01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Vice-President Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond



Announcer: And now, from a secret location, here is the Vice-President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Dick Cheney standing in front of a secret cave ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Hello, America. I'm Dick Cheney. As you know, for the past few weeks I've been off in an undisclosed location. Well, I'm here tonight to disclose that location - Kandahar, Afghanistan. Yep. As I've always said, if you want a job done right, you've got to do it yourself. And, trust me, people, I'm all over this thing. Called in a favor with the Delta Air Force, and got myself dropped off down here, along with 50,000 peanut butter sandwiches. Now, I'm right in the middle of it! Trust me, old Uncle Dick is gonna make sure you don't have to worry about opening your mail come Christmas! Iím a one-man Afghani wrecking crew. That Northern Alliance they've been talking about? Pretty much just me. U.S. Spcial Forces, Commando units? You're looking at 'em! I've been here one week, I personally destroyed ten airports, countless radar installations, and the only Blockbuster video in the whole damn country! Just for fun, I crazy-glued a couple of those Buddha statues back together. And, between you and me, I've also shown a few of these women around here exactly what it means to be a gentleman! [ laughs ]

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're probably owrried because you heard things about me having a weak heart. Well, I got news for you - check it out, suckers. [ tears open his shirt, revealing a metal device attached to his chest ] I got me a bionic ticker! This thing regulates my heartbeat, it gives me night vision and renders me completely invisible on radar! Check this out. [ presses a button and pours himself a cup of coffee ] I brew my own Sanka! [ laughs ] Oh, yeah.. now, that's good coffee. And, let me tell you, this ain't over yet. And I'm talking to you here, Osama bin Laden. I already know these caves like the back of my hand. I know where you live! I've been there! I've been through your stuff! And, Mr. bin Laden, after what I did, I wouldn't use your toothbrush if I were you. [ laughs ] You can run but you can't hide! Thanks to this baby, I can achieve a top speed of up to 70 miles an hour. And when I find you, youíve got something coming to you, Mr. bin Laden. [ pulls out shaving cream and a razor ] The beardís goiní!

In conclusion, Osama bin Laden, I've got one thing to say - "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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