Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell
Anne Heche.....Reese Witherspoon
Chris Tucker.....Dean Edwards
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond

[ Jeopardy Theme Song starts the show ]

[ Alex Trebek is shown behind his podium)

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. You may notice I’m wearing a different suit. [ upset ] Apparently Mr. Connery felt my leg was closer than the urinal.

(Connery laughs hysterically)

It's time for Double Jeopardy, let's take a look at the scores. Chris Tucker is in the lead with -$5,000. Mr. Tucker has answered every question with the same response…

Chris Tucker: Do YOU understand the words comin' out of my mouth?!?

(camera back on Trebek)

Alex Trebek: That's the one. (to Tucker) You do understand that you're playing for charity?

Chris Tucker: Yes I do. Why? Why? Do you not understand the words that are comin' outta my mouth?!?

Alex Trebek: Just making sure. Next with -$43,000, is Anne Heche.

(Camera cuts to Anne)

Anne Heche: (in an unusual language) “ Hakunis a attruna donna”. That means “I'm not crazy anymore”. In my made-up space language.

(back to Trebek, who is somewhat bewildered)

Alex Trebek: Terrific. And finally, with -$100,000, Sean Connery is here….yet again.

(camera cuts to Connery)

Sean Connery: I wouldn't miss it for the world, Trebek. I turned down Harry-Fricken'-Potter for this. (chuckles)

(back to Trebek, who seems frustrated already)

Alex Trebek: Please God, take me now. Let's take a look at the board. And the categories are..(camera shows game board) “Potent Potables”, “Batman or Robin”. That's where we show you a picture, and you say whether it's Batman or Robin. “Famous Horsemen”. That's about jockeys. (Connery cuts in)

Sean Connery: I bet you've seen your fair share of other men's jockeys crumpled up on your bedroom floor, haven't you Tinkerbell? (Chuckles)

(back to Trebek, who is angered and frustrated)

Alex Trebek: Next we have “Point to your Nose”, “Things Mom Gave You”, “Celebrity Photos”. Keep in mind that everyone of these photos will be one of you. And finally, “Connect the Dot”. (camera cuts to Anne, who is gazing at the board) Anne Heche, it's your board.

(Anne does nothing. Trebek sighs)

Alex Trebek: Fine, it's your board, Celestia.

Anne Heche: “Neega Bah”… 'Batman or Robin' for 400, Alex.

Alex Trebek: (shakes head) And the answer is…(board shows picture of Batman, clearly) Is this Batman, or Robin? Chris Tucker.

Chris Tucker: Yo I know this, man. That's Robin!

Alex Trebek: No. So since it's not Robin, that leaves only one correct answer. Anne Heche.

Anne Heche: WHO is Robin?

Alex Trebek: Amazing. Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: WHAT is Robin? Now then, I'll take “Batman or Robin” for 800.

Alex Trebek: No, that's the wrong. Let's just go to “Celebrity Photos” for 200. And remember, this is a photograph of one of you.

(board shows picture of Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker from 'Rush Hour' with “TUCKER” and “CHAN” written in red.

Alex Trebek: Who is this celebrity with Jackie Chan? Chris Tucker, you might want to ring in here. Anne Heche.

Anne Heche: Who is “Zartoo”, third overlord of Blargon 7?

(Trebek is shown confused and angered)

Alex Trebek: For the love of God, no. Chris Tucker.

Chris Tucker: Yo man, that's Jackie Chan, I worked with that dude.

Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, just pick a category.

Sean Connery: I'll take “whore semen” for 800. (leaves his podium and heads for the board)

(Cut to Trebek, who is very confused)

Alex Trebek: Wait, What? Wait…Where are you going? What are you…

(Connery points to board, the category “Famous HORSEMEN” points to the “hor” first, and then “semen”

Sean Connery: See? “Hor” like your mother. And “Semen”! It's right there! (Connery laughs hysterically)(Trebek is angered)

Alex Trebek: Yes, I see it. (Connery keeps laughing, Trebek is becoming more frustrated) You're very proud of yourself, aren't you? Sean Connery: Yes! (keeps laughing)

Alex Trebek: Let's just go to Final Jeopardy. And the category is..(screen shows question) Would you like a cookie? (Jeopardy music starts) Yes or No? If you want a cookie, say yes. If you don't, say no. Even if you want a cookie and you say no, you'll still be right. (music ends) Let's see what our contestants wrote. Chris Tucker, let's see what you wrote down. (screen shows Tucker's answer) Do you understand the words that are coming out of …Let me guess, you wagered, “my mouth”. (screen shows “my mouth”) And I'm right.

Chris Tucker: Man, I don't need this! I don't need nothin'. I don't need nothin'!! I make 20 million dollars a movie. I'll buy my own charity, man!

Alex Trebek: Once again, I'll remind you that you are playing for charity. Apparently that isn't getting through. Anne Heche, let's see what you wrote.

(camera shows Anne Heche's resume taped over the screen, with actors and actresses she's slept with) Somehow you've managed to post your resume. Mind-bending.

Anne Heche: Alex, you'll notice that I've slept with A LOT of famous people.

Alex Trebek: I'll take your word for it. Now onto Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Man Trebek, she's a nut-job.

Alex Trebek: Tell me about it.

Sean Connery: She's nuttier than a pecan log. (both start laughing and smiling together, Connery pats Trebek on the back)

Alex Trebek: Well, Sean, let's see what you wrote. (screen shows Connery's answer) I'm sorry Alex.

Sean Connery: (somber) That I am.

Alex Trebek: (surprised) Wow.

Sean Connery: I know I give you a hard time, but it's all in good fun. I mean, you know that, don't you?

Alex Trebek: (pretending to know) Uhh…of course..I do..Sean. Let's see what you wagered, friend. (screen shows Connery's wager, which reveals the rest of the phrase) Trebek is such a fruit. ( Connery laughs hysterically and Trebek is disappointed).

Sean Connery: Put that in your straw and ..

Alex Trebek: Suck it, I know, suck it.

Sean Connery: Suck it! Suck it!

Alex Trebek: Suck it, yes. I hear you. Well that's it, goodbye.

(Trebek walks off with his head down as the camera fades to black).

Submitted by: Blake B.

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