Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 2
01b: Seann William Scott / Sum41
Patriotic Shorts
Boss…..Seann William Scott
Vasquez…..Horatio Sanz
Barbara…..Rachel Dratch
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Seth…..Seth Meyers
Dale McGrew…..Will Ferrell
Boss: Well.. Dale McGrew isn’t here yet, so why don’t we go ahead and start?
Vasquez: I’m sure he’ll be here any minute.
Boss: Alright, listen up. As you know, profits are way down. And it looks like we’ve got a long road ahead of us. This quarter, we’re gonna focus on earnings.
Dale McGrew: [ enters wearing a half T-shirt and a tight red, white and blue Speedo ] Hey, sorry I’m late, gang, uh.. traffic on the Jesnsen Overchange was just nuts.. so, I apologize. Why don’t you guys finish the meeting.. I’m gonna grab a little coffee.. my bad. [ turns around, revealing Speedo to be crammed up his ass ]
Boss: McGrew?
Dale McGrew: Hold on a sec..
Boss: Dale McGrew.
Dale McGrew: [ sighs ] What?
Boss: What’s with the get-up?
Dale McGrew: Get-up? What do you mean?
Boss: The shorts. The shirt. I thought this week we were wearing items to show patriotism?
Vasquez: Looking good, Dale! You the man!
Boss: Okay, Dale, that attire is not acceptable.
Dale McGrew: Look, the memo said we relaxed the office dress code to allow showings of patriotism, so.. this coffee’s really good.
Boss: McGrew. I know what the memo said, okay? I wrote the memo. you’re wearing shorts and a half-shirt.
Dale McGrew: Yep. Someone else want coffee? Vasquez?
Vasquez: I’m good, buddy.
Boss: McGrew, it’s bad enough you wore shorts.. but, for the love of God, why are those shorts so short?
Dale McGrew: Why are long pants long? Why are bushes bushy? I mean, you know, if we’re gonna get in that area, we’re gonna be here all day. Am I missing something? Do you not want me to be patriotic?
Boss: No, Dale, it’s just that those shorts don’t even look comfortable. I mean.. we can see your bulge.
Dale McGrew: Okay, first of all, they’re extremely comfortable.. and, second of all, at this point in your life, if you haven’t seen a bulge, then I feel sorry for you.
Boss: Just have a seat, McGrew. [ they sit ] Now.. this fiscal quarter is gonna be a doozy. Unlike anything we’ve seen thus far. Dale, why don’t you go ahead and fill us in.
Dale McGrew: Gladly. Uh.. here’s the situation.. [ leans back in his chair ] Here’s the situation we find ourselves in. Productivity is extremely low for this time of year. Okay? Uh.. now, excluding the South American market, but including Europe and Asia. What I’m afraid is gonna happen is that we’re gonna find ourselves in a scenario where layoffs are gonna be needed in certain areas, but a new round of hiring will be needed in others, you know? That’s my two cents. [ everyone stares at him ] What? What? What?
Boss: Alright, McGrew, that’s enough. This is just too distracting! Look at that!
Dale McGrew: Distracting? What if the founding fathers, you know, found it too distracting to ride their horses to Independence Hall and sign the Declaration of Independence, huh? What about that?
Vasquez: You tell them, Dale!
Boss: Shut up, both of you! Look, McGrew, I appreciate the fact that you want to show your patriotism, but we can’t hold a board meeting while your kibbles and bits are falling out of your short shorts. I’d like for you to excuse yourself.. I think.
Dale McGrew: I see. [ stands, patriotic music plays in background ] Look, I’m sorry if I offended anyone. I mean, you so all know that I’m way proud to be an American, right? [ everyone agrees ] You do know that I absolutely love this country more than anything? [ everyone agrees ] Well, Im sorry you had to see my asscheeks.. and my nuggetpouch.. and my bulge. I guess what it all comes down to is that the.. angle of my dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of my meat. Right? [ music stops ]
Boss: What the hell are you talking about? Get out of here!
Dale McGrew: Okay, that last part was inappropriate, I’ll give you that. [ music plays ] But just remember this: the U.S. of A. is the greatest country on the face of the Earth, and for that I will make no apologies!
[ board members applaud ]All: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Dale McGrew: Now, if you’ll excuse me.. [ turns to exit, but his shorts rip ] I did not see that coming!
Vasquez: You’re the best in the biz, Dale!
Dale McGrew: True. Still, you gotta admit, this is one fantasticly handsome bulge, right?
Boss: Get out of here!
Dale McGrew: [ desperate ] U.S.A.?
Boss: Get out!!
[ Dale exits ] [ fade out ]