Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1




01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Farting Baby

White Mother.....Reese Witherspoon
White Father.....Will Ferrell
Grandmother.....Ana Gasteyer
Dr. Cleeten.....Chris Kattan
Black Mother.....Maya Rudolph
Black Father.....Tracy Morgan

[open on white mother, father and grandmother around baby]

White Father: Aw, look at him.

White Mother: Oh, I still can't believe it! He's so beautiful. We made that.

White Father: We did it. Look at his little face. He's so peaceful.

Grandmother: You kids did a good job. You should be proud.

White Mother: Thanks, Mom. [places baby in bassinet] Oh, I can't believe it. He's ours.

White Father: I love you.

[woman laughs cheerfully; baby farts]

White Father: Oops! Did you hear that?

White Mother: That was his first fart!

[man and woman chuckle; nuzzle baby]

White Mother: That's so cute!

White Father: You're gonna be just like your dad.

White Mother: Let's hope not.

[baby farts again]

White Father: Ooh! Little fella's got gas.

White Mother: I wonder if I ate something. You know, they say if the mom eats gassy food…

White Father: He looks fine to me.

[baby farts louder]

White Father: Hey! Hey, cool it dude. I'm the fart guy in this family.

[baby continues farting]

White Mother: Oh! Mom, should I burp him?

Grandmother: Oh, just pat his back, honey. He'll be fine.

White Father: I'll get him. [picks baby up as baby farts uncontrollably] Whoa. This - this can't be normal. This can't be…normal at all.

White Mother: Um, give him to me. [patting baby's back] There, there. Mommy's here. That's okay. Just let it out.

[farting continues]

White Father: Okay, I - I gotta call someone.

Grandmother: That isn't normal. That isn't normal.

White Father: No. No.

White Mother: Okay, don't panic, honey. Just call Dr. Cleeten.

White Father: Yes. Of course. Dr. Cleeten. Of course. Jeez! Stop the farting.

Grandmother: Call the doctor!

White Mother: There's nothing I can do. I'm patting his back.

[burping joins farting]

White Father: Ooh! Now's he's…he's burping now! Stop it baby!

Grandmother: Call the doctor!

White Father: Stop it, baby!

White Mother: Call Dr. Cleeten, damn it! Now!

[time passes; farting and burping continue]

White Mother: [opens the door for Dr. Cleeten] Dr. Cleeten, right this way. He won't stop farting and burping!

White Father: We're - we're worried sick!

Dr. Cleeten: Now, now, now. It's probably just some gas. [inspecting baby] Okay, little fella. What's going on here? [farting and big burp] Oh! Well here's the problem. His diaper's on too tight.

[mother sighs with relief]

Dr. Cleeten: [changes baby] There we go.

[farting and burping stop]

White Father: Oh, boy. That was tense there.

Dr. Cleeten: Well, no need to worry. Constriction of the lower stomach often causes gas to build up.

[baby pees into the air]

Dr. Cleeten: …And pee!

[farting and burping resume]

White Mother: Oh my god. He's peeing everywhere!

Dr. Cleeten: Well, would you look at that!

White Father: Do something!

Dr. Cleeten: I've never seen this.

Grandmother: This - this - this isn't normal!

White Mother: [to Dr. Cleeten] Well, fix it! He's farting and burping and peeing!

White Father: Here, let me - let me grab it. Let me grab it. [picks up baby] Stop it! Stop farting! Stop it! Stop farting!

White Mother: Larry, Larry, Larry! Hold it! He's just a baby, Larry!

White Father: You better stop it!

White Mother: Give me the baby. Give it to me. [to baby] You better stop it. Stop farting!

White Father: It's not funny. Go to your room!

Grandmother: That is not polite. It is not polite!

White Mother: You quit it this instant!

Dr. Cleeten: Give him to me! [to baby] I command you to stop farting! I am a doctor! You do it, and you will stop!

[farting continues]

White Mother: I've got an idea.

White Father: I like it.

Grandmother: Me too.

White Mother: I'll be right back. [takes baby] Come on, Mom.

[mother and grandmother leave]

[Larry and Dr. Cleeten stand around; generic The Odd Couple-like music plays in the background]

White Father: Coffee?

Dr. Cleeten: No, no thanks. I'm actually trying to cut back.

White Father: Interesting. You've cut back on coffee? I'm amazed.

Dr. Cleeten: Well, nothing really amazing about it. I have a cup in the morning, and…and that's it.

White Father: [skeptical] One cup?

Dr. Cleeten: Sometimes two.

White Father: Okay. Yeah. [short pause] That's beyond intriguing. That's interesting. That's really interesting.

Dr. Cleeten: Yeah?

White Father: Yeah.

[mother and grandmother return with black baby]

White Mother: We're back. It's a funny thing, honey. That wasn't our baby. Can you believe it? This is our baby.

White Father: I knew it! It must've been a mix-up. [tickles baby] Hi, cutie! [to mother] He?

White Mother: Oh, honey it's a girl.

White Father: Oh.

White Mother: We made her, remember?

White Father: I love you.

[Larry and mother kiss]

[scene cuts to black man and woman in hospital room with original baby]

[baby farts, burps and pees continuously]

Black Mother: This baby is not ours!

Black Father: [laughing] Who cares? This baby is hilarious! [to baby] You keep on fartin', little dude! [to mother] This is the funniest baby we had yet!


Submitted by: Anthony Rupert


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