Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11






00k: Jennifer Lopez

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Wilson the Volleyball.....Will Ferrell
.....Tom Hanks
Rasheed Jenkins.....Jerry Minor
.....Tracy Morgan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

Wednesday, Bill and Hillary Clinton returned some twenty-eight thousand dollars worth of furniture that they took with them when they left the White House. The ex-President stressed that the dollar amount was actually much lower, as many of the items were "stained."

It was announced this week that Elton John and Eminem will perform a duet at this month's Grammy Awards. When asked if he felt conflicted about working with the obviously gay performer, Elton John said, "I don't have a problem with it."

A Pennsylvania woman who has been convicted for shoplifting has been sentenced to wear a badge that reads "Convicted Shoplifter". However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing!"

Tina Fey: The movie "Castaway" continues to cruise along at the box office, and wow audiences with the tour-de-force performance of its star. He's one of America's favorite actors, and we're very, very lucky to have him here tonight. Please welcome, the star of "Castaway", Wilson the Volleyball.

Wilson the Volleyball: Hey, hey, hey! How do you do! Hey, I love you New York, give yourself a nice round of applause! [ audience applauds ] I can't hear you! [ audience applauds wildly ] Yeah! Alright!

Tina Fey: Now, Wilson, you were great in "Castaway", but, I gotta know, what was it like working with tom Hanks?

Wilson the Volleyball: Hanks is a dick! Yeah, yeah.. as soon as the filming starting, he knew I was turning into the star of the damn flick, so what does he do - he goes behind my back to Zemeckis, and gets my sex scene cut!

Tina Fey: You, uh, you had a sex scene?

Wilson the Volleyball: Oh, yeah, it was sensous, erotic, and very tasteful. I did it with a turtle!

Tina Fey: You had sex with a turtle?

Wilson the Volleyball: Yeah, with my little inflation nub here. Hey, can we get a shot of my nub, something for the ladies? Look at my numb, my little nubbie, yeah!

Tina Fey: Alright, let's move on to your early career. You're classicaly trained, an alumnus of Chicago's Steppenwolf Company..

Wilson the Volleyball: Uh-huh.

[ show slides of Wilson's past roles ]

Tina Fey: There's you and Gary Sinese in "The Grpaes of Wrath". But you gave up the stagw for television, and a role on "One Life To Live", as Dr. Max Baxter and his evil twin, Sid the Volleyball.

Wilson the Volleyball: Yeah, yeah. But now things are relaly taking off. I just wrapped a six-week stint on "Boston Public".. I'm also taking over the role of Jack Ryan in the next Tom Clancy movie.. and I'm stored in a closet.

Tina Fey: Sounds like a bright future for a bright talent.

Wilson the Volleyball: You know, you're pretty sassy, Ms. Tina Fey. I'll give you ten grand for a pair of your panties!

Tina Fey: That's digusting!

Wilson the Volleyball: Fine, fine.. if we're done here, I'm gonna skate - I gotta meet Andy Dick and a crate of tennis balls at Nobu..

[ Tom Hanks enters, and pulls Wilson off of the Update desk and exits ]

Tina Fey: Wilson the Volleyball, and his friend, everybody!

Later this month, George W. Bush will make his first European trip as President, visiting Prime Minister Tony Blair in London. Hoping to make a good impression, Bush has spent the last week trying to learn a few English words.

Citing the high cost of the series and low ratings, syndicator Pearson Television has cancelled "Baywatch". Now viewers who love big fake boobs will just have to watch "VIP", "Jerry Springer", "Jenny Jones", "Search Party", "Extra", "MTV Spring Break", "MTV Making the Video", "Wild on E!", "Howard Stern", "Silk Stalkings", "G-String Divas", "The Man Show", "Unhappily Ever After", "Blind Date", Bowflex Infomercials, "Cleopatra 2525", the XFL, the NFL, "Sabado Gigante", "Temptation Island", "Charmed", wrestling, Cinemax, Showtime or commercials.

A San Francisco woman is claiming that "Nash Bridges" star Don Johnson groped her while exiting a restaurant bathroom. The incident was reported by the men's room attendant, Philip Michael Thomas.

It was announced Monday that Kelly Ripa will be Kathy Lee Gifford's permanent replacement on Regis Philbin's morning talk show. Producers say the two women are very different; Kelly Ripa is a long-time soap opera actress and Kathie Lee is a hateful bitch.

Hundreds of people are vying to get one of only eight spectator seats at Timothy McVeigh's upcoming execution. Said one ticket hopeful, "It's so lame, 'cause you know the whole front row is gonna be industry."

Tina Fey: February is Black History Month, and here with a Black Histroy presentation, from PS 121 in Queens, fourth-grader Rasheed Jenkins.

Rasheed Jenkins: [ nervous ] Thank you, Miss Fey.

Tina Fey: You're welcome, Rasheed. [ Rasheed freezes ] Go ahead, Rasheed.. it's okay, honey..

Rasheed Jenkins: [ screaming ] "Black History Month is proud! Black History is a time in February when we celebrate Black History! We honor such mean.. men.. like Martin Luther King, Malcolm.. [ flips card ] ..X, and Martin Luther King, and.."

Tina Fey: Take your time.

Rasheed Jenkins: "We must always remember such mean.. men.. for what they have done for us. [ pause ] Americans, that's why we're proud to be.. part of the.." [ lost ]

Tina Fey: Sound it out.

Rasheed Jenkins: "Le-ga-cy.."

Tina Fey: Legacy. Legacy, that's good, that's good. Legacy.

Rasheed Jenkins: [ starts crying ]

Tina Fey: Oh, no, honey, don't! Oh, that's okay, you can stop now.. [ Rasheed tries to read as he continues to cry ] Okay, Rasheed.. okay, thank you very much..

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, Tina, stop it, let him go..

Tina Fey: I'm not doing anything! Rasheed, you can stop now!

Jimmy Fallon: Do something, will you?

Tina Fey: I'm trying.. Rasheed, who brought you up here..?

Rasheed Jenkins: I don't knoooowwww!!! MOMMMMAAAA!!! [ Tina tries to help ] Nooooo!! Get away from me, white lady! Mommmmmmaaaa!!

Tina Fey: Does anybody know where his mother is?

[ Tracy Morgan enters ]

Tracy Morgan: What the hell is going on?!

Tina Fey: Tracy, he was doing an "Update" feature, and he got scared.

Tracy Morgan: Well, what did you do to him?!

Jimmy Fallon: Nothing, Tracy.. we're looking for his mother..

Tracy Morgan: She's in my dressing room, Jim! Come on, Shorty, I gotcha, come on. [ exits set with Rasheed ]

Tina Fey: Rasheed Jenkins, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: With "Weekend Update", I'm Jim Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


SNL Transcripts