Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16




00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Inside the Actor's Studio

James Lipton.....Will Ferrell
Charles Nelson Reilly.....Alec Baldwin

James Lipton: On the thirteenth of January.. nineteen hundred and thirty one.. right here in New York City.. magic happened. An artist was born that would rival Leonardo da Vinci.. or Michelangelo. But his tools would not be pen, nor brush, nor chisel, nor palette. His tools would be his comically over-sized glasses.. and his soul. So please.. welcome.. the greatest performer ever to have graced this Earth, Charles Nelson Reilly.

[ Charles Nelson Reilly enters, strikes a few flamboyant poses for the audience, and sits down while laughing and grabbing his glasses ]

James Lipton: If you ever want to see acting at its finest.. acting that will make you re-examine your life.. acting that will make you see the world for the first time. Watch the 1969 television series, Love American Style. Specifically the episode entitled, "Love and the Laughing Lovers." It is a delight. [ James Lipton and Charles Nelson Reilly share a laugh ] Tell us about it.

Charles Nelson Reilly: Well, you know it was fantastic. It was a summer full of fashion, fun and frivolity. I learned a lot. One time, Gary Neworth, the director, said to me, "Charles, why don't you grab your glasses between your thumb and forefinger and pretend you're twisting them!" [ demonstrates while cracking up ] And I was never the same.

James Lipton: Nor, indeed, was the world.. nor history.. nor anything that the human eye has ever captured. When one thinks of CNR, one's mind goes right to Match Game. That show was delightful. No. No. It was brilliant. No, no, no, no. There is no word to describe its perfection, so I am forced to make one up. And I'm going to do so right now. Scrumtrilescent.

Charles Nelson Reilly: Oh my, that's a good word.

James Lipton: Yes it is. Match Game was absolutely scrumtrilescent.

Charles Nelson Reilly: You know, once we were taping Match Game '75, Nipsey Russell, Brett Summers and I, and we were hanging out at Gene Rayburn's house, and Nipsey says, "Charles, where does the joy come from?" And I said, "It comes from my blank and it blanks from my blank!" [ laughs uproariously ] And Betty White laughed so hard, her boob fell out!

James Lipton: Unbelievable. You are a modern master. Already a huge success on Broadway, you easily crossed over into film. In 1984, you portrayed Don Don Canneloni.. in Cannonball Run 2. A performance so scrumtrilescent, I can barely move. [ sits rigid for ten seconds ] Then in 1985, you played the hardest role of your life.. yourself.. in Joan Rivers and Friends Salute Heidi Abromowitz.

Charles Nelson Reilly: My Joanie.

James Lipton: Yes. What was it like to play Charles Nelson Reilly?

Charles Nelson Reilly: Sad, fun, tragic, happy, glorious, sticky, horrible, neat and a little gassy.

James Lipton: You are a blinding brilliant light from heaven. Now there is one important role we have yet to discuss.. and that is the voice of King Llort.. in the 1993 animated feature A Troll in Central Park. If you haven't seen A Troll in Central Park.. you must. It is like looking into the face of God and seeing Him smiling back and saying, "You are my most wondrous creation." May I speak with King Llort?

Charles Nelson Reilly: Oh!

James Lipton: Is King Llort there?

Charles Nelson Reilly: Oh, of course! [ grabs two cards from Lipton's monumental stack and holds them to his head like giant ears ] Well, hello James Lipton! I'm King Llort! There's a troll in Central Park. I'm King Llort! [ replaces cards ]

James Lipton: [ laughing ] I am born anew in your genius. We will conclude our evening.. as we conclude each of our evenings.. with a questionnaire invented by the great Bernard Pivot of apostrophe [ jibberish French ]. What is your favorite word?

Charles Nelson Reilly: [ laughs and twists his glasses ]

James Lipton: What is your least favorite word?

Charles Nelson Reilly: [ emits a prolonged nasal sound of disgust ]

James Lipton: Well played. And finally.. if heaven exists.. what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Charles Nelson Reilly: Hmm.

James Lipton: Charles Nelson Reilly.. I am not alone in thinking that you make Gandhi look like a child pornographer. For Inside the Actor's Studio.. I'm James Lipton.


Submitted by: Cash Car Star


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