Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 16

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Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
.....Tracy Morgan
.....Kid Rock
.....David Spade

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

A Delta Airlines flight to Japan had to turn back Thursday because Russian air officials said the plane didn't have permission to fly through their airspace. President Bush immediately apologized for the incident, just to mess with China.

Chinese President Jiang Zemin, meanwhile, continus to insist that the United States take responsibnility for the crash, stating, "Americans have to learn that not every accident is the Chinese driver's fault."

An Arkansas man has been accused of passing $18 million in bad checks. In a strange twist, authorities say the man has absolutely no connection to the Clinton Family.

According to friends, Darryl Strawberry's disappearance from alcohol rehab last week was in part prompted by thoughts of opening day at Yankee Stadium. Said one friend, "Darryl misses the roar of the crowd, the smell of the grass, the crack.."

Strawberry's flight from his rehab clinic violated the terms of his house arrest, which means Strawberry now faces jail time and the very real possibility of becoming Ally Mcbeal's new love interest.

Jimmy Fallon: After leaving the court-ordered drug treatment program, Darryl was missing for two days. At one point, it was reported that he had been kidnapped. Here to explain what happened, Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Jimmy. As you all know, my man Darryl Strawberry was arrested earlier this week. People ask, "How could this happen? What's going on?" What's going on? I tell you what's going on! Darryl's down in Florida sitting in the rehab with a monkey on his back and cancer in the colito. And if that ain't enough to get you back on the pipe, his baseball season starts up. He snaps! Next thing you know, he calls his boys Cliff and Chuck. They drop him off at some broad's crib in the projects. He's sitting on a bag of dirty clothes getting high, watching opening day. That's not right. Other crackheads ain't got to watch their jobs on TV. So he's sitting there in his dingy white drawers with a pair of black dress socks on, when the phone rings. And Beverly out there in the kitchen answers it.

[ shouting ] "Hello! [ pause ] Hold on. Darryl! The phone!"

Darryl's sittin' there puffing on a pipe, he could be in a Miami hotel, or even in a hotel in San Francisco, very nondescript. "Who is it?"

"It's Doc Gooden."

"What he want?"

"He said the cops was looking for you!"

"Damn it. [ pause ] Tell him I got kidnapped!"

"He said does they want ransom?"

"Yeah. [ pause ] Tell him they want $50,000!"

And Beverly said, "He said they want 50 grand. They want to go food shopping, too. [ to Darryl ] He said the police ain't trying to hear that."

"All right, tell him I turn myself in tomorrow. And come get your son. He got his Playstation hooked up and I'm trying to watch the game."

So that's what went down. Darryl, check it out. Get better, we're all praying for you. Peace.

Jimmy: Tracy Morgan, everybody. Come on.

New York Police are already preparing for Monday's Braves/Mets game, which marks the return of controversial Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker. Police are particularly nervous because this monday at Shea Stadium is Homo Day.

Tina Fey: [ holds up picture of Hugh Hefner and seven girlfriends ] Tonight, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner will celebrate his 75th birthday. At Hefner's side will be his seven girlfriends - Stephanie, Tiffany, Regina, Cathy, Kimberly, Buffy and, of course, Tina. Because wherever two or more whores are gathered, there's always a Tina. Now, when I first saw these women, I thought the same thing we all did - what has happened to affirmative action in this country? Hefner's dating seven blonde, white women - not a blonde pubic hair among them, might I add. Not a pubic hair among them. Come on, though - seven blondes? There's not a hot Asian woman you can throw in there? A light-skinned black woman? A deaf brunette? Something? Where's the diversity? When are we going to have a Hefner harem that looks like America? Am I really to believe that these women, each of them, offers you something unique?

Let's go over them, if you will. [ points to first girlfriend ] This one is 19, okay. Two months ago she was working at Dairy Queen, now she goes clubbing every night with Bill Maher and Don Adams. Is she better off? It's hard to say!

This one.. [ points to second girlfriend ] ..this one isn't even trying. I'm actually very disappointed in this one. What is that, a man's shirt? You are the weakest link - goodbye!

[ onto the third girlfriend ] This one doesn't even have a name anymore.. she's just "Girl". She's basically just there because she knows CPR.

[ fourth girlfriend ] This one is always next to him, always holding his hand. [ in Chinese accent ] She a numba one girlfriend! At 28, Tina is the oldest and has a two-year-old son. That must be a wonderful way to grow up, playing Fetch the Ashtray with James Caan in the Grotto, while your mom's upstairs praying for the Viagara to wear off so she can get you to the orthodontist on time. Fantastic.

These two.. [ points to next two girlfriends ] ..these two right herem these two are like this.. [ crosses fingers ] Sometimes they're like this.. [ squeezes fingers ]

[ final girlfriend ] And this one, clearly, this one is willing to do something the others will not do. Whatever the filthiest thing you can think of - it's a little worse than that, and she'll let you photograph her doing it. Gotta be the reason she's there.

But you know what? You can't condemn these woman, because at least they work together, they support each other, and how many woman can say that, right? And these women aren't doing it for the money. They're doing it because they were molested by a family friend. I salute you, Hefner ladies. You are making it work! Back to you Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Now, with a special edition of the "Hollywood Minute", our old friend David Spade.

Kid Rock: What's up, dude?

Jimmy Fallon: You're not David Spade. You're Kid Rock.

Kid Rock: One and the same, dude. Spade and I did a movie together, so we're partying in New York City. Don't you know it that that wuss Spade drinks a thimble full of Heineken and passes out? So I'm here to fill in and do his little "Hollywood Minute" thing.

Jimmy Fallon: Alright.

Kid Rock: I mean, how hard could it be?

Jimmy Fallon: Alright. I don't know.

Kid Rock: Just picture me as Spade. Six inches off my height, about eight inches off my..

Jimmy Fallon: Piener?

Kid Rock: First off: Britney Spears. Is it me, or does she look like the Hamburgler?

Next up: The Olson Twins. Why is every guy in America waiting for these chicks to turn 18? I mean, you know what I'm saying? If there's grass on the field, play ball! THat's so wrong!

Sean "Puffy" Combs. He just got acquitted for shooting off a gun in a nightclub. So he's got that going for ihm.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, that's good..

Kid Rock: But Jennifer Lopez left his ass, so things aren't all good. You know, for the past two years, J-Lo is like, "Puffy, I think we should see other people." And he's like, "How about I blow your head off, bitch?" She's like, "You know what? Why don't we sleep on it and see how we feel tomorrow?"

David Spade: [ enters on desktop dressed like Kid Rock ]
"Bawitdaba da bang da dang!
Diggy diggy diggy!
Said the boogie said
Up jump the boogie!

Bawitdaba da bang da dang!
Diggy diggy diggy!
Said the boogie said
Up jump the boogie!


Kid Rock: There's only one H.R. Pufnstuf here, Spade!

David Spade: "My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDD!!!!"

Kid Rock:

Jimmy Fallon: Kid Rock, David Spade, everybody. I'm Jimmy Fallon for "Weekend Update".

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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