Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Bonus Episode 2




SNL Primetime Extra 2

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond

[ open in the Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: [ holding large check ] I have a check here - that is a big check - made out to the U.S. Taxpayer, for the amount of $1,600, which is the average tax cut for a family of four under my plan. And all I'm asking in return, is you start being cool to me. Ever since I got here, people have had low expectations of the Bushie. I had no idea how low, until I tied my shoe at a press conference, and everyone applauded. I mean, come on, I can tie my own shoe! Most of the people around here are my Dad's friends, and they don't trust me. So I'm asking you, America, to be my buddy. I'm giving you $1,600 bucks. Al Gore wouldn't give you any money - he would bore you with one of his lectures, and give the money to a tree. Not me. I'm giving cash, in exchange for us becoming compadres.

[ Vice-President Dick Cheney enters the Oval Office, and gives Presidnt Bush an unwelcomed look of dissatisfaction ]

Uh-oh. Sorry, Dick. [ laughs to himself ] I'll, uh.. I'll go over to my desk.

[ stands up, and moves over to tiny card table next to the President's desk, complete with Mickey Mouse mug sitting on it ]

I'm gonna wrap this up.. so, let me reiterate. Feel free to come down to the Bush White House - that's 800 Pennsylvania Avenue - where I trade cash for your approval. Oh, incidentally, we also have a new exchange program, as one fellow found out yesterday, where we trade bullets for guns. [ laughs ] If you bring a gun down here and wave it around, the Secret Service will give you a bullet. A hollow point in the torso or thigh area. Thank you for listening. God bless. And I know y'all think I'm stupid, because it's Thursday, but, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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