Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O'Brien / Don Henley

Taint-less Ted

Ted Brown....Horatio Sanz
Doctor....Conan O'Brien
Nurse....Ana Gasteyer
Mrs. Brown....Rachel Dratch
Freddie Gannon....Will Ferrell
Announcer Gary St. Laurel....Chris Parnell

[Opens with a shot of a house cut to the inside of it. Living room]

Ted Brown: Honey, I'm going to the good McDonalds on Banesville for some fries.

Mrs. Brown: That's an hour drive. Just go to the one across the street.

Ted Brown: No, the one in Banesville is better.

Mrs. Brown: Ok, but remember Bruce Jenner's in the Actor's Studio in 15 minutes and you've been pumped up about that for like 2 weeks.

Ted Brown: Oh, my God! I almost forgot. Wait. I got it. If I drive 135 miles an hour I can make it there and back in 10 minutes.

Mrs. Brown: Honey, that is just a little bit extreme.

Ted Brown: We're wasting time! I'm going!

[Jumps over table, runs out. Cut to an overview of the highway and a red car crashing horribly.Shots of doctors taking in someone on a gurney, operating room. Dissolves to Ted in a hospital bed]

Nurse: Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown. Can you hear me?

Ted Brown: Where am I?

Nurse: You're tied to a bed in a shack. We're weird hillbilly cannibals and we're gonna stick things in your butt.

Ted Brown: Aaaaahhh!! No! Help!

Nurse: I'm jokin', I'm jokin'! It's an old hospital joke. Calm down. You're in Shelton Memorial.

[Doctor comes in]

Doctor: Hello there, Mr. Ber-an-wa.

Ted Brown: Brown.

Doctor: Yes, Braawn. Yes. Sorry, that's a very odd name. I see you've woken up. Give us a few nurse, would you?

[nurse leaves]

Ted Brown: Doctor, what happened to me?

Doctor: Well, you were in a grisly car wreck, Mr. Berawn. But somehow after 10 hours of surgery, you're alive.

Ted Brown: Thank you, doctor.

Doctor: Unfortunately, there is some bad news. And I want you to brace yourself Mr. Berone. In order to save your life I was forced to remove your taint.

Ted Brown: What?!

Doctor: You had suffered massive trauma to your taint. We did all we could but in the end we were forced to remove it. Your taint. That is.

Ted Brown: What the hell is a taint?

Doctor: A taint, sir is the area between your rectum and your genitals. It ain't your "uum" and it ain't your "aah". So it's a taint.

Ted Brown: Wait a minute. Are you talking about my fleshy fun bridge?

Doctor: You know, I haven't heard that term since my second year of medical school but yes. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Ted Brown: You bastard!! You butchered me!! Where did you get your medical degree out of a box of "Hill Street Blues" cereal?

Doctor: Was there a "Hill Street Blues" cereal?

Ted Brown: I'm pretty sure it was.

Doctor: Look Mr. Burnwa...

Ted Brown: It's brown!!

Doctor: No sir, the taint is flesh colored.

Ted Brown: No, my name is Mr. Brown!

Doctor: Mr. Brawn, I assure you the field of taint prosthetics is advancing at a rapid pace. We can build you an artificial taint out of wood and yes, it will be bionic.

Ted Brown: Oh, God!!! I got no taint!!! What good am I?!!How does that song go,[sings]"Riders of the storm, like an actor all alone, some dude without a taint"....oh, man.

Doctor: Yes, we all love the Stones. Now sir, your wife is outside and she'd like to see you.

Ted Brown: Oh, great.

Doctor: Yes.

Ted Brown: Let her in so she can see her taint less husband. " He can't work! He lost his taint!"

Doctor: Get a hold of yourself, man! There's plenty of jobs you can do without a taint.

Ted Brown: Name one.

Doctor: Well, there's....I can't.

[In walks Mrs. Brown with big sleazy guy with a ponytail and a moustache]

Mrs. Brown: Ted?

Ted Brown: Don't look at me!

Mrs. Brown: Ted, I'm so sorry. I couldn't wait. I've remarried. This is Freddie Gannon. He's got a huge taint!

Freddie Gannon: Real bum break about losing your taint. But don't worry, I gave away your dog and I'm sexin' up your wife Freddie Gannon style. Ever need a discount on a plastic diver for your fish tank, give me a jingle.

Mrs. Brown: I'm so sorry.

Doctor: How good a deal you talking on that plastic diver?

Freddie Gannon: 400 clams.

Doctor: Oh, that is sweet! Cannot pass that up!

Ted Brown: I wish I would have died.

Doctor: Hey!, a lot of men and women worked damn hard to save you.[inspirational music plays]You've been given a gift. The gift of life. Now use it. Become a shinning example for the taint less everywhere. Live friend and live well.

Ted Brown: Doctor, I've been a fool. I'm gonna take your gift and use it to become the first taint less President!!

[Raises his fist in the air, freeze frame. Captions scroll up the screen and announcer reads]

Announcer: And so Ted Braaawn from that day forth never pitied himself for his lack of a taint again. And even though he didn't become President, he did go on to become a not so bad guy who mops up at the bank-ident. And through his example, hundreds of taint-less others have risen to prominence. People like Roy Smalley[photo of Roy], the guy who says "Let's get ready to rumble",[photo of Michael Buffer], Purvis Short[photo of the guy]...excuse me, I misread that Purvis Ellison[replaced by another photo], The Jessie White Tumblers[photo of the whole bunch], the robotic owl from "Clash of the Titans"[photo of the owl], Sirhan Sirhan[photo of the guy] and me Gary St. Laurel[photo of Gary in suit and tie]your announcer, that's right. I bet you had no idea the person reading this voice over does not have a taint.

Voice of a man: Nah, we knew, we knew.

Announcer: Oh, wow. I think I'm gonna cry. No, I'm not. Yep, I am.[sobbing cries] Just stop tape. Stop it!

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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