Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 4







01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

.....Jimmy Fallon
.....Tina Fey
.....Seth Meyers
Mighty Mack.....John Goodman
Elwood Blues.....Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is "Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey."

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning, advising all Americans to be on high alert this week. On Friday, he announces that the period of high alert may be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say: "Bitch, I canít be more alert than I already am. Iím opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport in the shower with me, Iím watching so much CNN that Iím having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer. How about this? You stay on high alert, and Iíll go freeze my head like Walt Disney and you can wake me up when all of this is over, alright?"

This week, Reverend Jesse Jackson called for a nationwide Halloween boycott, saying that instead of trick-or-treating, we should spend the night with our families. No word yet on which of his families Jackson was referring to.

In light of recent events, the company that syndicates "Seinfeld" has pulled the episode of the show in which George's fiancee dies from licking envelopes. Also being pulled from syndication, the episode of "I Love Lucy" where Ethel gets anthrax.

The makers of "Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's Stone" said they had to hire a voice double for the movie's star, Daniel Ratcliffe, after his voice began to change during filming. This explains the title of the sequel: "Harry Potter & His Astonishing Pubic Hair".

Jimmy Fallon: Well, a tough night for the New York Yankees. They lost to Arizona, 15-2. The Series is tied at three games apiece. Here, with a commentary, is our own Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Thanks, Jimmy. Tmorrow night, despite two thrilling ninth inning victories here in New York, the Yankees magic run may finally come to an end. some people say their offense is inconsisent, some say their pitching is too old. But I know the real reason the Yankees have struggled a bit in the Play-Offs. It's because, for the first time in history, Red Sox fans are rooting for the Yankees to win. I know. I'm a Red Sox Fan. For the past 83 years, you've had nothing but our negative energy and hatred in your way, and it's led to, like, 65 world championships. But this year, because of what happened to New York, Boston's decided to put our personal feelings aside and root for you to win. When the Yankees went to Boston, they played "New York, New York" over the PA. People were holding up signs that said, "Boston Loves New York". And you started losing. Coincidence? No! Everyone and everything Boston roots for loses. If Boston rooted by gravity, weíd all be floating three inches off the ground. We're the worst! Right now, Donald Rumsfield is in West Roxbury, Mass., trying to convince eight guys named Murph to root for the Taliban.

Personally, I don't like this new camaraderie. Remember the later Tom & Jerry cartoons where they were friends, and it sucked? Same concept. That having been said, I love New York. No city deserves a World Championsgip more than this city right now. So, in order to help you out, I, a Red Sox fan, will say this: "I hate the Yankees!" "Paul O'Neill, you're a whining crybaby." "Chuck Knoblauch, you're a glorified Oompa-Loompa." "Roger Clemens, I would give every penny I have to whack your 39-year-old groin with a Fungo Bat." And I'm only saying this because I genuinely want you to win. Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers, everybody! Seth Meyers! Good job, man!

In an upcoming issue of "Premiere" magazine, Will Smith claims that his new fitness training has energized his sex life, saying, "I am a sexual machine now. I'm Human Viagra. I'm Will-agra." Well, if you mean you're becoming a huge dick, I think I agree with you.

It was reported that Michael Jackson has a cameo roll in the "Men In Black" sequel, where he plays an alien but doesnít wear a costume. Touchť, Michael. You beat us to the joke this time. But weíll be back.

In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too late.

An autopsy is being conducted on the remains of Albert DeSalvo, the confessed Boston Strangler, in an attempt to idenitify his killer. Among the primary suspects: The Boston Stranger Strangler.

According to a new biography on Madonna, in 1991 the pop star tried to seduce Michael Jackson. I know it sounds crazy now, but you have to remember what Michael Jackson looked like in 1991. [ show normal-looking black man ] Aha!

LucasFilm Ltd. has sued the producer of a pornographic movie called "Star Balls" for copyright and trademark infringement, saying that the consumers could confuse it with "Star Wars". Adding to the confusion, is the fact that both movies star Mark Hamill.

And now, with an editorial comment about the situation facing our country, here are Mighty Mack and Elwood Blues.

Mighty Mack: Thank you. Thank you. You know, whenever I need an insight into real politic, I turn to Elwood Blues. So, Elwood, you have some thoughts about the war?

Elwood Blues: It's affirmative. Although I am old enough to have served time in Vietnam, I did not. Mainly because at the time I was serving time for grand theft heavy construction equipment. However, I did experience the Cold War firsthand in primary school, as a fallout shelter monitor. Now, that particular fear was a component of the Communist geopolitcal objective.

Mighty Mack: And look what happened there - a prolitariat revolution that didn't even last 100 years, and ended in a bottomless turd-swirl which sucked a culturally and resource-rich people down into a gangster-run kleptocracy.

Elwood Blues: Correct. So now, we have the Islamic Fundamentalist objective. However flawed it was, at least the Soviets offered an alternative. And what is the alternative from this new wrath of freaks? Squatting in decimated mud hovels wearing fece-siled nightshirts and flip-flops, eating dirt and white lice burgers with nights spent beside grown men who roll around smooching each ball sacs, getting their compulsory beards all tangled up in each other's ass hairs!

Mighty Mack: Right! Do these criminal maniac lice-eaters really expect their interpretation of scripture to appeal to any rational Muslims anywhere? Where women can't go to or teach school, practice medicine, law or business, forcing them to stay indoors and impose illiteracy on a whole new generation of broads?

Elwood Blues: For this alone, the dwelling holes of these psycho alpha males deserve to be blowtorched like a squirming nest of May 10th catepillars!

Mighty Mack: And so, Elwood, your point is?

Elwood Blues: My point? Well, my point is nothing will stop our way of life.

And nothing will stop the U.S. Postal Service.

[ they stand up and grab microphones, as the Weekend Update set is separated from behind them, exposing them to the main stage ]

Elwood Blues & Mighty Mack: [ singing ] Give me a ticket for an aeroplane
I ain't got time to take a fast train
Lonely days are gone
I'm going home, because my baby just wrote me a letter

I don't care how much money Iíve got to spend
Iíve got to get back to my baby again
Lonely days are gone
I'm going home; my baby just wrote me a letter

Well she wrote me a letter, said she couldn't live without me no more
Listen mister, can't you see Iíve got to get back to my baby once more?
Anyway!

Give me a ticket for an aeroplane
I ain't got time to take a fast train
Lonely days are gone
I'm going home, because my baby just wrote me a letter
My baby just wrote me a letter
My baby just wrote me a letter
My baby just wrote me a letter..


[ Tina and Jimmy run back across the set ]

Tina Fey: For "Weekend Update", I'm Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: And Iím Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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