Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O'Brien / Don Henley

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As most of you are aware, earlier this week Vice President Dick Cheney was admitted to George Washington University Hospital after complaining of chest pains. Because of his history of heart trouble, the Vice President was held for several hours of tests before being released. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers are naturally with the Cheney family. But while this is a matter of some concern, it is vitally important that the American people be reassured. It is only Vice President Cheney that is seriously ill; I am perfectly fine. And unlike the Vice President, I can assure you that there is virtually no chance that illness will ever prevent me from discharging the duties of my office. On that score, Americans can rest easy. I'll always be running the show.

(looks nervously to his side)

But if you are still worried, I have here the results of my most recent physical exam. This should put those fears to rest. Consider, for example, my resting heart rate at 42 beats per minute. For purposes of comparison, a typical man my age has a heart rate of 72. Dick Cheney's is 211. Or, consider my cholesterol level of 115. Average for my age: 200. Again, Dick Cheney's is 650. In fact, the only medical condition I do have is what my doctors call a tiny beer belly, left over from my wild oats period. But according to these doctors, if I follow their dietary guidelines and work with John Abdo and his AbDoer, there's no reason I couldn't have a size 30 waist by next year's State of the Union. Think about it! A size 30 waist! Again, for comparison, Dick Cheney is a 52. You have to admit, that is pretty good.

So what's my secret? I don't know. Mostly good genes, I guess. And plenty of sleep. Fourteen hours a night, every night, no ifs, ands or buts. Also, keeping a moderate work schedule and taking frequent catnaps. Plus, when it comes to my official duties, I make sure I pace myself. But, whatever the reason, the bottom line is that Americans don't need to worry. I'm in excellent health. Other people may drop like flies in this administration, but I'm going to be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year. You can count on it.

And one more thing: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Submitted by: Elizabeth C.

SNL Transcripts