01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed
Billy Bob Thornton’s Monologue
……Billy Bob Thornton
Sling Blade Impersonator #1……Darrell Hammond
Sling Blade Impersonator #2……Jimmy Fallon
Sling Blade Impersonator #3……Dean Edwards
Audience Member……Maya Rudolph
Billy Bob Thornton: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so very much. Alright then. Wow! Cool, I’m really happy to be here tonight, you know there’ve been a lot of crazy rumours about me lately. They say a lot of stuff about me in the papers like I only eat orange food and I live in a dungeon and drink blood and all that sort of stuff so right now before we get started lets just address all these rumours right now since I get a few minutes to talk to ya so uh, I figured this was a good a time as any to do this so any questions you may have, let’s just do it. Yes?
Sling Blade Impersonator #1: Some folks call it a sling blade I call it a cuttin’ blade. Mmm Hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: That’s great, that’s really great. That would be a Sling Blade impression, wouldn’t it? Yeah so, uh, that’s really terrific.
Sling Blade Impersonator #1: Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: That’s of course a movie I did, uh… haha, Wonderful. That’s a movie I’m really proud of; it was a big step in my career. I’ve done a lot of other thing since, a lot of other movies I’m really proud of and, uh… Yes sir?
Sling Blade Impersonator #2: Mmm hmm. I like them French fried potaters. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: OK look guys see, that movie’s several years old and I’ve done a lot of other movies since then so maybe you’d like to talk about something more recent. Yes sir?
Sling Blade Impersonator #2: I like the way you talk. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah that’s fine thanks. Jimmy you already had your little thing ok?
[Jimmy gives thumbs up]
Billy Bob Thornton: Can we… yes?
Sling Blade Impersonator #3: Mmm hmm. You ought not kill my little brother. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah that’s really… that’s very funny Tracy. Very, very funny…
Sling Blade Impersonator #3: [slipping out of character] I’m not Tracy, I’m Dean Edwards. One of the new guys.
Billy Bob Thornton: Well you should really know better than that. And besides, just so you know, there are no black hillbillies. Look, doing Sling Blade impressions, it’s really tired. Doesn’t anybody have a question about something that matters, something more current? Yes?
Father: Yes, my daughter has a question for you if that’s alright.
Billy Bob Thornton: Oh excellent, sure! Hi, honey.
Daughter: [speaks in Sling Blade-esque voice] Mmm hmm. I saw you in that movie you was in, ‘Pushing Tin’. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: I said that’s enough. No more stupid Sling Blade impressions! OK? I mean that.
Father: How dare you! That’s her real voice.
Daughter: [begins to cry] Daddy, why is Billy Bob Thornton making fun of me? Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: I’m really sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or anything. I mean, how was I to know? I’m really, really sorry. Yes, what is it? Yes?
Ashton Kutcher: Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a cuttin’ blade. Mmm hmm.
Billy Bob Thornton: You’re not even a cast member. Who are you?
Ashton Kutcher: Oh, I’m Ashton Kutcher from "That 70's Show." I just, I had tickets so… [sits down, embarrassed]
Billy Bob Thornton: You know, that’s really sad. Look, I mean, people, when I made Sling Blade it was a film that mean a lot to me. I mean, how do you think it feels to create something that means a lot to you and then you find out they’re selling plastic Sling Blade teeth at Spencer’s Gifts? It’s really not fun. So please if anybody has anything to say or ask me that matters, just please… Yes?
Audience Member: Hey Billy Bob, you’re married to Angelina Jolie, right?
Billy Bob Thornton: Yes, that’s true, yes.
Audience Member: Do you ever wake up in the morning and turn to her and say… [in Sling Blade voice] Give me some of them French fried potaters, Angelina Jolie, and mustard sauce! Mmm hmmm!
Billy Bob Thornton: Yeah, that’s what I do. I wake up every morning and talk about biscuits and mustard and French fried potaters, yes sir. Anyway we got a great show here, thanks for being here. Creed is here! [Audience applauds] And, evidently, French fried potaters are here as well so stick around, we’ll be right back.
Submitted by: Johanna Hunt