00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay
Terrance Maddox.....Will Ferrell
Sebastian Clay.....Alec Baldwin
Student #1.....Maya Rudolph
Student #2.....Dana Edelson
Student #3.....Chris Kattan
Student #4.....Rachel Dratch
[ FADE IN: ]
[ EXT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE – NIGHT – ESTABLISHING SHOT ]
[ INT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE – CLASSROOM – NIGHT ]
[ STUDENTS are settling in as TEACHER is in the front. ]
Teacher: Alright, class! Welcome to “Introduction for Lighting for Black & White Photography”. Now, one of the most difficult subject to light is the nude human body. Which is why tonight, we are going to be using a live artist model. Unfortunately, the person I usually use couldn’t make it, but we do have a replacement. His name is Terrance Maddox. Terrance? You can come in now.
[ ENTER TERRANCE MADDOX ]
Terrance Maddox: Thank you. No applause. Just money, please. Just –
[ Maddox vomits hard. ]
Terrance Maddox: It’s all right! My bad.
Student #1: Omigod!
Student #2: Gross!
Terrance Maddox: Don’t worry -- that wasn’t food.
Student #3: This is awful.
Terrance Maddox: I repeat -- this is not food. There is no need to worry.
Teacher: Mr. Maddox, if you’re not feeling well, you can just go home.
Terrance Maddox: Are you kidding? The show must go on!
[ Maddox disrobes. ]
Terrance Maddox: And “Oh Mama!”, look what we got here under the big top tonight!
[ Maddox flaunts his gentiles to the room. ]
Terrance Maddox: Baby cried the day the circus came to town!
Teacher: Alright, Mr. Maddox! Please take your seat!
Terrance Maddox: Now, I’m leaking in a couple of spots,! So work with me, people!
[ Maya Rudolph can’t contain her laughter. The rest of the class watches unfazed. ]
Teacher: Now class, remember that shadow is one of the most important elements when shooting in Black & White.
Terrance Maddox: Hey, hey, that reminds me!
Teacher: Of what!?
Terrance Maddox: What’s black, white, and red all over?
Teacher: A newspaper. I don’t know.
Terrance Maddox: This thing!
[ Maddox shows off a portion of his foot, but it’s blocked by Student #1’s head. ]
Terrance Maddox: I don’t know what it is either! Help me! Somebody please help me!
[ SEBASTIAN CLAY, a robed, mustached man of no trust, ENTERS. ]
Sebastian Clay: Perhaps I can be of some assistance?
Terrance Maddox: Sebastian Clay!
[ INTENSE MUSIC ]
[ The two vagrants stare each other down. Clay partially disrobes. ]
[ CLOSE-UP OF MADDOX’s GUT “JIGGLE-WAVING” ]
[ CLOSE-UP OF CLAY’s GUT “JIGGLE-WAVING” ]
Sebastian Clay: Well, it looks as if the agency has double-booked this session. Well… no matter! I suppose we shall proceed with two models -- that is if you’re up to the challenge, Maddox!
Terrance Maddox: Bring it on, Clay!
Teacher: I take it you two know each other?
Sebastian Clay: Oh, we see each other around the circuit: dumpsters, police line-ups, snuff film auditions -- you know - the circuit! First time I laid eyes on Terrance Maddox, he was giving a handjob to Darrell Hammond outside a blood bank in St. Paul! What can I say? The kid had chops! It was then I knew I met my match!
Terrance Maddox: They call Clay here, “The Gentleman Ghost”.
Teacher: Why is that? Are you some sophisticated thief?
Sebastian Clay: Far from it. No, I’m called “The Gentleman Ghost” because I like to get it on with dead dudes!
[ The class reacts in pure disgust. ]
Terrance Maddox: Hey! I did it with a chicken once!
Sebastian Clay: Nice try, Maddox! But a little too desperate.
[ Clay opens an Army satchel and pulls out a martini mixer. ]
Sebastian Clay: I say our reunion here calls for a cocktail.
[ Clay pulls out a wine glass from the satchel and pours himself a glass. ]
Student #3: Excuse me, what’s happening? Is this even a class anymore?
Teacher: Mr. Clay, since you’re here, we may as well use two models. But please, no drinks.
Sebastian Clay: Oh, please! I insist…
[ The teacher takes the glass and a sip. ]
Teacher: That’s delicious! What is it?
Sebastian Clay: That’s my own recipe: two parts vermouth and one part my semen.
[ The teacher promptly spits out the beverage. ]
Terrance Maddox: I’ll give it a try! C’mon!
[Clay takes the glass away from the teacher and hands it to Maddox, who takes a sip. ]
Sebastian Clay: How was it?
Terrance Maddox: You’ve outdone yourself!
Teacher: That is it! That’s it! I want both of you out of my classroom now!
Terrance Maddox: Not until we settle this!
Sebastian Clay: You’re not suggesting…
Terrance Maddox: That’s right -- a POSE-OFF!
Sebastian Clay: VERY WELL! A POSE-OFF IT IS! Have at, thy!
Terrance Maddox: I call this one, “Sunday in the Park with my Appendectomy Scar.”
[ Maddox eagle-spreads his torso. The class winces. ]
Sebastian Clay: This is something I call, “One Ball for Sister Sara.”
[ Clay showcases his crotch. ]
Teacher: All right! Okay! That is enough!!! I WANT BOTH OF YOU OUT OF HERE AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU AT THIS COMMUNITY COLLEGE AGAIN!
[ Both men cry. Clay cups his hand over Maddox’s mouth as he’s about to vomit. ]
Teacher: Okay, okay! You can both stay. I’m sorry. All right - just stop it!
[ Maddox puts his robe on. ]
Terrance Maddox: I know when I’m not needed.
Sebastian Clay: Indeed!
Terrance Maddox: You’re not half-bad, Clay.
Sebastian Clay: Nor are you, Maddox. If you’ll excuse us…
Terrance Maddox: But before we go, we got something to say – now I may not know anything about lighting of the perfect human form, but I do know something about forming the perfect human poop! Which is what I’ll be doing seconds from now… on the hoods of your fine people’s cars!
Sebastian Clay: Here, here!
Terrance Maddox: Now, good day to you!
[ SEPIA PHOTO MONTAGE ]
[ TERRANCE VOMITING ]
[ CLAY’S UGLY TORSO ]
[ TEACHER SPITTING OUT CLAY’S “COCK”TAIL ]
[ BOTH MEN CRYING ]
[ BACK TO CLASSROOM ]
[ Maddox & Clay blow a kiss and wink. ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs