Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

Jeannie Darcy

Jeannie Darcy....Molly Shannon
Nurse....Rachel Dratch
Grieving daughter....Ana Gasteyer
Orderlies....Jerry Minor, Chris Parnell

(Opens with a helicopter view of The Medical Center, cut to an elderly ward. Old folks in wheelchairs and in bed)

Nurse: OK, you guys. Listen up! You're in for a treat today because St. Joseph's Hospital has organized a little surprise for the elderly ward. We're gonna have a young woman come out here and entertain us all.(reads from a piece of paper) Uh, you can currently catch her at Boner's. Now please welcome the stand-up comedy stylings of miss Jeannie Darcy.(Applauds)

(Two guys put up a fake brick wall in the middle of the room then leave. Jeannie with a mannish blue suit jogs into the room, stands with her back to the fake brick wall, mic on hand)

Jeannie Darcy:(over rehearsed tone of voice) Hi folks! I'm Jeannie Darcy. Hey, this will be a lot of fun. I never thought of going to a retirement home to get a date. I thought the only thing guys take out here are their teeth. Don't get me started.(A woman cries for her sick mother, nurse observes)I'm getting pretty desperate. I'm suffering from PMMS. "Please Marry Me Somebody" Don't get me started! Don't even get me started!( Shot of two old folks nodding off in their wheelchairs)But, uh, I don't know, I'm just glad I have my cats. I can really relate to them. I'm always burying all my crap too. Or so my therapist says. Don't get me started. (shot of bubbling I.V.)Hey, can I ask you guys a question? Who here is on a date? (Shot of old lady, puzzled look on her face)It's so hard to date in the 90's, isn't it ladies? When I first read about safe sex I thought, "Oh great! More equipment" Are you with me? (Shot of old lady out like a bulb, facing the ceiling)Have you ever notice what babies men can be when they get a cold? If they had to have children, painkillers would be in gumball machines. Don't get me started.(Shot of flat line, two orderlies come into the room) You know, I'm kind of afraid of labor pains. I don't know why. I should be used to it because I've spent the last 3 years pushing to get my ex-husband out. (Orderlies cover up the body of old lady)"Congratulations Ms. Darcy. It's a jerk!" 234 pounds and 6 ounces.(Orderlies wheel out the dead old lady, one orderly throws a dirty look at Jeannie, she just continues her routine)Somebody cut the his TV set. Don't get me started! And what about stretch marks? My ex-husband developed a bad case of stretch marks....on his wallet! Don't get me started! Don't even get me started!

Nurse: Ms. Darcy, um, maybe now its not the best time. Do you want to take a break?

Jeannie Darcy:(ignores the nurse)And ladies, how good are vibrators? The only thing that could make them better is if they took out the trash. Help me out here, sister girlfriend!(Grieving daughter sobs)My vibrator's got 2 speeds. On and...on. Don't get me started! Don't even get me started!

Nurse: I really think you should stop, miss Darcy.

Jeannie Darcy: (looks at her, continues routine)You know one thing that bugs me? (Molly cracks up, tries hard to recover)You know one thing that bugs me? Men who pee on the seat. Arrrrg! Don't get me started! Don't even get me started!

(Sobbing uncontrollably, gets up to Jeannie)

Grieving daughter: Please, stop this! I just lost my mother!

Jeannie Darcy: Hey! I remember my first beer too! Don't get me started!(Grieving daughter leaves, Jeannie continues her routine)Well, you guys are great and thanks for cheering me up. I've been a little depressed since my boob job got laid off. Don't get me started! Don't even get me started!(Shot of old guy sleeping, gasps, exhales)I'm Jeannie Darcy and don't get me started.

Nurse: Well, um, miss Darcy I'm so sorry about what happened.

Jeannie Darcy: Oh, why? I thought it went pretty good.

Nurse: But that woman, she died right in front of you.

Jeannie Darcy: Oh, I've had much worse shows than that. I thought the vibrator stuff went pretty good though. But I guess I won't know for sure till I get home and plow through this micro cassette.(Takes out a mini recorder from her pocket)I have over 470 hours of me telling jokes on this micro cassettes so I guess I sort of have my work cut out for me. So, its been a pleasure.

(Shake hands with nurse)

Nurse: OK.

(Jeannie leaves, stops, returns)

Jeannie Darcy: By the way, if a gorgeous, sexy guy with a great body stops in, he's probably gay. Don't get me started! Don't even get me started!

(Jeannie finally leaves, little jumps backwards, exits. Nurse attends to old guy)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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