Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

J. Lo vs. Mango

.....Jennifer Lopez
Director.....Will Ferrell
Dancer.....Chris Parnell
Mango.....Chris Kattan
Director's Assistant.....Darrell Hammond
Mango Backup Singer #1.....Jerry Minor
Mango Backup Singer #2.....Horatio Sanz
Aretha Franklin.....Tracy Morgan
Celine Dion.....Ana Gasteyer
Diana Ross.....Maya Rudolph
Shania Twain.....Molly Shannon

[Jennifer Lopez is on a bed, singing "My Love Don't Cost a Thing" while a dancer is dancing on the bed beside her.]

Jennifer Lopez: Think I wanna drive your Benz, I don't
If I wanna floss I got my own
Even if you were broke
My love don't cost a thing

[stops singing]

Cut, cut!

Director: Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, what's going on here? What's the problem?

Jennifer Lopez: It's this dancer! He's awful.

Dancer: Awful . . . or great?

Director: Awful! Now get out of here! I know every casting director in town! You'll never work in this business again! Sorry about that, Jenny. He's my son. Listen, I think I've got just the guy for you, he's got his act at a wonderful little strip club called "Beef Cakes," a male strip club. I went there by mistake, a long story, okay? But anyway, I just fell in love with him. Come on out here, Mango!

[Mango enters, wearing the usual pink shirt and gold shorts, with a pink jacket and pink hat.]

Mango: Hi everybody! Sorry I'm late, I was just getting acupuncture on my hoo-hah!

Director: Mango, Mango, listen, listen. We don't have a lot of time, okay?

Mango: Okay.

Director: Can you do this for me?

Mango: Yes.

Director: Can you?

Mango: Mm-hmm.

Director: Okay? Be good?

Mango: Mm-hmm.

Director: Okay. All right. All right, everybody! Let's have places! Let's have places and let's settle. And let's action!

[The song plays again, while Mango shakes it, jumps up onto the bed, and gyrates on J-Lo's head and shoulder.]

Director's Assistant: This guy is good! He's making love to the camera!

[Mango music pots up as Mango stares at the camera waving his hands around in the normal fashion.]

Jennifer Lopez: Cut, cut, cut! Cut the tape! What the hell is going on here?

Everybody: Mango . . . Mango . . .

Director: Mango, you're incredible! We've got to get you in a recording studio! You're going to be bigger than Jennifer Lopez!

Jennifer Lopez: Hey!

Mango: Sorry. I guess a star is born!

Jennifer Lopez: What about my video?

[SUPER: The next day. We're outside the Street Sounds Recording Studio. Mango is in a recording booth with two backup singers dressed exactly like him.]

Mango: [rapping]
Mango's he and he's here to say:
Get out of here, I'm going downtown!
Go to a store, so let's rock it now!
Hey, get out of here!

Mango Backup Singers: [singing]
Every breath you take . . .
Every move you make . . .

Mango: Hey, rock it now!

Mango Backup Singers: Every vibe you break,
Every clam you steak,
I'll be watching you!

Mango: Don't make a mess!

Mango Backup Singer #1: That was amazing . . .

Mango: Please don't, don't talk to the talent. Okay, please? Don't do that. [He drinks chamomile.] Oh God! This tastes like crapomile, this chamomile!

Director: Mango, Mango, you just made some history. This is a hit record, I can feel it, okay? We're going to get you on everything: TRL, Storytellers, Diva Live.

Mango: Diva Live?

Director: Yes!

[Jennifer Lopez enters.]

Director: Oh, hey, Jennifer, hey. Listen, I'm sorry. We're going to have to cancel your recording session. Mango went a little long.

Jennifer Lopez: What?

Mango: Sorry sweet cheeks, but divas can't be rushed.

Jennifer Lopez: You are no diva.

Mango: Oh, yeah? Well, we'll see who the real diva is when all the divas get together and perform for other divas on a program called "Divas Live!"

Jennifer Lopez:
Yeah? I'm gonna kick your diva ass!

Mango: Oh, bring it on, J-Ho!

Jennifer Lopez: WHAT? [Tries to fight Mango, but the director prevents them.]

