01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

War Party

Partygoer #1.....Jimmy Fallon
Partygoer #2.....Will Ferrell
Partygoer #3.....Jeff Richards
Partygoer #4.....Maya Rudolph
Partygoer #5.....Ana Gasteyer
Partygoer #6.....Horatio Sanz
Partygoer #7.....Seth Meyers
Partygoer #8.....Rachel Dratch
Black Man.....Tracy Morgan

Partygoer #1: So, I take a 7-iron from about 190 and crank it. Right on the green.

Partygoer #2: No!

Partygoer #1: Two inches from the club.

Partygoer #3: It's true. Couldn't believe it. I lost a pile on that hole.

Partygoer #1: Believe me, he got it all back!

Partygoer #2: So what's your handicap?

Partygoer #1: 5.. 4.. depends on the course.

Partygoer #4: Ugh! Still golf? Can't you guys talk about anything else?

Partygoer #2: There is nothing else.

[ they laugh ]

Partygoer #5: No, Cass is right. Anything but golf. How was shopping today, Cass?

Partygoer #4: Oh, a bust. I did get a Nigel Toni bagatare for half-price.

Partygoer #5: Oh, did you bring it!

Partygoer #3: Ugh! Girl talk. I'm out. Drinks, anyone?

Partygoer #6: Everyone! Turn off the music! Everyone! Please!

[ music is turned off ]

Partygoer #2: What is it, Pete?

Partygoer #7: The Northern Alliance! They've taken Kandahar!

[ crowd cheers ]

Partygoer #2: Wait! This is amazing! What about Tarin Kowt and Lashkar Gah?

Partygoer #6: No report. But who cares? Kandahar is taken!

Partygoer #5: Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! The Northern Alliance is made up of rough-fighting newsmen and tax chiefs! I mean, they've got them on the run now!

Partygoer #7: Kandahar!

Partygoer #5: Kandahar!

Partygoer #2: Kandahar!

Partygoer #2: [ singing ]
"Gee, golly wow
Boy, we've got 'em now

Crowd: "Kandahar!"

Partygoer #7: [ singing ]
"Say, Taliban
Move your minivans

Crowd: "Kandahar!"

Partygoer #4: [ singing ]
"That's happy news
No more bearded dudes

Crowd: "Kandahar!"

Partygoer #5: [ singing ]
"I'm telling you
That's no pretty suit

Crowd: "Kandahar!"

Partygoer #5: Take a solo, Chet!

[ Chet gives a trumpet solo ]

Partygoer #7: [ singing ]
"Forget my bike
I'm gonna ride a trike

Crowd: "Kandahar!"

Partygoer #1: [ singing ]
"Who needs a suit
I'm skinny dipping in

Crowd: "Kandahar!"

Partygoer #8: [ singing ]
"I've got a date
With my future mate

Crowd: "Kandahar!"

[ Black Man rushes into room, alarmed by the noise ]

Black Man: Guys, guys! Cool it! What's going on here?

Partygoer #3: Didn't you hear? We got Kandahar.

Black Man: Kandahar? Huh? [ music pots up, lights go low ] What's that? A bag of beans. An old sock. Sand.. sifting through our hands. Oh, you foolish people, when will you learn? You cannot temper hot steel with lilacs and lilies. For you, the flames of war are but a magpie of sullen tar. But nay.. this war.. this festering agon which threatens the ages will not be won in Afghan cities. But in the very bosom of all man's all too fettered being. So, rejoice not. 'Tis but a pauper's doorknob. This Kandahar.

[ music stops, lights go up ]

Partygoer #2: Wow. Wow. Hey, guys, I've gotta tell you, even though a lot of the words this wise man used are not real, he's right. Just because some cities have been taken in Afghanistan, it doesn't mean the war on terrorism is over. We can't forget now is not the time to celebrate. We've got to show some patience.

Partygoer #6: [ rushes back in ] They've taken Jalalabad!

[ crowd cheers ]

Partygoer #2: [ singing ]
"It's over now
I'm gonna have a cow

Crowd: "Jalalabad!"

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts