A Message From Mayor Rudolph Guiliani

Rudolph Guiliani.....Darrell Hammond
Judith Nathan.....Rachel Dratch
Donna Hanover.....Ana Gasteyer
Announcer.....Don Pardo



[Open on establishing shot of Gracie Mansion at night]

Announcer: And now, a message from Mayor Rudolph Guiliani…

[Fade in on Rudolph Guiliani sitting on a leather chair behind a fireplace with a vase of roses on an end table and a short, potted tree to his right]

Rudolph Guiliani: Good evening, New Yorkers. I’m Rudolph Guiliani and this is my…[Hammond is interrupted by the cheers and applause from the studio audience, so he starts his line over] I’m Rudolph Guiliani and [indicates to the short potted tree to his right] this is my very good friend, Judith Nathan. [Judith peeks out from behind the potted tree and smiles and waves at the camera, then hides behind the tree again]. We gotta make this quick, ‘cuz Judith is not supposed to be in here.

There’s been a great deal of press this week about my personal life, specifically that my very good friend, Judith Nathan, and I are deeply in love. Totally, for infinity, no takebacks, [pumps a fist in the air]: go Yankees! Secondly that my wife, Donna Hanover, is acting like a bratty little baby and refusing to allow my very good friend, Judith Nathan, into Gracie Mansion just because this is a [uses air quotes] quote, “home” that she [uses air quotes again] quote “lives in”. And thirdly, and most importantly, that my penis is broken [Judith peeks from behind the tree again, nods, and mouths “You’re right”, then gets back behind the tree].

Why can’t the press—[Hammond is again interrupted by the studio audience. He stops and shakes his head, then gets on with the rest of his lines]: Why can’t the press focus on positive stories, like the inspirational story out of Los Angeles this week, of a man down on his luck who took matters into his own hands and changed his life for the better. I’m, of course, talking about Robert Blake. Mr. Barretta, nicely done! [chuckles]: Wish I had the huevos. That’s right, that’s right, but I want to assure my constituents that in spite all this controversy and negative press, I’m very focused on my job. Just today, I attended the dedication ceremony for Judith Nathan Park, formerly known as Central Park. [laughs half-heartedly]: I’m also working day and night to pass a statute that would make it illegal to write “Comb-Over Jones” on the back of your husband’s windbreaker, knowing full well that he will be wearing said windbreaker at the dedication of Judith Nathan Park, formerly known…as Central Park. So here’s where I’m at: 1) I’m being humiliated every day in the papers, 2) My wife, Donna Hanover, is ruining all my windbreakers, and 3) I finally found a relationship that works, but my penis does not.

[Judith, for a third time, peeks from behind the tree, nodding to the last thing Guiliani said, then hides again. Guiliani looks off-screen to his left when he hears a very familiar voice]

Rudolph Guiliani: Oh, crap, here comes Hanover.

Donna Hanover: [from off-screen] Hey! Hey!

[Donna Hanover comes in, dressed in a black pantsuit, angrily wielding a baseball bat]

Donna Hanover: Hey! Hey! Hey! All right, all right. Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?

[Guiliani laughs as Judith makes her escape while hiding behind the potted tree. Donna scans the room wildly and does a double take when she notices the tree sneaking away]

Donna Hanover: Hey! Hey! I see that plant! [chases after the plant with baseball bat in hand]

[Guiliani laughs]

Rudolph Guiliani: What can I say? 57 with a combover and a broken penis…and the ladies still fight over me. Ah! It must be the way I perform…[zoom in on Guiliani’s face as he says the signature opening line for the show]: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”


Submitted by by: Candy Young


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