Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Little Sleuths

Detective Maroney.....John Goodman
Lieutenant.....Horatio Sanz
Bookie Newton.....Seth Meyers
Sam.....Amy Poehler

Lieutenant: Maroney? you're not making headway in this case. I think you mightn eed some help on this one.

Detective Maroney: Not now, Lieutenant. I'm too close, I can taste it!

Lieutenant: John, it's been five months. Now, we're getting some heat from upstairs. We need to crack this case, pronto!

Detective Maroney: I'm not taking on a new partner. John Maroney works alone.

Lieutenant: It's too late. Meet your new partner.

[ kid detective Bookie Newton enters ]

Bookie Newton: Hi, there!

Lieutenant: This is Bookie Newton.

Bookie Newton: Detective Bookie Newton!

Lieutenant: [ chuckles ] You're not a detective yet, kiddo!

Bookie Newton: Well, I am an amateur sleuth.

Detective Maroney: You can't be more than twelve years old!

Bookie Newton: Ahh.. twelve and seven months. Nice detective work, partner!

Lieutenant: Alright.. I'm gonna let you - and your partner - get to know each other. [ returns to his desk ]

Detective Maroney: Uh.. look, uh.. Bookie, is it? I've been a detective for twenty-five years, and this is a pretty gruesome case! Maybe it's, uh.. a little out of your league.

Bookie Newton: I'll have you know I've seen some pretty heavy stuff in my day. Like The Case of the Missing Shopping Bag.. and The Case of the Rented Canoes. and The Case of the Stinky sneakers!

Detective Maroney: Yeahh.. those sound like some real tough cases to crack.

[ Sam bounces into the office ]

Sam: Hey! I locked up our Slueth Cycles - AKA, our bikes!

Bookie Newton: This is my kid sister, Sam.

Sam: I'm not a kid!

Bookie Newton: Here we go again..

Detective Maroney: Hey, I've got a case for you two - how about solving The Case of.. [ tosses pen across the room ] ..The Missing Pen?

Bookie Newton: Don't underestimate our sleuthing powers of observation.

Sam: [ to Maroney ] I've already picked up a few clues about you!

Bookie Newton: Spill the beans, Sis!

Sam: Well.. he's a detective, his name is John Maroney, and he loves to smoke!

Bookie Newton: But how did you know?

Sam: First, you told me we were gonna meet a detective..

Bookie Newton: Hmm..

Sam: Then, his name plate says "John Marney"..

Bookie Newton: Hmm..

Sam: And he has an ashtray filled with stinker-butts!

Bookie Newton: Hmm..

Together: Case closed! [ laugh ]

Sam: [ looking next to the ashtray ] Ooohh.. candy!

Bookie Newton: No, Sam! Candy makes you hyper, and I'm allergic to peanuts and bees..

Sam: Mmm-hmm..

Bookie Newton: On account of us being partners, I just thought you should know, that in a peanut or bee situation, I will be slightly less reliable. However.. if there are no penauts, and no bees, then you can-

Detective Maroney: [ interrupting ] Alright, fine!! You want to help me solve this case? [ slueths nod ] Here it is! We found a dead prostitute on Route 4.. somebody cut off her hands and feet.. and shoved a deli menu in her mouth!

[ the slueths tremble slightly ]

Bookie Newton: Can we have a.. second, please..?

Sam: Uh.. uh..

[ the sleuths form a huddle, arguing the case and Sam's desire for candy, then they return to Maroney ]

Sam: First thing we need to do is find out what a prostitute is.

Bookie Newton: That's where our Latin comes in handy.

Sam: Let's break it down.. "Pro" means..

Bookie Newton: Professional!

Sam: Mm-hmm! And "stitute" sounds like.. "substitute".

Bookie Newton: A professional substitute!

Together: Hmm... who would want to kill a professional substitute teacher??

Sam: And why would a professional substitute teacher want to eat a menu!

Bookie Newton: Maybe it's a clue!

Together: Hmmmm....

Bookie Newton: Let's start with the menu!

Sam: Well, a menu is made of paper..

Bookie Newton: And paper's made of trees..

Sam: And trees grow in the forest!

Detective Maroney: [ starting to get it ] Yeah.. yeah.. this is starting to make some sense..

Sam: Yeah, yeah! and forest rangers wear badges!

Bookie Newton: Just like police officers!

Sam: And.. and police officers are heros!

All Together: Which is also the name of a sandwich!!

[ music sting, as Lieutenant chokes up the hero sandwich he's eating ]

Lieutenant: That whore deserved it! I've got a wife and kids! That slut was gonna ruin everything!

Detective Maroney: [ outraged ] You disgust me! [ to police officers ] Take him away, guys! I doubted you little sleuths, but you proved me wrong. I'll work with youse two's any time! How can I ever repay you?

Sam: Candy!

Bookie Newton: Cool it, Sam! Well, we've gotta go. There's a question to the validity of a prize-winning fish in the local fishing contest.

Sam: It's called The Case of the Doubtful Trout.

Bookie Newton: Plus.. I just learned how to masturbate.. so I kinda wanna get home!

Sam: Hey, uh.. Bookie? what's "masturbate"?

Bookie Newton: Break it down!

Sam: Okay. Well, to "master" means "to be in control"..

Bookie Newton: Mmm-hmm!

Sam: And "bait" is a "little worm".

Bookie Newton: Mmm-hmm!

Sam: Mmm-hmm!

[ Sleuths make their exit ]

Detective Maroney: [ slaps his cheek ] Oh, those little sleuths!

[ fade ]

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