Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

March 10th, 2001

Conan O'Brien

Don Henley


Max Weinburg

Becky Weinburg

Ben Affleck

Scott Wainio

A Message From the President of the United States
Summary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) Bush announces his new worry-free attitude.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.



Conan O'Brien's Monologue
Summary: Conan O'Brien shows clips of his writer's cameo appearances from the 80's, then takes Tract Morgan and a paramedic (Scott Wainio) downstairs for a tour of his talk show studio.


Summary: If you're losing weight too fast, take a walk with Jared Fogel (Jimmy Fallon) to Subshack to put the pounds back on.


Cumberland Farms
Summary: With a little help from Eric Pearson (Conan O'Brien) and a fake moustache, Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) score some beer.

Note: Ben Affleck's character did not appear in the dress rehearsal.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank, Donny Bartalotti.


Moleculo: The Molecular Man
Summary: Superhero Moleculo (Conan O'Brien) gives himself away by repeating his catch-phrase while assuming his mild-mannered disguise.


Napster Hearings
Summary: Not only is Right Said Fred (Conan O'Brien) seeking copyright protection, he would also like a little something to eat.

Recurring Characters: Trent Lott, David Lee Roth.


Don Henley performs "Everything Is Different Now"
Also Performed: 89d.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Note: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey perform "Weekend Update" without any guest commentaries.


Taint-less Ted
Summary: A doctor (Conan O'Brien) informs patient Ted Brown (Horatio Sanz) that he's lost his "taint".


TV Funhouse
Summary: Rob Smigel invites viewers to "Find the Black People At The Knicks Game."


VH-1 Diva-thon
Summary: Diva Deandra Wells (Ana Gasteyer) causes a ruckus among the members of her back-up band.

Recurring Characters: Deandra Wells, Grodon Davis, Alan "Sticks" McRae, Donny Gordon, Lynda Lopez.

Democratic National Committee
Summary: Marc Rich (Chris Kattan) discusses his financial woes.

Don Henley performs "The Heart Of The Matter"
Note: When NBC reran the episode, this performance was replaced by a DeMarco Brothers sketch cut from dress rehearsal.

Sports Century
Summary: Early 20th Century boxer James "The Gentlemen Masher" Corcoran (Conan O'Brien) excelled at his sport until he agreed to spar with black competitors.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

DeMarco Brothers
Summary: Kyle DeMarco (Chris Kattan), Sean DeMarco (Chris Parnell) and their cousin (Conan O'Brien) audition for Don Henley.

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

Note: This sketch aired in place of Don Henley's second performance when the episode reran.

SNL Transcripts