01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Nick Burns, Your Company Computer Guy

Employee #1.....Rachel Dratch
Employee #2.....Jeff Richards
Employee #3.....Chris Kattan
Nick Burns.....Jimmy Fallon
Nick's Dad.....Billy Bob Thornton

Employee #1: Dammit! I can't print this file! Has anybody seen the computer guy, I paged him like five times!

Employee #2: Who? Nick Burns? I called about twenty minutes ago, and he told me to go soak my head.

Employee #3: I don't like that guy.

Employee #1: Well, where is he? Every time I try to print this file, the computer shuts down due to insufficiant memory!

Nick Burns: [ entering ] Maybe the computer shuts down 'cause you have 32 megabytes of RAM and you're trying to run a program that takes 128 to function smoothly, X-Lax!

Jingle: "Nick, the computer guy, he'll fix you're computer, and then he's gonna make fun of you, cause he's Nick Burns, your company's computer guy."

Nick Burns: Okay, okay, who 9-1-1ed my pagers? I was trying to have lunch with my dad. Sorry about this, Pop, it shouldn't take long.

Nick's Dad: [ enters ] Oh, don't worry, son. I always wanted to see where they train for the Special Olympics!

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Good one, dad! Okay, what's up, geniuses? [ they all start talking at once ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! I didn't install dual-processors in my brain! Okay, one at a time.

Employee #1: Okay, well, I'm the one who paged you.

Nick Burns: Okay, well, what's the emergency?

Employee #1: Um.. there's not enough memory to print, and I need a hard copy so I can get out of here early.

Nick Burns: Oh, that is an emergency! Gee, we'd better hurry up so you can get home to eat Snackwells and talk to your cats.

Nick's Dad: [ laughing ] That's a good one, son!

Nick Burns: Thanks, Dad.

Nick's Dad: It reminds me of a saying we had in the 70's - you sohuld try reading your manuals instead of sitting around fiddling with your Wang!

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Wang! Nice one, dad!

Employee #1: Well, could you help me print this file?

Nick Burns: Yeah, what other programs do you have running?

Employee #1: Uh.. how do I find that out.

Nick Burns: Go to your applications folder.

Employee #1: Okay, where's that at?

Nick Burns: Your control strip.

Employee #1: What? Which..

Nick Burns: It's by the tool bar.

Employee #1: Okay.. which tool bar..?

Nick Burns: Move! [ sits down ] Geez Louise, your I-Mac is slow. It's slower than Starr Jones on a treadmill. [ presses buttons, pages start printing ] Was that so hard? See what I'm talking about, Dad?

Nick's Dad: You're right, son. These guy are about as quick as an Intel Pentium - I!

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Who's next?

Employee #2: Hey, Nick, how's it's going?

Nick's Dad: Oh, is this the guy that goes to the Dudes With Boobs web site?

Nick Burns: No. You've Got She-Male is back here. This is the guy who refused to open his e-mail because he was afraid he'd get anthrax.

Nick's Dad: [ laughs ] What a bonehead!

Employee #2: Hey, Nick, is that your dad?

Nick Burns: Congratulations! Oh, wow, you figured that out without having to use a Lifeline.

Employee #2: [ slightly confused ] Oh.. that's like that show, huh?

Nick's Dad: You know, I think I can help this guy. [ presses one button, computer turns on ] Done!

Nick Burns: Was I right about these guys?

Nick's Dad: That guy's about as dense as a line coat from Duke Nukem 3!

Nick Burns: [ laughs ] God, you are on fire! That's hilarious, Dad! Hey, can I use that in the chat room?

Nick's Dad: Oh no, that's mine.

Nick Burns: Okay. Let's check on Skeeter. [ approaches Employee #3 ] Okay, what's your problem?

Employee #3: I can't hear through the speakers while I'm transferring my MP3s to my new I-Pod.

Nick Burns: I-Pod? Gee, that holds 1000 songs.

Employee #3: Yeah. So, what's your point?

Nick Burns: Well, how many albums does Frankie Goes to Hollywood have?

Employee #3: Ha ha ha! They had two! Now, why don't my speakers work?

Nick Burns: Well, hit your Hot key through your control strip there.

Employee #3: My.. my Hot key?

Nick Burns: Move! [ sits ] Okay, it says the firewall is functional. Let's check the control panel..

Nick's Dad: Hey, son, I think..

Nick Burns: Hey, Dad, I'm working! [ hits a few other keys ] Let's check the output speaker here..

Nick's Dad: Son, I.. I..

Nick Burns: Dad, please, give me a break, let me try this..

Nick's Dad: Move! [ sits ] Okay, it's not your fault. This jughead here left his quarter-inch adapter in his headphone jack.

Employee #3: Wow! Not so smart, are we, Nick?

[ Nick unplugs the speaker, as Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" eminates through the room ]

Nick Burns: [ dancing ] Hey, you like Wham! huh?

Employee #3: [ angry ] I was dubbing that for my girlfriend!

Nick's Dad: Did you meet her at the Dudes With Boobs web site?

Nick Burns: I'm outta here! You wanna go home or something?

Nick's Dad: Uh, you know what, I've got a better idea. Let's go see "Monsters, Inc." and look for glitches in the animation.

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Let's get out of here. Oh, by the way, everyone..

Together: You're welcome!

Jingle: "'Cause he's Nick Burns, your company's computer guy."

SNL Transcripts