Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 17




00q: Renee Zelwegger / Eve

Jerry Maguire II

Tom Cruise....Jimmy Fallon
Johnathan Lipnicki....Horatio Sanz
....Renee Zelwegger
Cameron Crowe....Chris Parnell
Wardrobe gay guy....Chris Kattan
A.D....Rachel Dratch

[Opens with an up-close shot of the back of a jacket. It says: "Jerry Maguire II. Show me the sequel". It's the back of director Cameron Crowe's jacket on set with Tom And Renee]

Cameron Crowe: Great to have everybody back. We've been talking about making this sequel to "Jerry Macguire" for 5 years now and we're finally here. So, Tom and Renee, I love you guys.

Renee Zelwegger: I love you too, Cameron.

Tom Cruise: It's amazing! Such an honor! [smiles, overexcited] Who's glad we're working for the Crowbar?!

[applause from the crew]

Cameron Crowe: Thank you, guys. All right, let's start with scene 21A. Renee, you're upset cause Jerry's come home late again and you're trying to work this out without waking up your little boy.

Renee Zelwegger: All right, yes, yes, yes, good. I'm ready, I'm ready. Standing or---

Cameron Crowe:: Go ahead and take a seat, yeah.

[Renee and Tom sit on a couch]

A.D.: "Jerry Macguire II" Scene 21A, take one. [clack!]

Cameron Crowe:: And action!

[romantic scene plays]

Renee Zelwegger: Ok, wait, wait, ok. I've always been afraid to swim but then I met you and since then no matter how deep or rough the water got, I knew that I would reach out for you and you'd pull me to shore. But now Jerry, I feel like I'm drowning in you.

Tom Cruise: You had me at swim.

Cameron Crowe:: That's your cue, Johnathan! Johnathan?

[Child actor Johnathan Lipnicki is big and fat as hell, has a juice box]

Jonathan Lipnicki: Did you know that babies come out of "paginas"?

Renee Zelwegger: Ray, daddy's home, Ray. Daddy's home.

Johnathan Lipnicki: To stay?

Tom Cruise: You had me at "paginas".

Johnathan Lipnicki: Yay!

[jumps on top of Renee and Tom crushing them]

Renee Zelwegger: Oh!

Tom Cruise: Ow!

Cameron Crowe:: Cut, cut. You guys ok?

Tom Cruise: It's just the kid, um, he's really grown!

Renee Zelwegger: Yeah, he's a little bit heavier than I remember. [Johnathan gets off of them] Oh, God. Oh!

Johnathan Lipnicki: My mom says I'm a good eater.

Cameron Crowe:: Ok, let's go again from Johnathan's cue right away.

A.D.: Scene 21A, take two. [clack!]

Cameron Crowe:: Action.

Renee Zelwegger: All right, um, but now Jerry I feel like I'm drowning on you.

Tom Cruise: You had me at swim.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Did you know the human body has seven holes? [pointing his face] One, two, three, four...

Cameron Crowe:: Ok, that's not your line, Johnathan.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Unless you're a lady, then you have eight.

Cameron Crowe:: Ok, just say your line again. You ok, Tom?

Tom Cruise: Crowbar, you had me at action.

Renee Zelwegger: Oh, good Lord.

Cameron Crowe:: All right, go Johnathan.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Did you know that babies come out of "paginas"?

Renee Zelwegger: Ray, daddy's home, daddy's home.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Yay!

[climbs on top of Renee and Tom almost crushing them]

Tom Cruise: Watch it there, Ray.

Renee Zelwegger: [labored from Johnathan's weight] I want you to know that even if me and Jerry fight, we'll always be a family and ---wait, wait--Oh, god! Get him off me! Get off! Get off! Get him off me!

Cameron Crowe:: What's up?

Renee Zelwegger: That. [points at Johnathan erection] That is up.

Johnathan Lipnicki: [hiding the boner] My mom says "orections" are as natural as the rainstorms. I'm going through a rainy season. [laughs]

Renee Zelwegger: Ew, ew. That's, that's...yuck.

Tom Cruise: Crowbar, can I say one thing? [Johnathan towers over tiny Tom, plays with Tom] I don't want to step on anyone's toes here but does it bother you that the kid is a lot taller and bigger than me? L. Ron Hubbard all mighty! This kid is huge!

Cameron Crowe:: Wardrobe![a tired gay guy comes out] Um, is--is there anything we can do to make Johnathan look smaller?

Wardrobe gay guy: Ugh! I'll try. [Johnathan wants to play, gay guy swats him away, they leave]

Cameron Crowe:: Ok, this is the take you guys. I can feel it.

Renee Zelwegger: Ok, good. Yes, yes, I hope so. [smells her hands] Does he smell like bacon?

Tom Cruise: A little bit.

Cameron Crowe:: From your cue Tom, and action!

Tom Cruise: You had me at swim.

[enters Johnathan with a giant juice box and gigantic glasses on his face]

Johnathan Lipnicki: Did you know that a lady's booby weighs two pounds?

Renee Zelwegger: Ok, uh, Ray, daddy's home.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Yay!

[throws on top of Renee and Tom crushing them]

Tom Cruise: All right. Ok, all right. Ok, all right.

Renee Zelwegger: [labored] I want you to know Ray that even if me and Jerry fight, that we're always gonna love you. [Johnathan snores loud] Aw, he's asleep.

Tom Cruise: Let's put him to bed and then I'm gonna complete you.

Renee Zelwegger: Yeah, let's go upstairs and make a little Jerry Macguire II. Come on.

[Tom and Renee are trapped underneath Johnathan's weight, he keeps snoring]

Renee Zelwegger: All right.

Tom Cruise: Hey, you know what? [trying to escape the crush]

Renee Zelwegger: Hey, Cameron? [pinned down] This isn't, this isn't working.

Tom Cruise: Can we get the jaws of life in here?

Cameron Crowe:: Come on, it's not that bad.

[Johnathan farts like a mule. Pfffffffffffffffffttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!]

Tom Cruise: All right! That's a wrap! That's a wrap!

[shoves Johnathan to the floor]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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