Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1











01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
Jesse Jackson.....Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

US officials continue the search for Osama Bin Ladin. Reports suggest that Bin Ladin is most likely somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theatres showing the movie "Glitter."

According to the New York Post, the Mafia has stolen more than 250 tons of scrap metal from lower Manhatten. A spokesman for the Gambino Family said, "Hey, dah mayor told us to go back to work!"

This week, Elizabeth Dole announced that she's entering the Senate race in North Carolina. Mrs. Dole said she felt it was imperative at this moment that she do something to get away from Crazy Viagra McGee.

Dole will be running for the Senate seat vacated by Jesse Helms. Mrs. Dole said if she wins Helms' seat, she will have it steam-cleaned to get rid of that "old people smell".

Last week, Don King pledged $500,000 to relief charities; but this week, somehow the charities owe him $600,000.

A man who owns a Middle-Eastern restaurant named Osamaís Place says he wonít change the name since it was named for the original owner, not Osama Bin Laden. Though, he a had harder time explaining why his other restaurant is named "Hitlerís Chicken".

MSNBC reporter Ashleigh Banfield, now in Pakistan covering events there, has cut her hair short and died it brown in order to go undercover in the male-dominated country. Take it from me, Ashley: If you think having brown hair and wearing glasses will keep men from noticing you.. you are right.

Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, the Rev. Jesse Jackson announced that he had been invited to meet with Afghan Taliban rulers as a possible mediator in the tense standoff over Osama Bin Laden. One of the more bizarre elements of this news is that there is some confusion over who initiated the invite. Here to explain it, the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you, Tina. And thank you, America. For the record, I did not contact the Taliban; they, in fact, contacted me. What happened was this: I had a hang-up on my machine, so I star-sixty-nined, and they said, "Hello?" And I said, "Who is this?" And they said, "Who is this?" And I said, "You called me." And they said, "You called us." And I said, "I star-sixty-nined you!" They admitted it was the Taliban. Then I had a great laugh over what transpired. I immediately called the appropriate people in Washington, D.C., let them know I'd been contacted by the Taliban first. I then called my friend Gary to tell them how weird it was that the Taliban called. I pushed the redial button by mistake. I accidentally got the Taliban. At first, Jimmy, I thought it was my friend Gary being funny.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! You would.. you would think that!

Jesse Jackson: Because he was like, "Agga gaga"

Jimmy Fallon: That sounds like Gary!

Jesse Jackson: But then I realized it was the Taliban. It was not my friend Gary. So I jokingly said, "Come, Mr. Taliban, Tali-me banana." After that, it was a very uncomfortable moment.

Jimmy Fallon: I can see why!

Jesse Jackson: They said they were on the other line, they had to take that call. And we played phone tag over the next few days. I left several messages on their machine, suggesting we get together and talk - which had been their idea in the first place. Finally, a spokesman for the Taliban at the Afghan embassy in Pakistan called me and told me to stop calling. Which I took to mean that I would be welcome to come over and broker a deal. Once again, I called the relevant parties in Washington, they said they would be happy to send me to Afghanistan - I could even take comedian Bill Mahar with me. They even had a specific cave we could wait in until they dropped us a message. Jimmy.. Tina.. I anxiously awaited my opportunity to help in a time of crisis.

Jimmy Fallon: I appreciate that. Jesse Jackson, everyone. [ noticing his combed hair on the monitor ] What is going on with my hair, for heaven's sake?

Tina Fey: You should have spent more money on that wig.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks like a wig, doesn't it? [ musses up his hair, making it look worse ]

According to his daughter, the comic actor Jerry Van Dyke is trying to retire from show business - which raises an interesting question: Who's stopping Jerry van Dyke from retiring from show business?

Elton John this week admitted he is still sexually attracted to women, despite the fact that he hasn't slept with one in 9 years. He said that the woman he is most attracted to is George Clooney.

Jimmy Fallon: The first week of Maineís annual moose hunt began on Monday and ends tommorrow -

Tina Fey: Wait, wait, wait. Are you serious?

Jimmy Fallon: What? Yeah.

Tina Fey: Itís just that I promised mysled I would kill a moose this year, and now itís too late. Aargh, I never finish anything!

Jimmy Fallon: Thatís not true, Tina. Youíre one of the most disciplined people I know.

Tina Fey: If that were true, Iíd be eating moose jerky right now.

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. Maineís having an extra week of moose hunting this season starting October 8th! You can shoot a moose then, just donít put it off until the last second, Tina.

Tina Fey: I wonít, Jimmy. I wonít squander the second chance Maine has given all of us to shoot a moose!

Together: And.. scene.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Jeniro was cancelled last friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

Organizers of the orgy were expecting 1500 men, and 8 women.

Health officials are investigating a link between a cluster of E. Coli cases at a county fair. It was disovered that all 20 people reporting symptoms not only attended the fair, but participated in the manure-eating contest.

Following last November's election problems, Palm Beach County, Florida will switch to touch-screen voting machines. In early tests, elderly voters responded favorably to the touch-screens, then spent twenty minutes waiting for their money to come out.

Tina Fey: Our final story tonight: New York City is awesome. If you would like to donate to the Twin Towers Fund to help in the relief effort here in New York City, call the number on your screen: 1-877-870-4278.

Jimmy Fallon: Please give what you can. Anything. With "Weekend Update", I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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