00n: Conan O'Brien / Don Henley
Ted Brown....Horatio Sanz
Mrs. Brown....Rachel Dratch
Freddie Gannon....Will Ferrell
Announcer Gary St. Laurel....Chris Parnell
[Opens with a shot of a house cut to the inside of it. Living room]
Ted Brown: Honey, I'm going to the good McDonalds on
Banesville for some fries.
Mrs. Brown: That's an hour drive. Just go to the one
across the street.
Ted Brown: No, the one in Banesville is better.
Mrs. Brown: Ok, but remember Bruce Jenner's in the
Actor's Studio in 15 minutes and you've been pumped up
about that for like 2 weeks.
Ted Brown: Oh, my God! I almost forgot. Wait. I got
it. If I drive 135 miles an hour I can make it there
and back in 10 minutes.
Mrs. Brown: Honey, that is just a little bit extreme.
Ted Brown: We're wasting time! I'm going!
[Jumps over table, runs out. Cut to an overview of the
highway and a red car crashing horribly.Shots of
doctors taking in someone on a gurney, operating room.
Dissolves to Ted in a hospital bed]
Nurse: Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown. Can you hear me?
Ted Brown: Where am I?
Nurse: You're tied to a bed in a shack. We're weird
hillbilly cannibals and we're gonna stick things in your butt.
Ted Brown: Aaaaahhh!! No! Help!
Nurse: I'm jokin', I'm jokin'! It's an old hospital
joke. Calm down. You're in Shelton Memorial.
[Doctor comes in]
Doctor: Hello there, Mr. Ber-an-wa.
Ted Brown: Brown.
Doctor: Yes, Braawn. Yes. Sorry, that's a very odd
name. I see you've woken up. Give us a few nurse, would you?
Ted Brown: Doctor, what happened to me?
Doctor: Well, you were in a grisly car wreck, Mr.
Berawn. But somehow after 10 hours of surgery, you're alive.
Ted Brown: Thank you, doctor.
Doctor: Unfortunately, there is some bad news. And I
want you to brace yourself Mr. Berone. In order to
save your life I was forced to remove your taint.
Ted Brown: What?!
Doctor: You had suffered massive trauma to your taint.
We did all we could but in the end we were forced to
remove it. Your taint. That is.
Ted Brown: What the hell is a taint?
Doctor: A taint, sir is the area between your rectum
and your genitals. It ain't your "uum" and it ain't
your "aah". So it's a taint.
Ted Brown: Wait a minute. Are you talking about my
fleshy fun bridge?
Doctor: You know, I haven't heard that term since my
second year of medical school but yes. That's exactly
what I'm talking about.
Ted Brown: You bastard!! You butchered me!! Where did
you get your medical degree out of a box of "Hill
Street Blues" cereal?
Doctor: Was there a "Hill Street Blues" cereal?
Ted Brown: I'm pretty sure it was.
Doctor: Look Mr. Burnwa...
Ted Brown: It's brown!!
Doctor: No sir, the taint is flesh colored.
Ted Brown: No, my name is Mr. Brown!
Doctor: Mr. Brawn, I assure you the field of taint
prosthetics is advancing at a rapid pace. We can build
you an artificial taint out of wood and yes, it will be bionic.
Ted Brown: Oh, God!!! I got no taint!!! What good am
I?!!How does that song go,[sings]"Riders of the storm,
like an actor all alone, some dude without a
Doctor: Yes, we all love the Stones. Now sir, your
wife is outside and she'd like to see you.
Ted Brown: Oh, great.
Ted Brown: Let her in so she can see her taint less
husband. " He can't work! He lost his taint!"
Doctor: Get a hold of yourself, man! There's plenty of
jobs you can do without a taint.
Ted Brown: Name one.
Doctor: Well, there's....I can't.
[In walks Mrs. Brown with big sleazy guy with a
ponytail and a moustache]
Mrs. Brown: Ted?
Ted Brown: Don't look at me!
Mrs. Brown: Ted, I'm so sorry. I couldn't wait. I've
remarried. This is Freddie Gannon. He's got a huge
Freddie Gannon: Real bum break about losing your
taint. But don't worry, I gave away your dog and I'm
sexin' up your wife Freddie Gannon style. Ever need a
discount on a plastic diver for your fish tank, give
me a jingle.
Mrs. Brown: I'm so sorry.
Doctor: How good a deal you talking on that plastic diver?
Freddie Gannon: 400 clams.
Doctor: Oh, that is sweet! Cannot pass that up!
Ted Brown: I wish I would have died.
Doctor: Hey!, a lot of men and women worked damn hard
to save you.[inspirational music plays]You've been
given a gift. The gift of life. Now use it. Become a
shinning example for the taint less everywhere. Live
friend and live well.
Ted Brown: Doctor, I've been a fool. I'm gonna take
your gift and use it to become the first taint less
[Raises his fist in the air, freeze frame. Captions
scroll up the screen and announcer reads]
Announcer: And so Ted Braaawn from that day forth
never pitied himself for his lack of a taint again.
And even though he didn't become President, he did go
on to become a not so bad guy who mops up at the
bank-ident. And through his example, hundreds of
taint-less others have risen to prominence. People
like Roy Smalley[photo of Roy], the guy who says
"Let's get ready to rumble",[photo of Michael Buffer],
Purvis Short[photo of the guy]...excuse me, I misread
that Purvis Ellison[replaced by another photo], The
Jessie White Tumblers[photo of the whole bunch], the
robotic owl from "Clash of the Titans"[photo of the
owl], Sirhan Sirhan[photo of the guy] and me Gary St.
Laurel[photo of Gary in suit and tie]your announcer,
that's right. I bet you had no idea the person reading
this voice over does not have a taint.
Voice of a man: Nah, we knew, we knew.
Announcer: Oh, wow. I think I'm gonna cry. No, I'm
not. Yep, I am.[sobbing cries] Just stop tape. Stop it!
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel