Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


March 10th, 2001

Conan O'Brien

Don Henley

None

Max Weinburg

Becky Weinburg

Ben Affleck

Scott Wainio

A Message From the President of the United States
Summary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) Bush announces his new worry-free attitude.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript


Montage


Conan O'Brien's Monologue
Summary: Conan O'Brien shows clips of his writer's cameo appearances from the 80's, then takes Tract Morgan and a paramedic (Scott Wainio) downstairs for a tour of his talk show studio.

Transcript


Subshack
Summary: If you're losing weight too fast, take a walk with Jared Fogel (Jimmy Fallon) to Subshack to put the pounds back on.

Transcript


Cumberland Farms
Summary: With a little help from Eric Pearson (Conan O'Brien) and a fake moustache, Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) score some beer.

Note: Ben Affleck's character did not appear in the dress rehearsal.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank, Donny Bartalotti.

Transcript


Moleculo: The Molecular Man
Summary: Superhero Moleculo (Conan O'Brien) gives himself away by repeating his catch-phrase while assuming his mild-mannered disguise.

Transcript


Napster Hearings
Summary: Not only is Right Said Fred (Conan O'Brien) seeking copyright protection, he would also like a little something to eat.

Recurring Characters: Trent Lott, David Lee Roth.

Transcript


Don Henley performs "Everything Is Different Now"
Also Performed: 89d.


Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Note: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey perform "Weekend Update" without any guest commentaries.

Transcript


Taint-less Ted
Summary: A doctor (Conan O'Brien) informs patient Ted Brown (Horatio Sanz) that he's lost his "taint".

Transcript


TV Funhouse
Summary: Rob Smigel invites viewers to "Find the Black People At The Knicks Game."

Transcript


VH-1 Diva-thon
Summary: Diva Deandra Wells (Ana Gasteyer) causes a ruckus among the members of her back-up band.

Recurring Characters: Deandra Wells, Grodon Davis, Alan "Sticks" McRae, Donny Gordon, Lynda Lopez.


Democratic National Committee
Summary: Marc Rich (Chris Kattan) discusses his financial woes.


Don Henley performs "The Heart Of The Matter"
Note: When NBC reran the episode, this performance was replaced by a DeMarco Brothers sketch cut from dress rehearsal.


Sports Century
Summary: Early 20th Century boxer James "The Gentlemen Masher" Corcoran (Conan O'Brien) excelled at his sport until he agreed to spar with black competitors.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

DeMarco Brothers
Summary: Kyle DeMarco (Chris Kattan), Sean DeMarco (Chris Parnell) and their cousin (Conan O'Brien) audition for Don Henley.

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

Note: This sketch aired in place of Don Henley's second performance when the episode reran.



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