Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14







00n: Conan O'Brien / Don Henley

Moleculo: The Molecular Man

Bank Robber #1.....Chris Kattan
Bank Robber #2.....Tracy Morgan
Moleculo.....Conan O'Brien
Police Officer #1.....Chris Parnell
Police Officer #2.....Jerry Minor
Jimmy.....Jimmy Fallon
Lois.....Rachel Dratch
Chief.....Darrell Hammond
Mexican.....Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, Acme Federal Savings Bank, sounds of fighting heard within ]

[ dissolve to interior, pile of bank robbers stacked on the floor ]

Bank Robber #1: We give up..!

Bank Robber #2: Yeah.. we give..! Who.. who are you, anyway?

Moleculo: I am Moleculo.. [ camera zooms in on his face ] ..The Molecular Maaaann!

[ cut to jingle ]

Jingle: "Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!"

Moleculo: The Molecular Man!

[ cut back to bank interior, as the robbers are carted off the scene ]

Police Officer #1: Oh, well, that's the last of them. I can't believe notorious gangster Jackhammer Joe has been defeated.

Police Officer #2: Sure is great to have a superhero around. Thanks a lot! We owe you one Moleculo!

Moleculo: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

[ the Police Officers are stunned by his sudden outburst ]

Police Officer #1: Yeah.. Well, uh.. we can handle it from here. Thanks again.

Moleculo: Remember: wherever evil lurks, I'll be there! [ exits ]

Police Officer #1: I wonder where he came from?

Police Officer #2: I don't know. No one knows much of anything about Moleculo..

Moleculo: [ rushes in - camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Police Officer #1: Okay, dude. We know! Thanks!

[ cut to The Daily Newspaper Building ]

Announcer: Later that day, back at The Daily Newspaper where Moleculo works under his secret identity of Brett Barker..

[ dissolve to interior ]

Chief: Good issue, gang, you did a bang-up job!

Jimmy & Lois: Thanks a lot, Chief!

Chief: And I gotta say, Brett Barker got a fantastic scoop on this Moleculo story! You know, he always seems to know when Moleculo's gonna show up!

Lois: Wait a second.. you guys don't think..?

Jimmy: Yeah, right! Brett Barker? Moleculo!

[ everyone laughs, as Brett Barker enters ]

Brett Barker: Hey, gang. What's the good word?

Chief: We were just talking about this great story you wrote!

Brett Barker: Ah, thanks, Chief. I was just in the right place at the right time.

Lois: You know, you always seem to be in the right place at the right time - when it comes to Moleculo!

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Jimmy: Yes. Him.

Chief: Well.. anyway.. I just wanted to say "Good Job" on this Moleculo story..

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann!

Lois: What is wrong with you?

Jimmy: Are you high?

Brett Barker: No, I.. I just have some work that I should probably do.. so.. see you later.. [ exits room ]

Jimmy: Something's fishy about that Brett Barker..

Chief: Say, what do you mean?

Lois: Well.. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think it's possible that Brett is somehow connected to Moleculo.

Brett Barker: [ crashes through wall, as camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaann! [ pause, as everyone stares at him ] What?!

Chief: Okay. Okay! You're Moleculo! Just admit it!

Brett Barker: Wait.. well, how'd you know..?

Jimmy: Oh, gee, I don't know.. maybe it was Moleculo!

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] The Molecular Maaaa-.. ohh.. right.. it's the yelling. Damn! I just can't control it, you know? I get really excited.. Well, I guess my cover's blown.

Lois: What will you do now?

Brett Barker: Well, in order to continue my crime-fighting ways, I must leave you, and travel somewhere far, far away. Farewell, oh friends. [ exits room ]

[ cut to Mexico, Brett Barker seen inside El Diario De Hoy ]

Mexican: Ah, Senor Barker. Muchas gracis. Su historia es muy excelente.

Brett Barker: !A mi me gusta mi trabajo mucho!

Mexican: Trabejo soy yo le Moleculo.

Brett Barker: [ camera zooms in on his face ] El hombre de los moleculos!

Mexican: [ pause ] Tu el es Moleculo?

Brett Barker: [ throws off sombrero ] Si.. si.. caramba!

Jingle: "Moleculo! Moleculo! Moleculo!"

Moleculo: The Molecular Man!

[ fade to black ]


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