
Nurse: I really think you should stop, miss Darcy.
Jeannie Darcy: (looks at her, continues routine)You
know one thing that bugs me? (Molly cracks up, tries
hard to recover)You know one thing that bugs me? Men
who pee on the seat. Arrrrg! Don't get me started!
Don't even get me started!
(Sobbing uncontrollably, gets up to Jeannie)
Grieving daughter: Please, stop this! I just lost my mother!
Jeannie Darcy: Hey! I remember my first beer too!
Don't get me started!(Grieving daughter leaves,
Jeannie continues her routine)Well, you guys are great
and thanks for cheering me up. I've been a little
depressed since my boob job got laid off. Don't get me
started! Don't even get me started!(Shot of old guy
sleeping, gasps, exhales)I'm Jeannie Darcy and don't
get me started.
Nurse: Well, um, miss Darcy I'm so sorry about what happened.
Jeannie Darcy: Oh, why? I thought it went pretty good.
Nurse: But that woman, she died right in front of you.
Jeannie Darcy: Oh, I've had much worse shows than
that. I thought the vibrator stuff went pretty good
though. But I guess I won't know for sure till I get
home and plow through this micro cassette.(Takes out a
mini recorder from her pocket)I have over 470 hours of
me telling jokes on this micro cassettes so I guess I
sort of have my work cut out for me. So, its been a pleasure.
(Shake hands with nurse)
(Jeannie leaves, stops, returns)
Jeannie Darcy: By the way, if a gorgeous, sexy guy
with a great body stops in, he's probably gay. Don't
get me started! Don't even get me started!
(Jeannie finally leaves, little jumps backwards,
exits. Nurse attends to old guy)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel