The Clinton Gang
Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton.....Ana Gasteyer
Hugh Rodham.....Horatio Sanz
Roger Clinton.....Chris Parnell
Bill Clinton: Good evening, America. These past few weeks have been a difficult time for me
and my family, as a number of questions have surfaced concerning my conduct in the final days of my
presidency. For most of you, the main question is: why did I pardon fugitive billionaire Marc Rich?
Or, perhaps, some of you may be asking: Why did I pardon my own brother-in-law? Why did I pardon my
own brother Roger?
Roger Clinton: [ waves ] Howdy, folks! [ puts his beer on the table ]
Bill Clinton: Hey, hey, hey! Use a coaster! That table's from the White House. [ to the
nation ] Maybe you're asking: Why did I pardon convicted felons Carlos Benyali, Almon Glen Braswell, or
why did Hillary's brother Hugh Rodham except $400,000 from the aforementioned drug dealers and
swindlers? Say hello, Hugh?
Hugh Rodham: Hey, ho!
Bill Clinton: Or, you might ask why Hillary's own campaign manager had me spring a couple of tax
cheats, who were caught skimming millions from Bonanza Steak House. Because they make good steak! America,
you deserve an answer to all these troubling questions, and tonight I'd like to offer one simple
explanation which covers them all: I do what I likes, and I likes what I do! [ they all laugh ] Oh,
come on, folks, we're the Clintons! What do you expect? Look at us!
Hillary Clinton: They should expect more! I am very disheartened and disappointed in you and my brothers.
[ they all laugh ]
Bill Clinton: I fall for that each and every time! You folks, you know what we're
talking about. We're not some fancy high-class gourmet dinner - we're a Big Mac Extra Value Meal!
Hugh Rodham: Supersized!
[ they all laugh ]
Bill Clinton: Everyone loves a Big Mac. But when you finish your Big Mac, you feel kind of
queasy in the stomach, and you say to yourself, "I'm never eating a Big Mac again!" But you can't
help it - it's tasty! You keep coming back! All I'm saying is, y'all are never gonna
get tired of us. We're like "The Sopranos" in a pick-up truck. We're an outlaw gang. We're freakin'
Bonnie & Clyde and the James Gang and "Hee-Haw" all rolled into one!
[ "Deliverance" banjo music plays, as Hugh and Roger hold up their shotguns, and a flash photo is
taken of them from offscreen ]
We're the Clinton Gang! We rob banks!
Hillary Clinton: Admit it! You can't wait to find out what we're gonna pull next!
Bill Clinton: Any one of us could be seen on FOX TV, running through backyards, followed by a
shaky cam, until we're caught hiding under a doghouse!
Roger Clinton: Hell, I already been on "COPS"!
Bill Clinton: He's been on "COPS"! We've got scandals and crimes out there y'all don't
even know about yet!
Roger Clinton: Oh, come on, give 'em a little hint, Bro!
Bill Clinton: No.. [ everyone eggs him on ] Oh, alright.. The next thing you're gonna hear
about is a Clinton All-Star Scandal. "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"