Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1





01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Reese Witherspoon's Monologue

.....Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. I'm so happy and honored to be here tonight, and, most of all, I'm happy that you all are here with me. We’ve never done a show under these circumstances, so we’re still finding our way. But I promise you that we’re gonna give it everything we’ve got. So, this is the part of the show where the host usually say something funny, but I don't know any jokes. I know one joke, but it has a bad word in it.. so I probably shouldn't tell it, should I?

[ audience eggs her on to tell the joke anyway ]

Okay.. you asked for it. Here it goes:

There's this polar bear couple, and they have this beautiful polar bear baby. And they're so happy, they can't believe it, he's just the cutest, sweetest polar bear cub. And he learns to run really fast, and he learns to talk early.. and the first question he asks his mother is, "Mom? Am I a real polar bear?" And his mother says, "Yes, you're a real polar bear. I'm a polar bear, and your daddy's a polar bear.. so, of course, you're a polar bear."

So the baby polar bear is growing stronger every day, and he learns to fish before any of the other baby polar bears, and his parents are just really proud of him. And after a few months, the baby polar bear comes up to his mom and asks, "Mom, are you sure I'm pure polar bear?" And his mother says, "Yes, honey, we're polar bears. Your grandma and grandpa are polar bears.. you're pure polar bear." And he says, "Okay."

Then, on the baby polar bear's first birthday, his parents throw him a huge party, and all the polar bears come, because they love him so much, and as the baby polar bear is about to blow out the candles on his cake, he turns to his mother and he asks, "Mom, are you sure I'm 100% pure polar bear?" "Yes, you are 100% pure polar baer. But why do you keep asking me that?" And the baby polar bear says, "Because I'm freezing my balls off!"

So.. that's my joke! Alicia Keys is here to help us have a good time. So, stick around and see what happens!


SNL Transcripts