Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

The Culps

Stephanie Ludstrom.....Reese Witherspoon
Marty Culp.....Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp.....Ana Gasteyer

[open on Prestige Banquet Hall]

Stephanie Ludstrom: Hey, you guys, can I have your attention? Okay, I'm Stephanie Ludstrom, Audrey's cousin, and even though I'm a nonlesbian, I really loved Audrey and Lara's commitment ceremony. Lara, you looked so beautiul in your dress. And Audrey, I have never seen anyone look so pretty in a blazer. I just wanted to say our whole family supports you, except Uncle Pete, who called this a Jane Hathaway convention full of donut bumpers. But we all know what a drunk he is. So here's to you. And now, here's some entertainment from Lara's side of the family.

[Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp enter]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. [microphone gives off feedback] Test.

Marty Culp: Check, check.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Whoops, we got a real, real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Very hot mic.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Unusually hot, uncharacteristically hot.

Marty Culp: Getting a lot of reverb.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: A lot of reverb. A lot of fuzz of the woofers as well.

Marty Culp: A lot of fuzz. Can we show you some of the fuzz?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Can we shave off some fuzz off the woofers?

Marty Culp: Off the woofers? Off the woofers?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No? No?

Marty Culp: I guess we'll make do. Hello. I'm Marty Culp, and I'm here with my life partner, Bobbi Mohan-Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I hope you weren't expecting the Indiglow Girls. Well, we are professional musicians.

Marty Culp: Yes. We normally head up the musical department over at Alta Dena Middle School, but today, we're here as Lara's very proud aunt and uncle.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And we sure are fans of her new wife and fellow park ranger, Audrey.

Marty Culp: When the... when the tent's a-rockin' don't come a-knockin', gals.

[microphone feeds back]

Bobbie Mohan-Culp: Whoops. Got a real hot one here.

Marty Culp: Ohh, real hot - very hot. Can we get a...

Bobbie Mohan-Culp: Even though - even though we've never been actual gays ourselves, we're no strangers to exploration.

Marty Culp: Amen. Heck, everyone gets a little bi-curious at some point in their sexual development.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Case in point, as a young girl, I spent many hours playing "Find the Boobies" with a neighbor friend, Margarite.

Marty Culp: And I have to admit, as recently as last summer, taking an all-male African dance class often left me both confused and engorged.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Tribal movement can be a big turn-on, people.

Marty Culp:
Absolutely. To the young man in the sequin dress, I don't appreciate you referring to my wife as a side of bitch salad.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Anyways, Lara, Audrey, we honor and celebrate your same sex union.

Marty Culp: And because we love you, we'll never forget you're here, you're queer, so let's get this funk in gear! 1, 2, 3, 4...

[playing Kool and the Gang's "Ladies' Night"]

Both: "Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
And the feeling's right
Oh yes, it's ladies' night
Oh, what a niiiiight!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Hit me.

[playing Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot's "Get Ur Freak On" as they hum to the tune]

Bobbie-Mohan Culp: "Let's see you break it down on the underground!"

Marty Culp: "I told your mother..."

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "STOP!"

Both: "You can't stop me now!
Listen to me now!"

Marty Culp: "Get your freak on!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Now go!"

Marty Culp: "Get your freak on!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Now go!"

Marty Culp: "Get your freak on!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Now go!"

Marty Culp: "Get your freak on!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Is that your chick?"

Marty Culp: "HOLLA!"

Both: "Get your freak on!"

[playing Styx's "Lady"]

Marty Culp: I believe there are two young ladies that will be getting their freak on this evening.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Whole lotta passion.

Marty Culp: Yeah.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Whole lotta passion.

Marty Culp: "Lady, when you're with you, I'm smiling."

Both: "Give me all yoi-yoi-yoi-your love!
Your hands fill me up when I'm sinking!
Touch me and my troubles all fade..."

[start playing Styx's "Mr. Roboto"]

"Domo arigoto, Mr. Roboto!
Domo arigoto, Mrs. Lesboto!"

[plays Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "Marty, can you handle this?"

Marty Culp: "Bobbi, can I handle this?"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "I don't think you can handle this!
I don't think you're ready for this jelly!"

Marty Culp: "I don't think I'm ready for this jelly!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "I don't think you're ready for this 'cause my body too bootylicious for you babe!"

Marty Culp: "Your body's too bootylicious for you babe!"

[playing Ricky Martin's "She Bangs"]

Both: "She bangs, she bangs!
Oh, baby, when she moves, she moves,
I go crazy 'cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee,
like every girl in history!"

[playing Jay-Z's "IZZO"]

Marty Culp: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the eighth wonder of the world. The flow of the century, it's timeless. Ho-oh!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "H to the izzo, V to the izzay!"

Marty Culp: "Shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in V.A.!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "H to the homo, L to the lezzay!"

Both: "That's the anthem, get your damn hands up!
That's the anthem, get your damn hands up!
That's the anthem, get your damn hands up!"

"Oh, yes, it's ladies' night,
and the feeling's riiiiiight!"

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Congratulations, girls. Congratulations.


Submitted by: Mike S.

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