Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12











00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Kid From "Billy Elliot".....Sean Hayes

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

The Pentagon announced yesterday that U.S. and British planes have struck Iraqi defense sites south of Baghdad. Defense officials say that President Bush wanted to send a clear message to the Iraqi government, that he knows exactly where Iraq is.

New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani is once again expressing outrage at an art exhibit, this time at a painting in which Jesus is depicted as a naked woman. Said the mayor, "This trash is not the sort of thing I want to look at when I go to the museum with my mistress."

Sesame Street Workshop announced this week that they are laying off 60 workers. At a brief press conference, a spokesman for the company stated, "Sixty! 65 workers! Ah ah ah ah! Ah ah ah ah!" News of the firings was brought to the employees by the letters "F" and "U".

Researchers reported Wednesday that they have developed a self-healing plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The new plastic will change the way airplanes are built, and the way medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.

Earlier this week, doctors in Taiwan were called in to remove a Nokia cellphone from a woman's rectum. Don't you hate those a-holes who are always on the cellphone? Everytime the phone rings, she blames it on the dog! Quick review of the new Nokia cellphone - it stinks!

Rapper Eminem pled guilty in a Michigan court this week to weapons charges, and could get up to five years in prison. Meaning that the next time Eminem raps about homosexuality, he'll be able to reference specific names and experiences.

Jimmy Fallon: And now, a Weekend Update Inside Joke. Hey, did you hear what Beth got Phil Hymes for his birthday? A bib to wear on Coffee Cake Fridays! Right, Wally? [ laughs ] This has been a Weekend Update Inside Joke.

The California district attorney who brought child molestation charges against Michael Jackson in 1993 said the case can be reopened at any time. Prosecutors are still confident that they can convict Jackson, since the child described his assailant as "a noseless, white woman."

Jimmy Fallon: Now, here to comment on this year's Academy Award nominations, is the Kid From "Billy Elliot".

Kid From "Billy Elliot": Thank you, Jimmy! Well, this week the Oscar nominations came out, and I think they're all a lot of crap! I didn't get nominated for Best Actor, even though I danced ballet thoughout my whole film! I'd like to see Russell Crowe dance ballet! That fat kiwi. And Tom Hanks! That bastard needs another Oscar like I need another phone call from Elton John! And how about some of those other jokers, huh? Ed Harris in "Pollock"? No one saw Pollack! Ed Harris didn't even see "Pollack"! And Geoffrey Rush and Javier Bardem! Forgive me, I didn't see your movie! I was too tied up in my 14 months of intensive ballet and acting training! I worked with a different dialect coach for six months, just to have the Academy snub me! Oh, they make me so mad, I could just.. I could.. [ starts beating on desk ]

[ Music Over: "A Town Called Malice", The Jam ]

Jimmy Fallon: Dance! Dance, Billy! The Kid From Billy Elliot! Dance! Dance! Dance, my boy! Dance, my boy! Dance! Go get 'em!

[ "Billy" dances off the set ]

Tina Fey: "The Kid From Billy Elliot". Uh.. we thank you for joining us, and sharing your feelings. Thank you, "Kid From Billy Elliot"..

Jimmy Fallon: [ grabs paper ] Wait a sec, Tina, hold on.. this just in. The Boy From Billy Elliot is still mad.

[ show "The Kid From Billy Elliot" dancing angrily through the back halls of the studio ]

[ punches Chris Kattan and Maya Rudolph in the face ]

Maya Rudolph: Dance, Billy!

Chris Kattan: Dance!

[ Billy dances through other parts of the hall ]

Kid From "Billy Elliot": I hate you, America! I hope you have the most boring actors EVER!!

[ dances through set of hall doors ]

Jimmy Fallon: Kid From "Billy Elliot", everyone! With "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


SNL Transcripts