01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell



President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. Tonight, I speak not only to you, the American people, but, through the cooperation of the Al-Jezzera network, to the people of the Arab world as well. You see, for too long our nation has failed to join the battle for world opinion and has allowed propaganda and lies from the enemies of freedom to go unanswered. As a result, throughout the Arab world, people believe terrible things about America that just aren't so. It's time to expose some of these myths for the lies they are.

Myth number one: The belief all too common in the Middle East that Operation Enduring Freedom is somehow a war on Islam. This is simply untrue. While it does appear that several of the September 11th hijackers were Muslim, believe me, I wasn't even aware until somebody mentioned it the other day, that Islam is popular in Afghanistan as well. In any case, why would our nation be at war with Islam? If you read the Quran, as I do almost constantly, you'd know that Islam is a religion of peace. Also, many prominent Americans are Muslim. For example, former Minnesota Vikings reciever Ahmed Rashad. So, so there you are. America is definitely not at war with Islam.

Myth number two, or dos: The claim most recently reported in the Egyptian newspaper Al-Aram, that the events of September 11th did not take place, or, that if they did, it was an attempt by the British Secret Service to assassinate Princess Di and Dodi Fayed, having botched the operation four years ago. I checked this out: not true.

Myth number three: Again, believed by all too many in the Arab world, that America only cares about the Middle East because of its oil. False. America is interested in your part of the world for a number of reasons, but mostly, as I mentioned earlier, because Ahmed Rashad is a Muslim.

Myth number four, cuatro: Reported this week in the Pakistani press that the United States will insist that Penthouse publisher Bob Guccioni will be part of any post-Taliban government. Simply not true. That is for the people of Afghanistan to decide. Although, he is a good man. And like me, reads the Quran constantly.

Myth number five: Believed almost everywhere in the Arab world and even in parts of our own country, that if you burp, fart and sneeze at the same time, you will die. False. It's false! According to the head of the Center for Disease Control, you can't even do it. It's impossible! It really is. Physical impossiblity.

Myth number six: According to polls, some 90 percent of the Arab world believes that some years ago, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, Saddam Hussein and the Sultan of Brunei were kidnapped by the CIA and replaced by Israeli look-alikes and that later these look-alikes were killed and replaced by Israeli robots, one of which is a lesbian robot. Also, one of the robots is invisible. Let me just say that this is, at best, a gross simplification of the truth. There's a lot more to that story than that! And, anyway, it happened during the Clinton administration.

Myth number seven: Also believed by many Arabs, that moustaches on women are sexy. Now, I went back and forth about including this one. It's not exactly a myth, just a personal preference I don't happen to share. But in any event, that is for the Afghani people to decide.

And finally, myth number eight: Believed by many in your part of the world, that "Saturday Night Live" is taped before a live audience, a live studio audience for later rebroadcast. It's not true. As a matter of fact.. (in Arabic) .."Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!


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