Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 2




01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41

Jeffrey's

Clerk #1.....Jimmy Fallon
Clerk #2.....Seann William Scott
Customer #3.....Horatio Sanz
Boss.....Will Ferrell
Customer #1.....Chris Kattan
Customer #2.....Maya Rudolph

[open on clerks folding clothes]

Customer #1: Excuse me. You guys carry any DKNY?

[clerks sigh]

Clerk #1: We're the ones that should be asking DKNY are you wasting our time? Leave.

Clerk #2: Leave now.

Customer #1: Oh, come on. It's just that I don't recognize any of the labels in the store.

Clerk #1: [throws garment down] Look, Corky. …This is Jeffrey's. Even our labels have their own labels. [showing his collar]This Salvadore Ferragamo label is made by Armani.

Clerk #2: Yeah, we work at Jeffrey's. I use five different shampoos for the different hair types on my body. [conceited] That's my deal!

Clerk #1: [sniffs at Clerk #2] Is that Sahag?

Clerk #2: Are you talking about my eyebrows or my coif?

Clerk #1: Your coif.

Clerk #2: Honey, [rapidly] that's my bumble-and-bumble-vanilla-bean post-hair wax finishing cream.

Clerk #1: Yummy.

Clerk #2: Mm-hmm.

Clerk #1: [to Customer #1] Now that that's settled, you officially don't exist, m'kay?

Customer #1: But I was only-

Clerk #2: Oh, great. You just triggered the boredom force field.

[clerks create imaginary force field around themselves]

Clerk #2: You can't get in!

Clerk #1: Sorry.

Customer #1: Fine. I'm going to The Men's Wearhouse. [sneers; exits]

Clerk #2: People shouldn't.

Clerk #1: Yet they do.

Clerk #2: I know!

[Customer #2 walks up]

Customer #2: Excuse me. Hi. Can you tell me, do you think these pants make my butt look fat?

Clerk #1: Not at all. Your butt looks fat on its own.

Customer #2: What?! That is so rude!

Clerk #1: Look, this is Jeffrey's. The highest size we carry is 0. Unless you're on a steady diet of celery and Ex-Lax, you shouldn't even think of shopping here.

Clerk #2: Now, why don't you go get that ice cream? You know you want it!

Customer #2: [aggravated] Ooh! I hate this store! [walks away]

Clerk #1: That was toxic.

[clerks apply lotion to their hands in sync; continue folding clothes]

[Customer #3 struts in]

Customer #3: Howdy-do, gents? I've decided to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet with this place. Could you direct me to the-

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Come on, fellas.

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Come on.

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Come-

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: Co-

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Customer #3: C-

Clerk #1: No!

Clerk #2: No.

Clerk #1: Look. …Hoping you just came from a Live Aid concert. It's the only way my mind can comprehend that jacket you're wearing.

Customer #3: [outraged] What?! This jacket is cool! As seen on Miami Vice!

Clerk #2: Miami Vice. Wow. Which one are you? Crockett? …Or Tubbs?

[clerks Hmm sarcastically to each other; customer Hmms mockingly]

Customer #3: What are you guys telling me? I'm fat?

Clerk #1: I think the door told you that when you had to walk in here sideways.

Customer #3: [unsure] Well…you should walk…sideways…and get my fist…hit in your mouth…and store…outlet…

Clerk #1: You happy with that? …I don't want you kicking yourself in your Dodge Omni on the way home, thinking that you should've said something remotely clever.

Customer #3: Oh really? Let me bring you guys in on a little something. The eighties are bizzack! Yeah. Just to let you know, I don't drive a Dodge Omni. My mother picks me up at the bus stop! [laughs] Yeah. [makes hand gestures in front of clerks] Check mate, ding-dongs! [clicks tongue rapidly] Jackpot! Whoo! [exits]

Clerk #1: I can't believe there are so many people in here that aren't us.

Clerk #2: Tell me about it. I wish they'd just clone us so we'd have someone more acceptable to look at.

Clerk #1: [chuckles] I am tired.

[boss enters backwards in a motorized wheelchair]

Clerk #2: I'm exhausted! Are you exhausted?

Clerk #1: A little scooch.

Clerk #2: I'd like a nap.

Clerk #1: I'd like one of those Brookstone space blankets I can just stretch my spine on.

Clerk #2: Yeah.

Boss: [climbs off wheelchair] Gentlemen.

[cell phone rings]

Boss: [picks up large cell phone] Y'hello?

Clerk #1: Ha, look at that ancient cell phone he has.

Clerk #2: Look at how big it is!

Boss: [covers mouthpiece] Please. Big is the new small. Cami Diaz has one twice this size. [uncovers mouthpiece] What?…Oh! I like that!…Mm-hmm. …Grand. …We'll see you then. [hangs up] Chloe Sevigny?

Clerk #1: That's how you pronounce it.

Boss: Yes. She's having an unveiling of Justine Bateman's new line at a barbecue at her loft, okay? You two grab a car service, and I'll meet you there.

[clerks grab their bags]

Clerk #1: You sure you don't wanna go with us?

Boss: No, I'm taking my Prada jet pack. I'll probably beat you there.

[clerks exit; boss flies around aimlessly with jet pack, knocking things over]


Submitted by: Anthony Rupert


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