[Music plays, as we see shots of the city and limousines. SUPER: Night of Divas 2001. Mango is in a limo, dressed totally in pink with a cowboy hat, pants, and a big furry feather boa wrapped around him, with two women drinking wine. Madonna is singing the backup-vocals.]

Madonna's voice: Mango
Makes the people
Come together
Makes the bourgeois scene
And the rebel
Hey Mr. DJ
Put a record on
I wanna dance with my baby
Makes the people
Come together
Makes the bourgeois scene
And the rebel. . .

[Mango throws up as the scene ends.]

[Jennifer Lopez is in a dressing room, as Mango enters it.]

Mango: Yes, I know. [sees J-Lo] Oh, what a surprise!

Jennifer Lopez: Hello, Mango.

Mango: [mimicking her] Hello, J-Lo. Well, I guess they put us in the same dressing room.

Jennifer Lopez: Really? Is that what you're wearing tonight? [They take off their fur coats, showing Jennifer Lopez with a denim-type open shirt and pants, mostly backless. Mango is wearing the same thing, but with shorts instead of pants.]

Mango: Yes. How embarrassing for you.

Jennifer Lopez: I see you're still shopping in the women's section.

Mango: Oh, what the frick? This is a man's cut! Why does everybody think I'm the homo-gay? Oh, why, why, why, why? Maybe I know why. Why?

Jennifer Lopez: Look, you little bitch, you better watch it! You get in J-Lo's way and you're gonna pay!

[Dreamy music starts to play.]

Mango: Can you pay a rainbow to be less beautiful?

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, can you piss off a Puerto Rican and live to tell about it?

Mango: Can you talk to the hand for a second here?

Jennifer Lopez: Can you eat food through a tube after I cutchu?

Mango: Can you cut food with a tube after I eat you?

Together: No! Such is Mango/J-Lo!

Jennifer Lopez: Slut!

Mango: Whore!

Jennifer Lopez: Skank!

Mango: Tramp!

Jennifer Lopez: Fruit!

Mango: Oh! Why you . . .

[Mango and J-Lo start slapping and fighting each other, causing Mango to rip out some of Jennifer's hair.]

Mango: Oh, I broke a nail! Psyche!

[Jennifer twists his ear, pinches his chest, and shoves him into a table, causing a mirror behind it to break and flowers and fruit to fly all over the floor.]

Jennifer Lopez: Sorry!

Mango: I'm okay. Don't worry about it. Yeah, I'm okay.

[Mango puts her into a headlock and jumps back. The both of them fall onto a table and crush it.]

Mango: Oh, hey! Is that Pashmina?

Jennifer Lopez: No, it's Cashmira.

Mango: Oh, it's really nice.

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you.

Mango: This is a - this is -

[Jennifer hits Mango in the stomach and both of them grab each other with one hand and try to slap each other on the ass with the other.]

[Aretha Franklin is seen singing on Divas Live 2001.]

Aretha Franklin: "We're going riding on a freeway of love
In a pink cadillac!

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Well, our next diva is . . .

[Jennifer and Mango roll in on the floor, fighting, as Diana Ross, Celine Dion, and Shania Twain run in, shouting and trying to pull them apart.]

Aretha Franklin: Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Us divas got to stick together!

["You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin starts playing.]

Mango: Aretha's right. I'm sorry, J-Lo.

Celine Dion and Diana Ross: Ah-oo!

Jennifer Lopez: No, Mango. I'm the one who's sorry. You deserve all your success.

Aretha Franklin and Shania Twain: Ah-oo!

Mango: You know what? I think we're going to become good friends. You know why?

Celine Dion, Diana Ross, Aretha Franklin, and Shania Twain: Ah-oo!

Jennifer Lopez: Why?

Mango: I'll tell you why. Just a second.
"Cause you make me feel . . .

Jennifer Lopez: "You make me feel . . .

Mango: "Cause you make me feel like a natural Mango . . .

Jennifer Lopez: "J-Lo . . .

Mango: "Mango . . .

Jennifer Lopez:
"J-Lo . . .

Mango: "Mango . . .

Jennifer Lopez: "J-Lo . . .

Mango: MANGO!

Jennifer Lopez: J-LOOOO!

[Mango and J-Lo start fighting again and the four divas try to stop them as the scene fades out.]

Submitted by: LeadCrow90

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