Hardball

Chris Matthews.....Darrell Hammond
Bob Barr.....Chris Parnell
Molly Ivins.....Renee Zelwegger
Paul Begala.....Chris Kattan



Chris Matthews: [ yelling ] Welcome back to "Hardball", I'm Chris Matthews! Big trouble in little China, our soldiers are back home after the whole ordeal, and everyone stateside's thinking of Nixon-era paranoia and old-fashioned terror with the Far East! Is this the beginning of a new Cold War! I don't know why I'm asking you! Nobody watches this show anymore - nobody!! I'm out here asking the tough questions, shouting at powerful officials, in short, playing Hardball! But, apparently, America would rather watch Pat O'Brien interview the cast of "Becker" on "Access Hollywood"! Sheep! Baa-aa-aa-aa! You people are sheep! Here to talk about the China situation: Republican Congressman of Georgia, Bob Barr.

Bob Barr: Chris, thanks for having me..

Chris Matthews: Whoa! Getting a little lippy right off the bat, eh, Barr? Listen to me, Georgia peach, you talk when Matthews says you talk! Also with us: syndicated political humorist, colorful Texan, Molly Ivins.

Molly Ivins: Hello, y'all, nice to be back, Chris!

Chris Matthews: And, finally, former Clinton advisor and ten-year-old girl, Paul Begala!

Paul Begala: [ with wide-eyed smile ] Now, Chris, you know I'm not a ten-year-old girl!

Chris Matthews: Can it, Missy! Molly Ivins, we're gonna start with you! This is Bush's first test on an international stage - can he claim victory, or what?!

Molly Ivins: [ laughing ] Oh, I don't think so, Chris! There's an old saying down here in Texas: "Bobcats can eat all the chili it wants, don't mean he's gonna crap diamonds."

Chris Matthews: I got no idea what that means! Bob Barr, Bush eventually did apologize to President Jiang, how are conservatives taking this!

Bob Barr: Well.. some of us less compassionate conservatives think Bush wasn't nearly tough enough. We should have gone on the offensive. The Chinese were upset that their jet collided with one of our planes? Well, I wonder how they would have felt if one of our bombs had collided with one of their chopstick factories?

Chris Matthews: Whoa! [ laughs ] Not bad, Barr! Bomb the Chinese! Hey, you're a lunatic, but you had some freakin' Hardball!

Bob Barr: Well, Bush blew it! We didn't need that plane back. What this country needs is months of diplomatic tension followed by a protractive land war in China. We had our chance, and we lost it!

Paul Begala: Can I say something here, Chris? The Cold War is over! This administration has been using outdated policies to justify their own agenda..

Chris Matthews: Zip it, Kermit! Go back to Fraggle Rock! Let the grown-ups talk about politics! Molly Ivins, are relations with China strained forever!

Molly Ivins: Well, Chris.. you know the old Texas proverb about square-dancing on a hot griddle!

Chris Matthews: No I don't!

Molly Ivins: Well, you can't do it unless you're wearing special heat-proof grill-dancing shoes! Think about it, Chris!

Chris Matthews: Whoa, Ivins! There's a fine line between down-home folksy and freakin' nuts! Bob Barr, are we ever gonna get the plane back! What's Bush's next move!

Bob Barr: Well, I'll tell you what it should be, Chris. Two words: poisonous snakes! We've got more than we need over here - I say load 'em up, airlift them over to Beijing, and just let 'em go! It's time to put our poisonous snakes to work fighting the Chinese! Pretty soon, it's "No more snakie! We give you plane back!" Then a quick strike against Russia, we drive on East Berlin, Bush appoints me king of Austria-Hungary, and everyone's happy!

Chris Matthews: What about it, Paul Begala! Should we send in an army of snakes to fight Chinese citizens and invade Moscow!

Paul Begala: [ over banner: "Paul Begala, Very Small Penis" ] Chris, that is ludicrous! Bill Clinton's foreign policy was much, much closer to China. This is not 1951. [ banner chages to: "Paul Begala, Has To Sit Down To Pee" ] Bush has to understand that the.. [ notices Chris laughing at banner ] Hey, come on, I can see that! [ laughs ]

Molly Ivins: Chris, can I just say one more thing?

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Molly Ivins: If a coyote's chewing on your boot, you better cowboy Alamo six-shooter tumbleweed rodeo moustache wax, partner!

Chris Matthews: Good God, woman, what the hell are you talking about!! If anyone's watching this show, steer clear of Molly Ivins! I want to thank my guests tonight! Bob Barr, final thoughts!

Bob Barr: Chris, there's a billion Chinese. And if we're gonna wipe 'em off the Earth, we need about eleven more children per couple to catch up. So, America, get humping!

Chris Matthews: Barr, you're loud, obnoxious and completely dismissive of other people's opinions - I love you, you're great! Molly Ivins, check into a mental ward!

Molly Ivins: Sloo-be-dee, Chris! Zerkum one come grizzly!

Chris Matthews: Yikes! Finally, Paul Begala, you lab experiment gone wrong - do you have anything left to say or yourself?

Paul Begala: Chris, next time..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begala: ..I come back..

Chris Matthews: Yeah!

Paul Begala: ..I'm gonna have to ask that you..

Chris Matthews: Whoa-oa!

Paul Begala: ..keep the insults to a minimum..

Chris Matthews: Shut up! You're dull, and you look like a defective Pez dispenser! Stick around, I'm gonna watch a videotape of myself and shout at it! You're watching "Hardball"!

[ fade out ]


SNL Transcripts