Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 15




00o: Julia Stiles / Aerosmith

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart ... Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Today on Martha Stewart Living:

Martha Stewart: Crisp Irish linens, savory corn beef and cabbage, and hot buttery scones: the charming old world traditions of the Emerald Isle. Here in America we honor Saint Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland, by donning green, gaily parading, and getting crocked out of our gourds. I'm Martha Stewart. Join me today on "Living" where I'll show you some innovative ways to class up this unbelievably trashy holiday.

These popular novelty buttons are poorly constructed and potentially offensive. [Holds up a button saying "Irish women do it for Guinness"] I'll show you how to make a tasteful Saint Patrick's Day ornament with home made paper and a piece of hand hewn leather. I used my calligraphy set to craft this folksy label pin. It says Canigahadagragaba which is Gallic for, "You must be Irish because my penis is Dublin." It's both quaint and humorous.

Nothing says St. Patty's in America like putting Kelly Green food coloring into everything from potato salad to piss water beer. We'll use basil clippings from my herb garden to make an all-natural flavorful dye. It not only tints beer this rich emerald color, it also lends a refreshing aroma to the inevitable post-parade curb-side barf. [takes a sip] Mmm. And who can resist making out with a green-tongued stranger. [sticks her green tongue out and winks]

And of course, St. Patrick'S celebrations are the ideal time to put all your favorite green vintage house wares to use. I patina-d this copper kettle and added a decorative handle to make it look like a traditional Leprechaun's pot of gold. It makes the perfect receptacle for public urination. It's really such more elegant than relieving yourself against a police car.

So join me later today for a very special "Living" when I try to inject a little decorum into this potato grubbing, ass grabbing, street brawl of a holiday. Because Saint Patrick's Day isn't just for the Irish. It's also for Dirt Baggy alcoholics everywhere ... and that's a good thing.

[Irish music begins to play and Martha does a jig]

Martha Stewart: "LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"


Submitted by: Michael Menninger


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